“No.”
“Is he somehow related to your addiction, or did he hurt you in any way?”
“No.” Kaj cracked his neck to the side to ease part of the disgusting sensation biting at him.
“Did he, I don’t know, kick your dog? Piss on your family’s grave?”
Kaj clicked his tongue, crossing his arms. “No.”
“Then what the fuck, dude?” Xander threw his hands in the air.
“Just trust me on this one.”
“Trust you with what, exactly? You’re being cryptic as fuck.”
Xander let himself fall on the couch with a huff, giving Kaj time to answer, but he didn’t know what to say without saying too much or sounding childish. The guys knew about how he’d lost his dad, but he’d never mentioned anything about what had happened afterward or about Noah. Like the good, compulsive liar Kaj was, he’d lied about why he didn’t have a relationship with his stepmother before she died. He had lied about the real reason he loathed his stepbrother. He’d lied about it all. Other than his psychologist, only Mads knew the truth.
Kaj wanted it to stay that way. In apetit comité. He didn’t need his bandmates looking at him like he was some poor, damaged thing. If he explained his real motives for not wanting Noah around, he’d have to put them in context, tell themeverything. And that was not happening. As for Mads, well, after finding Kaj full of meds and with his wrist sliced open when they were eighteen, the least he deserved was a VIP seat for the premiere of his trainwreck of a life.
“Look,” Xander started when Kaj didn’t answer his previous question, which he honestly didn’t remember. His brain was malfunctioning with so much emotional stimulation these days. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.” He sank into the couch. “I’m really not gonna force you to, but you need to get over the rivalry or whatever it is, and focus on the upcoming tour.”
Rivalry?Not quite. Kaj didn’t enjoy taking center stage, but he hated being the runner-up, always after Noah. That much was true. While he didn’t care about whether strangers he didn’t give a fuck about liked him or not, something inside of him demanded constant recognition.
He’d worked on this with his psychologist. Apparently, his insecurities and self-loathing were wrapped in narcissistic traits that clouded his reasoning sometimes. It was like a switch he flipped at will to protect himself. But with Noah, it was always on. That man had this ability to act so innocent while seamlessly getting under Kaj's skin, he couldn’t help it. He craved his pain as much as he used to crave his touch.
Still, Xander was right.
“I’ll try to be nicer to him.”
“It wasn’t that hard, was it?”
“So… anyway, is there any news about Emil’s situation now that the entire world knows?” Kaj veered the conversation in a completely different direction. He was tired of Noah this, Noah that, and Noah fucking everywhere.
Xander heaved a sigh. “Not really. The media is still going wild about it. I hope it fades after the announcement of our new vocalist and the first concert with him.”
Again.“Yeah...”
“This shit is exhausting. The amount of messages I’m getting—I’m sure you, too—is absurd. I’m so close to shutting down all my social media accounts…”
“Same.”
Silence settled between them for a few minutes as they stared into the space from opposite corners of the room.
Xander was sprawled on the couch, an elbow resting on the armrest. Kaj was just there, sitting on his stool, contemplating getting himself a new pair of Vans, since these were so worn out.
Suddenly, the images of a night the entire band got drunk as skunks and started comparing their misfortunes, making fun of themselves, flashed in Kaj’s mind. Xander and the car accident where he lost his girlfriend and unborn baby. Aksel and his run-ins with the law when he sold his body for money while underage. Kaj and the utter mess his life was after he emancipated at seventeen. He almost laughed out loud at how dysfunctional they were—another reason thepretty boydidn’t fit within this group. Noah’s family never had a lot of anything, but they had love, support, and respect. No amount of money could buy any of that.
“Who died?” Aksel asked when he entered.
“You’re about to,” Kaj snapped. “Why are you so damn late?” He frowned at Noah, who walked in behind the guitarist.
“My fault,” he said. “Sorry.”
“Of course.” Kaj rolled his eyes.
“Shut up,” Aksel said as he took his coat off. “He was being a good son.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
