“Go ahead.” He nodded, looking at her for the first time since the conversation had started.
“How was it?”
“What the fuck, Jäger?” His mouth twisted in a disgusted yet funny scowl.
“I’m not asking about the physical experience.” Leah rolled her eyes. “I just wanna know how it was for you, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever you wanna call it.”
Chris stared up at the ceiling once again, nibbling the inside of his lip.
No one,fucking no one, had gone down on him like that. The surge of dopamine, the eroticism of seeing Marc—this big, masculine, and strong man—between his legs with disheveled hair and hungry eyes… Not to mention the moment their gazes connected when the guitarist was jerking him off and kissing that mouth that should be fucking illegal. He’d never felt such intimacy with anyone. The inner peace and tranquility mixed with the lust... It’d been such a physical and mental high. As if he’d strummed a chord within his system, opening a door to an alternative universe full of possibilities.
If he hadn’t been so confused, he’d have asked the bassist to marry him there and then. That sounded superficial, but although sex wasn’t the main thing in a relationship, it was extremely important for Chris, and that man was wicked in more ways than one. He’d spellbound him, and now all he secretly wanted was to peel his layers one by one and find those truths nobody had ever seen. He wanted to become the center of his world, have him looking at him like that night for the rest of their lives.
Then again, it was too much to admit out loud and actually be ready to act on it.
“I… I felt good.Free. I don’t know how to put it into words, but I remember this rush… It was like everything finally fell into place.”
Leah smiled. “You know…” The ruffle of the sheets disrupted the quietness of the room when she shifted, her fingers weaving through his hair, making him sigh in delight. He loved it when she did that. “If someone makes you feel like music does, you should never let them go.”
“What?” Chris raised a brow.
“That’s how you say you feel when we’re on stage, playing together.”
He was about to reply, but he didn’t, just gaped like a fish a few times before rubbing both palms over his face.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Leah asked, sadness lacing her words.
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye again. “All this?”
“Yeah… I’d have loved to be there for you, Chris.”
“There was nothing you could have done. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. Still don’t. Even if it somehow makes sense, it’s crashing against everything I’ve ever believed about myself. Telling you sooner wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“But you wouldn’t have been so lonely.”
His heart squirmed as he let out a bitter chuckle. A stray tear rolled down his temple, and still, it was the best outlet he’d had in days. Finally voicing and sharing with her this ball of anguish that had been eating at him was like balm on a wound.
“It’s just… I’m confused and conflicted, and I don’t know what it means. Am I bisexual? Pansexual? Omnisexual? What the fuck am I? But I’m certain I’ve never wanted to be with a man before.”
“And you want to be with Marc?” Leah beamed when he looked up at her, as if those words had a bigger meaning than they did.
“I think so?” His brow furrowed. “I’ve never felt this foranyone.”
He wasn’t ready to stop fucking around. Thinking about tying himself to one person for the rest of his life didn’t feel natural. But he wanted Marc there, like a constant in an equation he still didn’t fully understand. He wanted to explore this new part of himself with him.
Her grin widened. “Marc-sexual. That’s what you are then.”
“The fuck?”
Leah lay down again, tucking both hands under her cheek. “I could pretend I know how you must be feeling, how this chaos inside of you is messing with your head… but I don’t. And I understand the need to put a name to what all this is, to categorize and rationalize it. But until you figure it out, why don’t you talk to him instead of being an ass?”
He laughed harder this time. “I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?”
“Yes, sir.” She nodded. “But it’s Marc we’re talking about. He’ll forgive you.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to take this step.”
“You don’t have to do it now, but make sure you at least get your friend back. Apologize and talk things through. He might be able to help you with this particular rollercoaster. He’s been there, too.”
