A sharp, nauseating wave rolled through Kaj’s stomach and up his throat. A hand touched his arm.
“Kaj—”
Kaj jerked back like he’d been burned, his heart bruising itself against his ribs, hammering so hard it felt like it might break through.
He needed to go.
He needed toget out.
Without another word, he just turned andran.
Twenty-two
Asifsomeonehadpressed a fast-forward button, the world blurred. Kaj couldn’t make out faces. Couldn’t hear anything other than his own pulse and uneven breathing. Distorted, twisting, flickering lights.
He knew this was just another panic attack. But it felt like the end. Death throes crawling up his neck.
Kaj wanted to rip every organ out of his body. Pour lye flakes on each open wound and rot in the darkness the elongated shadows of his past were casting over him.
He hadn’t thought about Jesper in a long time. Not since he last saw him for Katja’s funeral—almost seven years ago. Not consciously. Not so vividly. But reading those words had thrust him straight into this mental paralysis where nothing but those horrid memories existed. It was as if his nightmares had materialized and were taking turns slicing a razor through his skin and muscles until they reached the nerve. Every receptor in his body was contorting, screaming for help into an endless void where no light or sound could escape. He was stranded. Trapped in an infinite loop inside his head.
Wasn’t he supposed to be in jail? Fuck, I should have kept tabs on him. I got too comfortable thinking I was safe.
Has he really been watching me all this time?
Stuck in his own skin, Kaj was slowly drowning. No matter how far he went or how high he climbed, there was nowhere to run.
Shit. I need to get stoned.
The thought struck against the ridges of his brain like thunder as his hands fumbled with the wallet and the fucking… chain… attached to it. Looking around him, he tried to picture where the closest store was so he could get a bottle of whiskey, but his mind was bleary, he couldn’t think straight.
There was a ripping sound as he pulled with angry force. Coins clattered on the pavement along with the chain. Water splashed, and the world swayed as Kaj crouched to pick the wallet and the scattered contents. His hands were shaking, and his heart was beating so fast it felt as though it was going to climb up his throat.
Suddenly, he was pressed down against the mattress, his face forcefully buried into a pillow.
This can’t be happening again.
Kaj was no longer one entity, but thousands of pieces split between two worlds, and he didn’t know which one was real anymore.
And he was cold.
Make it stop!
After years of self-pity and self-inflicted pain, of shame, of looking over his shoulder, of waking in the middle of the night thinking his partner’s arms werehis, Kaj had thought he’d finally freed himself of that sinister presence breathing down his neck. But here he was again. Jesper had found him. He’d been watching him, controlling his life from under the shade of the monster that he was.
How could I be so stupid?
They were one and the same, forever connected through this tragic pantomime.
Hugging himself, Kaj blinked away part of the haze. Buildings loomed in the distance. Somewhere in a secluded part of his consciousness, he recognized the view unfolding in front of him, but it felt like he’d walked into a parallel universe. He was lost in a place made of smoke and mirrors, all fogged up by eerie silhouettes and disturbing thoughts. The harder he tried to stay tethered to reality, the faster his demons flayed every cell and fiber in his body.
Kaj stood up to try to steady his breathing that was going haywire as the world got smaller around him. The edges of his vision turned black, and he fell into a tunnel, deeper and deeper, until the pressure was squeezing his lungs like a vise again.
Look at the mess you’ve created.
Golden locks, blue eyes… You're like a dirty little prince.
You wanted it, don’t you dare deny it.
