Kaj was just an empty vessel for his deviance.
Nothing had ever hurt so much.
If you tell anyone, I’ll make sure Noah watches the video so he sees for himself how much you truly enjoyed it.
He shouldn’t have flown so close to the sun. He shouldn’t have let his ambitions, greed, and thrill-seeking nature guide his decisions. That way, he wouldn’t have let his guard down and paid the ultimate price. This fall, the excruciating agony… He was the only one to blame for it all. Happiness had never been in the cards for him. Why did he think he even deserved it?
“Kaj!”
He closed his eyes, letting his delusion encapsulate him. Even in his descent to purgatory, he could still hear Noah’s voice. His dream. His hope. His home. But it was better this way, each walking different paths in their own little worlds. Kaj was a wrecking ball and had no intentions of bringing anyone down with him. Especially not Noah.
A drop. Two. Three.
Is it raining?
The world spun in reverse. His vision turned clearer, and Kaj could feel his hands again. He could feel the ground beneath his feet. The river flowed in front of him, the buzz of the city behind turned louder, people were running and… It was pouring.
“Kaj!”
How long have I been here?He asked himself, unable to move from the docks.
“Fucking shit! What the hell are you doing?”
Kaj struggled to focus his eyes as he turned around, but when he did, he saw him.Noah. He was rushing toward him like his life depended on it, hair drenched and all his clothes clinging to his frame like a second skin, like he’d taken a shower fully dressed.
Noah’s body crashed against his as he embraced him, arms tight as if he were afraid Kaj would evaporate. He himself was afraid this wasn’t even real.
“What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here?” Noah cupped his face with both hands. “What am I doing here?” he repeated, his tone getting louder and more strained with every word that left his mouth as he searched Kaj’s eyes. “You scared the shit out of everyone. What the fuck happened in there? Why did you run away like that?”
“Because.” Kaj’s voice sounded distant as he trembled. He wasn’t fully back, but at the same time, he was.
“I’m not joking.”
“Me neither.”
Exhaustion and annoyance turned into a lump in his throat as they stared at each other while rain poured, soaking them to the bone.
Kaj wanted Noah. He wanted him to rip his heart out so he could stop feeling so many things so intensely all at the same time. He wanted to kiss the water dripping from his lips and take all the silent promises he’d made every time he caressed him in the dark. But he couldn’t say that out loud. Not to this man. He was an undetonated landmine, ready to explode the moment he stepped on him. He couldn’t do that to Noah.
“Fuck, babe…” Noah’s thumbs brushed over his jaw as his hands slid to his neck. “I don’t know what it is, but please, stop hiding from this, from us. Stop pushing me away. We both know this isn’t ‘just sex’ anymore. It hasn’t been in a while. Don’t shut me out. Not again, please.”
The world around them scrunched up on the edges, swallowing itself like a black hole at the anguish in Noah’s voice.
Was it really that uncomplicated? Could he just close his eyes and trust Noah would catch him when he fell?Fuck…Although he didn’t feel worthy of Noah—much less while he was feeling that nagging sensation of wanting to drink himself into a coma—this was all Kaj had ever dreamed of. To be with him. To keep him forever, even if that meant he’d spend eternity in hell when he died for being so selfish and daring to touch him.
“Take me home.”
“What?”
“Take me home with you.”
“You’re all shivery…” Noah whispered.
A kiss pressed to Kaj’s shoulder as warm fingers intertwined with his and guided him inside the shower. He remembered getting into a cab after their argument in the rain, and the rest of his bandmates and Niels’s concerned expressions as they drove away, but he had no memory of the trip to Noah’s apartment. It wasn’t like he cared about any of it right now, though.
Amber, vanilla, and burning wood scents swirled in the air as water ran in the background, creating its own melody as it hit the stool Noah had put in there, the tiles, and the glass screen. It was so peaceful Kaj could feel himself fading into the atmosphere.
