“Hey, sorry. Do you have another cig?” He motioned to Kaj’s hand as he was putting the stub out on the ashtray by the club’s door.
“Yeah.” Kaj reached for the packet and offered him one, along with the lighter.
“Thanks, man,” he said after lighting it.
Anise. Mint. Notes of amber and rose.
Kaj’s stomach turned over.
“S-sure.”
Kaj was paralyzed when the guy left.
As of today, he still couldn’t remember all the details of the times Jesper had raped him. It was a blur of images and phantom sensations that made him nauseous, but his body hadn’t forgotten. It was a videotape on which his trauma had been recorded.
Fighting to cling to reality, Kaj tried to rationalize his knee-jerk aversion to this particular odor. He knew it was all in his head. The guy from before was rugged, bearded, dark-haired—the complete opposite of Jesper—but the way he smelled…Fuck. He trembled. That cologne was the same one his stepbrother used to wear.
It had been a long while since Kaj had tripped into these shifting sands. He knew he wasn’t there, but as his mind split in half, he lost touch with reality.
He stood barefoot on a bed of leaves furiously swirling around him. He didn’t know whether he’d fall or take off.God. Not again. Fuck.
HELP.
The stench of cheap cologne and sweat invaded Kaj’s nostrils. Fingers slid over his skin, creeping into his bones. He tried to fight it, but he was lightheaded. The strength of Jesper’s unending grip pushed him down.This isn’t really happening.A rough palm covered his mouth. A scream died in his throat.Get out of there.
Excruciating pain.
Red numbers.
Upside down world.
“Why are you crying? You wanted it.”
He was sixteen again.
Kaj squeezed his eyes shut and leaned back on the wall, scrunching his nose as his chest caved in. He took a deep breath as he tried to suppress the tremors shaking his entire body.Someone here must have coke, speed, or something. Anything.
Years had passed since the last time panic bashed him this way. And while Kaj knew he was better off drugs, when he got triggered, his first instinct was to hide in the daze they provided. It was pathetic, but it was a comfort zone where nothing hurt.
Kaj writhed, and his mouth dried out just thinking about the trip that shit used to give him. The pleasure. The euphoria. The sensation that everything was okay. He knew how it worked. He wasn’t new to this detrimental urge. Even if certain structural and functional brain alterations still persisted, he had the tools to fight the cravings. Problem was, right now, he wasn’t sure he wanted to.
“Kaj?”
A palm touched his shoulder, startling him. Kaj’s eyes flew open as he gasped for air.Why does it have to be him every fucking time?
“You okay?” Noah asked.
“I’m fine,” Kaj grunted as bile crept up his throat.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“You want me to bring you something?”
“Just leave me alone.”
Noah sighed, face twisting with what looked like genuine concern before returning to its usual imperturbability. “Fine. We’re leaving anyway.”
