Noah glared at Kaj. “My mom needed help, and I wasn’t going to make it in time, so I called Aksel.”
Kaj’s mouth twitched.
“It’s alright.” Xander got up and straightened his back. “Let’s get to it.”
“Before we start,” Aksel said, putting his guitar strap over his shoulder. “Wrath ov Gods are having a birthday party for Björn next Friday and they asked if we’re coming.”
Kaj and Björn had played together when the drummer joined Poisoned Letters—a pretty cringe emo name for a group inspired by Anthrax, if you asked him. Though it wasn’t like he had any say on that matter since he was the newcomer and the band had been created when the others were fifteen. A couple of years after Kaj left, though, the rest of the guys parted ways, too. As far as he knew, most had gone in a completely different direction, but Björn chased his passion, joining this Scandinavian symphonic black metal band with a base in Malmö.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Xander said. “That dude’s birthdays are legendary.”
“They are.” Aksel chuckled. “What about you, Noah?”
“Me? I don’t know them...”
“That’s not a problem. They’re actually eager to meet you.”
Noah quirked a brow and a faint smile curled the side of his mouth. “In that case, I’m in, yeah. It’s been a while since I’ve gone out.”
“How so?”
Noah hesitated momentarily, flaring a spark of interest in Kaj, before he said, “Since I came back from the UK, all I’ve done is work. And now that I’m finally living by myself, I’m still trying to get a hang of all this adulting shit.”
Kaj glanced at his bandmates as they fell into a comfortable conversation while Noah spilled some more details about his life—working as a producer until he came back to Denmark, recording his own material, helping at some tattoo studio in the city, yada, yada, yada. The drummer didn’t care. They were supposed to be practicing.
“Understandable. Hopefully, you won’t need to work yourself to exhaustion every day after this tour.” Xander smiled.
Noah chuckled. “Here’s hoping.”
“Ah! This is great!” Aksel exclaimed. “It’s been so long since we’ve all gone out together. ’Cause you’re also coming, right?” This time, the question was directed to Kaj.
“Not sure.”
Kaj had been sober for five months—his fourth attempt at getting clean. It wasn’t easy to be surrounded by the people he used to drink with, in the places he’d seen blurry more times than not. The smells. The sounds. The sensations. He didn’t trust himself after failing so many times.
Addiction is not a choice someone consciously makes, but a compulsion, a chronic disease. An urge to grasp a state you can’t experience if you aren’t floating in that lethargic euphoria. Some people drink and fool around with drugs and nothing happens, but for others, it doesn’t work that way. For those with unresolved traumas, sometimes being numb is their only escape.
In the beginning, Kaj hadn’t needed much to get to the point where his body filled with so much dopamine hethoughthe was happy. But, over time, his tolerance to the original dose increased, and he started seeking stronger trips. He stopped caring about the consequences, people, limits, and even himself. All that mattered was getting his fix. Without realizing, he was trapped in an abyss that stole everything he’d ever been.
Purgatory probably felt like heaven compared to that place inside his mind when the cocaine high faded and alcohol was still flooding his system.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t—”
“Shut up.” Kaj cut Aksel off right away.
His problem was public knowledge; images of the day he was admitted into rehab were all over the internet. Not that you needed to be Sherlock Holmes to notice—Kaj had looked like a raccoon straight out of a dumpster most days before that. But there was no need to talk about his issues. Not in front of Noah.
“I’ll think about it,” Kaj said, gesturing with his drumsticks to the middle of the room. “Shall we?”
That Noah got along with Xander and Aksel as if they’d known each other forever when it had been just a month wasn’t what bothered Kaj the most. However, playing a filmed live session so they had some decent material to introduce the new member to their audience… That was a different thing. A very real and permanent thing.
Kaj hated it. More so when he couldn’t glare at Noah because the makeup artist was trying to conceal the dark circles under his eyes.Good luck with that, sweetheart.
The vocalist was chitchatting and laughing with Val, who was the band's photographer and videographer since the previous guy started his own studio in the city five years ago. Kaj knew they’d never stopped talking when Noah moved to the UK, just like he talked with Theo from time to time, even though he lived in Australia. They’d probably been hanging out since Noah came back, too, but Val knew better than to mention that man in front of Kaj, so he couldn’t confirm it. But it riled him that Noah was slowly taking over his entire life and every person in it.
Kaj let out a sigh and glanced to the right as the makeup girl made sure his skin wasn’t too shiny.
The static cameras and lighting were already in place, making the usual grunge style of this space feel cozy. Artificial Suicide’s crew had been working on it the day before, from sunrise to sunset. They used the musicians as stand-ins to set up the stage, check the equipment was working correctly, and experiment with angles, illumination, and dramatic effects they wanted to include in the video. Val didn’t even need to ask the group about the vibe or what they wanted to convey through their performance. He knew better than them how to capture and sell what they did.
