Susan turned to stare at her sister. “Outgrow what?”
“This idea you have that love is a curse. Is that why you left? Because you feared the idea of love?”
“Leah… loveisa curse! How can you, of all people, be saying this? After what George did to you? I know that you thought you were in love with him. You wanted to believe that was real. And he turned on you. He betrayed you. Your life would have been a thousand times better if he had never entered into it! How can you sit there and tell me that falling in love is anything but a curse?”
Leah sighed, but she held eye contact with Susan.
“I would not have been better off if I hadn’t met George,” she said quietly. “I know it must seem that way to you. And hewashorrendous to me. I don’t excuse him. But if not for him, I wouldn’t have my Joshua. And I wouldn’t trade my son for anything in this world.”
Susan frowned. “I know that,” she said. “Of course you wouldn’t. But don’t you think… don’t you think there was another life you could have had? Don’t you ache for everything he stole from you?”
“My life isn’t over. Far from it,” Leah said. “I have so much left to do. I’ll watch Joshua grow up. I’ll be his mother. And I haven’t abandoned the idea of love, either. In fact, I’ve found someone new.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been seeing a man,” Leah said with a smile. “Just occasionally. We talk to one another. But I know he admires me. He’s said so.”
“You’re married,” Susan pointed out, feeling foolish and young.”
“I’m petitioning to end the marriage. I think the Court will grant my request,” Leah said. “And if they do, I will be free to pursue things with Lachlan.”
“Lachlan.” Susan tasted the name. “A Scotsman?”
“And a gentleman. Not in the sense that he holds any title. He’s a carpenter. But in terms of his character, he is a gentleman through and through. He respects me. He’s good with Joshua.” She gazed at Susan. “Sue, if I can allow myself to love again after all I’ve been through, you can surely do the same. You can allow yourself to feel something for the man you’ve married. You can love him, if that’s what your heart wants to do.”
Susan’s eyes filled with tears. ‘No,” she said quietly. “I can’t do it, Leah. I can’t trust him. What if he breaks my heart? What if it ends badly and I’m left wishing I had never allowed myself to love at all?”
“Sue, your heart is broken right now,” Leah pointed out. “Just look at you. I can tell how devastated you are to have lost him. I can tell you still want to be with him. If you’re going to feel this pain, you might as well try to gain something out of it.”
“It can get worse than this,” Susan said. “I know it can.”
“But you can’t be afraid to try,” Leah pressed. “You owe it to yourself. Listen to me. In spite of everything that happened to me, I do not wish I had never loved George. If I hadn’t, I’d never have had Joshua. I would never have found the strength to stand up for myself. And I wouldn’t know Lachlan today, because I wouldn’t have fled to Scotland. If I hadn’t loved, regardless of what it put me through, I would be in a world that was cold and empty of feeling. I’m grateful that that isn’t the case. I’m glad I took my chance, and whatever it cost me was worth it for what I gained.”
“I just don’t know how you can feel that way,” Susan murmured.
“Well, you must try to trust me,” Leah said. “The benefit of having an elder sister is that you have someone to follow, Sue. When I married, I had no one to show me what to expect. I had no one to answer my questions or assuage my fears. But you do. You have me, and I am telling you that if you allow yourself to believe in love, you won’t regret it.”
Susan didn’t know what to say.
It wasn’t that she thought Leah was being dishonest. Her sister would never lie to her. And besides, the radiant glow on her face made it abundantly clear that she meant every word. She didn’t regret her past, and she had since fallen in love with a new man.
But how could Susan possibly believe in any of it, when her whole life had been built around the idea that love wassomething to be avoided at all costs? How could she suddenly change her mind now that her sister was presenting a different outlook?
She couldn’t.
If she went back to Norman, she was putting herself at risk of destruction. She had gotten away just barely in time, had escaped before she had gone to pieces. Yes, she was hurting now, but she also knew that in due course she would recover. One day—though it seemed very far away—she would be all right again. She would go back to being the steady person she had always been. The person who knew the dangers of love and knew to keep it far away.
If she went back to him, she would lose all hope of becoming that person again. She would lose herself entirely; she was sure of it.
And what was more, he was unlikely to take her back. He hadn’t tried to convince her to stay, which told her clearly that he had no investment in her. If she went back to him, he would laugh at her for having left in the first place and laugh at her for having the audacity to return.
I have already squandered this,she realized.Even if I did agree with what Leah is saying, even if I did want to go back, I would have no freedom to do so, because Norman wouldn’t have me after what I’ve done.
The worst part was that she couldn’t blame him. After all, she’d told him from the start that she wanted nothing to do with loveor marriage. For her to go to him now and insist that she did want those things after all would be in violation of their original terms. He had never offered love. Of course, she couldn’t ask for it now.
“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” she told Leah.
In reality, it was nothing but a ploy to end the conversation. She knew tonight would be no different than any other night. Sleep would elude her, as it always did, and she would be left staring at the ceiling until the sun began to rise.
