He looked so normal, not like someone who had cheated. No shame. No guilt. No trace of any other emotion at all. How could he—
Suddenly, it hit him, making him feel like throwing up all over again, and apparently, his body was in for it.
“Sorry.”
Noah ran into the bathroom, kicking the stall door open. Bending over the toilet, his retches and gags resonated in the space as his stomach contracted violently. He didn’t care that it’d been Jesper; they weren’t blood-related and hadn’t grown uptogether. But maybe this wasn’t the first time Kaj had cheated. Maybe he’d been doing it for weeks, or months. Maybe Jesper wasn’t even the first.
“I didn’t know you were sick.” Kaj caressed his hair, pulling it into a ponytail to hold it back for him.
Noah burst into tears.
He actually ugly fucking cried in front of his boyfriend, with his backpack toppling over the back of his head and his face in the toilet. Noah knew he wouldn’t be able to look at Kaj again without mentally traveling to the moment he’d plunged a sword through his heart. To touch him. To kiss him. To say that he loved him and act on it.
The idea that Kaj enjoyed being with someone else more than with him was nauseating. But breaking up? He simply couldn’t do it. Kaj was everything. Life was meaningless without him.
“Hey, hey... it’s alright, Noah.”
A hiccup pounced so hard inside of him it might as well have pulled his heart out of his mouth.
Scrubbing his eyes, Noah sat on the floor, face still scrunching in pain as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. God, this pressure in his chest, like his lungs were ruptured, was excruciating.
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this…” His voice was barely a whisper.
“What do you mean?” Kaj sat beside him.
“Us.”
“What?” Panic was loud in his voice. “What are you talking about?”
“I…” Noah bit his bottom lip as his chin trembled. “Doyoulove me?”
“Of course I do, baby.” Kaj grabbed his hands and squeezed. “I don’t know what’s going on. Please talk to me.”
“You’ve been distant.”
“I know. I’m trying to figure out some shit. But I’ll do better, I promise.”
Another tear slid down Noah’s face. “I called you the other day, but you didn’t pick up or call me back.”
“When?”
“Saturday.”
“I-I didn’t see anything.”
Noah wasn’t looking at him, but he felt Kaj stiffen. An action that spoke more eloquently than a million tongues. An action that only cemented his betrayal, turning it into a reality.
Had Kaj even thought about the consequences before letting that man touch him? Did he even feel sorry for lying to Noah after he’d given him everything? He didn’t want to know the answer. All he wanted—no, all heneeded—to hear was that he was going crazy and what he thought he’d seen had never happened. That it was all in his head. That Kaj loved him and onlyhim.
Noah just needed a silver lining. A life jacket that kept him afloat through the storm.
Dragging his back along the stall’s wall, he stood up on wobbly legs and bent forward, placing his hands on his knees. He was so dizzy. “I went to your house to see how you were doing the other day, but since you wouldn’t answer your phone or the door... I climbed to your room.”
Kaj jumped to his feet, stepping back. “Why the fuck did you do that?”
“Seriously?” Noah countered. He hadn’t known what to expect from Kaj, but him getting all defensive wasn’t it. “That’s all you have to say?Why the fuck did I do it?” He pushed past Kaj to walk out of the stall that felt smaller than it actually was. “As if we’ve never snuck up to each other’s rooms before.”
“That’s not the point.” Kaj grabbed him by the arm, fingers digging into the little muscle he had. “You shouldn’t have come without telling me.”
