“You want me to apologize for showing up unannounced? For missing you after barely seeing you during spring break? Or for catching you fucking your brother?” Noah shook himself free.
Kaj’s face twisted for a fraction of a second with something that resembled fear, but it soon morphed into sheer rage. “Fuck you, Noah! Fuck you!” He shoved his chest, making him stumble and hit his back against the wall.
“No, fuckyou! Fuck you for making me miss you and making me feel stupid for it,” Noah yelled as Kaj gripped the front of his T-shirt. “I tried talking to you!” he hissed, grabbing Kaj’s wrists and lowering his tone to a scratchy whisper when another guy entered the bathroom and stood in front of one of the urinals. “I texted, but you didn’t answer, and now I know why. I saw you. I fuckingsawyou…”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kaj gritted.
Neither of them moved or said anything else for the next few seconds. Their gazes were locked as they breathed heavily, drowning them in the fractured illusion of what they could have been and would never be after this.
Noah’s eyes were glassy with resentment and tears, but he still glimpsed the little tic in Kaj’s eyebrow that gave him away. He looked like he was about to break, on the verge of something Noah couldn’t even imagine.
He faltered for a moment, but as the bathroom door shut and they were left alone again, all the images from two days ago coiled in his mind.
“Why did you do it?” Noah’s voice cracked.
“Shut the fuck up.” Kaj seethed, pressing him harder against the wall and covering his mouth with a hand. “You know nothing!”
“You lied to me!” Noah scratched his forearm when he removed the palm trying to silence him. “You cheated. You let someone else touch you after promising you’d never hurt me like that!”
“I didn’t!” Kaj cried out, panic and anger blending in his irises.
Although Noah was dying to hear that, Kaj’s aggressive response didn’t leave much of a doubt anymore, and him lying to his face like this pissed him off. It was as if a fortress with barbed wire on top suddenly rose from the ground to surround and protect him. Nothing could get in and nothing could get out.
He pushed himself away from the wall and from Kaj. “I might be stupid for believing someone like you could love someone like me, but I’m not blind, you know?”
“Someone like you? What do you mean?”
“An outcast. A lowlife. Call it what you like.”
“You’re none of that.”
“I don’t care!” Noah walked over to the sinks to rinse his mouth and splash some water on his face, looking at Kaj through their reflection. “The thing is... you cheated. I don’t understand why you say you love me, or why you wanted me to believe we were forever.” He frowned at the pang in his chest. “It’s obvious you don’t.”
“Don’t say that! Idowant us to be forever, but you need to stop with all your insecurities.”
“Are you blaming it on me now?” Noah glared at him as his guts twisted. “I thought you had my back. I thought I could trust you witheverything! If you needed more from me, if I did or said something that bothered you, you could have said so, you know? We could have tried working it out. Or you could have broken up with me.”
Kaj looked so remorseful and sad. “That’s not what I meant. What I wanted to—”
“What you’ve done, slowly pulling away, being rude one day and nice the next…” Noah shook his head. “It’s like you expected me to get the memo and do it myself.”
“Noah, please, listen to me!”
“Do you love him?”
“What? No! You’re the only one I want.” Desperation laced Kaj’s tone as he crowded Noah, hugging him from behind. “I loveyou. Only you. I’m just... I’m struggling, okay? And I don’t know how to get out of this, but I’ll do better. I just need some more time.”
“I don’t know if I can...” Noah’s heart was thrashing, bruising itself against his ribs. He didn’t want to lose him. Didn’t want to spend a day on this planet without him. Just the simple thought was jarring. But he was losing the battle against all the fears waiting for him at the end of those empty promises. “You fucked him!” He couldn’t hold the tears back anymore.
“That’s not…” Kaj’s jaw clenched so hard Noah felt it on his shoulder as his nose pressed against his neck. A painful groan reverberated through the room as he tightened his arms around Noah. “That’s not true.”
“Stop lying!” Noah glared at him in the mirror, struggling to escape his embrace while tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I-I…”
Kaj turned him around and grabbed Noah’s face, crashing their mouths together. He tried to resist the attack, feeling utterly humiliated, but his will flickered as their bodies molded to each other like they always did.
Noah never wanted to let Kaj go, but knowing his lips had been on Jesper’s—and other parts of his body—was like salt on a flayed wound. Still, a part of him clung to this reverie frozen in time where it was just the two of them. Even if they couldn’t be together, Noah would love Kaj forever, but it hurt too much.
