She shakes her head. “I don’t know where it came from.”
“Maybe your mom brought it up, or Tyler?”
“They don’t know about this place. It was just Kendra and Matt and me and… Michael,” she turns away from me when she says his name. “They were so happy. Matt had so much ahead of him. How could it all just be over? How can he just be gone?” She stands up. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
I take my glove off and put my hand against her cheek. “It’s okay to remember, Jess, even if it hurts.”
She takes a shaky breath. “That’s what my counselor keeps telling me, but I kept everything buried for so long, I’m not sure I know how to feel,” she pauses and looks directly in my eyes, “about anything.”
fifty-eight
Below Zero
Ican’t sleep. I haven't snowboarded in a long time, so I'm tired and sore, but my mind won’t turn off. I keep replaying moments from today—times when Jess let her guard down and let me inside the barrier. Like when I put my arm over the back of the lift and she didn’t move away or when I touched her face in the little grove. It doesn’t help that I’m acutely aware of her presence in the room next to mine. I saw when her door was open that our beds are on opposite sides of the same wall. There are only a few inches separating us. I touch the wall and think about her lying next to me. No wall between us.
I’m going crazy.
I sit up and slide out of the bed, trying not to wake Tyler up, but I do. He rolls over. “What are you doing, Jake?”
“I can’t sleep. I’m going for a walk.”
“You’re nuts. It’s freezing out there.” He wraps his blanket around himself to prove his point.
I don’t have a response for that, so I just fumble around in the dark for my boots and a shirt, and then open the door to the hallway. A little blue night-light gives enough light to get my bearings. I pause at Jess’ door, listening. I can't even hear her breathing.
I sneak my jacket out of the closet and open the door as quietly as possible.A blast of frigid air hits me, almost making me change my mind. Instead, I zip my coat up to my chin and go out. The moon reflecting off the snow makes it almost as bright as daylight.
I’m walking fast to stay warm and thinking faster, thinking about Jess. Wondering where we are now. Friends? Can we be more? If I try to push it, what’s going to happen? Would she welcome me, or would she push me away like before? And what’s the story with Stephens? Is she done with him, or on some kind of break?
A voice from somewhere above me interrupts my thoughts. “You lost, soldier?”
I look up. Jess is leaning on the balcony of our condo. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I had circled back behind it.
“What are you doing up?” I call back.
“What am I doing up? What are you doing walking around in the middle of the night? Sneaking back from some girls' condo?” She’s too far away to read her expression. I don’t know if she’s teasing me or if she really thinks that’s where I’ve been.
I hold up my hand. “No, nothing like that. I couldn’t sleep.”
“So you decided to go for a below zero stroll?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“I couldn’t sleep either.” Her hair falls loosely over the balcony, and her face glows in the moonlight like some haunting ghost of girlfriends past.
“You want to come out for a walk?” I ask.
She pulls a blanket around her shoulders. “No way. It’s freezing out there.”
“Can I come up?”
She shrugs. “Sure.”
I want to race up the stairs, but I remember in time that everyone else is sleeping. I open the sliding door quietly and walk out. She’s sitting on a chair with a blanket wrapped around her, looking at the mountains across the road. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
"Yeah." I answer, but I'm not looking at the mountains. I sit on the chair next to her, lean over and blow on my hands to warm them up. I forgot to grab gloves.
She turns. “You look cold.”
