Kaj glared at the dude standing behind Noah, then at him. A conflict he had no desire going into arose within.
He gripped his phone in the pocket of his bomber, itching to text Xander or Aksel, even Val, to come outside and get him, but he didn’t want to burden them with this shit. Not again. He was not a baby they needed to take care of. He also thought about his sponsor. She’d said to call her if he ever needed to talk, no matter the hour. But, although she understood what he was experiencing better than anyone else, she didn’t make him feel as tethered as the guys. Why couldn’t he get through this by himself?
“Have fun,” Kaj gritted and turned around, dialing her number.
“See you tomorrow.”
Six
Knowingthey’dbedeadafter getting in bed when bakeries opened, they should have canceled Saturday’s practice. But nope. Not happening with the tour around the corner.
Thank fuck Kaj’s sponsor had been awake last night and picked up when he called. Her voice was like a meditation chant that helped him calm once he was at home. He was irritable from the lack of sleep, but not hungover or dead. Had to look at the bright side.
“Hey,” Noah said as he entered the rehearsal room.
“Hey,” Kaj replied in the most neutral tone he could manage.
A part of him didn’t want to acknowledge Noah’s existence. Hated the idea of spending so much time together. Another was still pissed at him for leaving last night with some rando. A third one, however, had made peace with the fact that he was here to stay. His presence was still annoying, but it was as if Kaj’s brain was starting to understand that they didn’t need to be friends. They didn’t even need to talk. As long as they tolerated each other, the label would be happy and all the Emil drama would soon be forgotten. It was business.
Fake it ’till you believe it. Or some shit like that.
“You feeling better?” Noah asked as he sat on the opposite side of the couch where the drummer was sprawled.
“Hm?”
“Last night you looked kinda sick.”
“I’m fine.”
Noah nodded and averted his eyes. “You didn’t look like it yesterday.”
“Not your problem.”
Kaj had behaved during the last week, like Xander had asked. Hadn’t been rude to Noah, just a little snarky. But did he really think that Kaj would vent his problems to him?
Noah slumped down on the sectional, hands disappearing into the pocket of his hoodie. “I know I’m not your favorite person, but if you need to talk...”
“As if.”
“I'm just trying to… I don’t know.” Noah sighed. “Never mind.”
“I don’t need your pity.”
“What—” Noah turned his face to Kaj. “It’s not pity. I’m worried. You’ve been a pain in the ass from day one, but you looked so—”
“Mind your own fucking business.”
Kaj stood up and walked away from Noah. After a few seconds of staring at the wall with his jaw clenched, he ran his fingers through the short mop of hair on top of his head, dragging his palm down the shaved back. If he wasn’t in the mood to deal with Noah on a daily basis, he definitely wasn’t today.
Kaj knew he had to work on it. He couldn’t let those flashbacks affect him so much, but they did. He became so cranky afterward he didn’t want to be in the same room with himself. Noah’s offer to talk about it only made it worse.
“Chill, dude. I was trying—”
“Stop it.” Kaj’s voice ricocheted among the four walls as he turned around. With the nightmares, Noah coming into his life, and the weight of having wanted to use last night kicking his ass, Kaj was a ticking bomb. He needed Noah to shut up, or he wouldn’t take responsibility for his actions. “Stop trying to be nice. Stop trying to help and to fucking blend into my world. You don’t belong here, no matter how well you get along with Aksel, Xander, and the rest of the crew, or how many bar strangers you fuck.”
Noah arched an eyebrow. “That right there sounds a little like jealousy.”
“Of what?”
