“Oh, shit! Sorry,” Björn apologized between chuckles. “I keep forgetting.”
“How about I kick you in the balls? That way you won’t feel like humping anyone and get a taste yourself.”
“That’s cruel.” Björn laughed, tossing his head back and all.
“Yeah, like the frustration I’m piling up. Life’s not fair.”
“And you haven’t thought about getting laid at least once? Might help to release some of that tension.” Björn waved a hand, motioning to his entire persona.
“Hello, have you met me?” Kaj snorted. “There’s not such a thing asjust oncefor me.”
“Not even with sex?”
Kaj leaned back on the sectional, letting his ass slide a bit on his seat as he looked ahead of them. “Nope.”
The healing process he was going through had made him realize that a lot of the times he’d fucked someone, it wasn’t an actual sexual impulse but a bargaining chip he used to get something in return—a room when Mads started seeing other people, food when he couldn’t make ends meet, and the most important of all, reclaim his power. It was both a physiological need and a coping mechanism. And even though he loved that filthy exchange of energies, no matter the reasons behind it, he understood it was better to avoid it for now.
Kaj didn’t want his past to define who he was. He wanted to be able to discern whether he desired to fuck someone because he craved their touch or because he was trying to escape his mind. He wanted to not need a line or a highball to deal with his own emotions. He wanted to be okay.
“Jeez… can’t even imagine what that must be like. Tell me you are at least allowed to jerk off.”
“I am, and I do. A lot.”
“Good.” Björn cackled.
Just then, Kaj saw Noah.
He was chatting with Aksel and a dude Kaj had seen around before—a roadie from another band. They seemed to be having a good time, all good vibes, bullshit, and grins glowing in a purple shade under the black light of the club.
Kaj tilted his glass and gulped down what was left of his soda as Björn continued talking about his last hookup.
Noah was touching his right eyebrow, like he used to do when he felt uncomfortable after being dragged into a conversation with people he didn’t know. Still, wearing some faux confidence, tight jeans ripped at the knees, combat boots, and a turtleneck shirt with the sleeves rolled up, he blended into the crowd like he’d been part of this forever. His gestures were so smooth and graceful, Kaj was mesmerized.
Then Aksel walked away, leaving Noah alone with the other guy. Kaj had no idea what they were talking about, but he didn’t need to asFuckboyinched closer to Noah’s ear.
He was normal-looking. Dark, short hair. Tattoos. Piercings. He was also kind of bulky, though he wasn’t particularly tall. Maybe he was funny, and a good person. Yet Kaj didn’t give a fuck about any of that. The only thing that mattered to him was the way he was making Noah smile.Since when is he so receptive to strangers?
Something snapped, and the tightness in his chest became idiotic and illogical.
Despite everything that had happened between them and over the years. Even if they weren’t together anymore, even if they argued more than they breathed these days, every piece of Noah that Kaj had broken would always belong to him.
As if he heard his thoughts, Noah turned around. Their gazes met in the semi-darkness of this place, and the desire to hurt him bred in the fibers of Kaj’s heart like tar.
“Fuck,” he cursed between gritted teeth, averting his eyes.
“What is it?” Björn asked.
“I need a smoke.”
“You’re killing yourself with that shit!” Björn called as he walked away, putting on his bomber jacket.
Striding in the direction where he’d come in two hours ago, Kaj felt like he was boiling inside. He didn’t know if he was angrier at himself for letting that mating ritual scene drive him off a cliff, or with Noah for flirting with someone. How did that make any sense?
With his eyes fixed on the starless sky, he took a long drag of his cig. The street was a strange canvas where neoclassical architecture and modernism met. Different music styles came out of the clubs as people walked in and out. Some were already going back home, others waiting in line to enter the new trendy place, and a few, like him, just needed to poison themselves.
Everything around him was muffled. All he could hear was his pounding heart and the tobacco burning every time he inhaled.
Several minutes went by with cold whipping across his face and smoke simmering into his lungs. Kaj was about to go inside, feeling slightly calmer, when a guy he didn’t know approached.
