“No, Susan. Joshua would be at far more risk than I am. Remember, George never wanted me. He’s angry that he has no control over me, but he doesn’t actuallywantme. With Joshua, it’s very different. George wants his son and heir. That’s why I left the country in the first place, you know—to keep Joshua safe. That’s what’s important to me. And Joshua is completely safe right now. It’s all right that I’m here.”
Susan wasn’t reassured. But her sisters were pulling out the chess pieces and setting them up on the board, sitting down opposite one another.
Marina glanced at her. “Susan, you can have the next game if you’d like. You can play against the winner.”
“I’m fine,” Susan said, her voice tighter than she meant it to be. “You two should go ahead and play.”
“All right,” Leah said. “We’ll play, and you watch.”
That didn’t make Susan feel any less angry. It was clear to her that her sister was humoring her, that she expected something to change.
She returned to her seat and picked up her book, flipping it open to a random page.
She was being cold, and she knew it. It upset her to act this way, considering it had been so long since she had seen Leah.
But truly, how could the two of them sit there and laugh as though nothing had happened? How could they act as if nothing had gone wrong, when the truth was that everything had?
She sat and watched as they made the opening moves in their game of chess. They were both absorbed by the board. They were laughing. They were happy.
She resented them for it.
It made her deeply sad that she was angry with their happiness rather than trying to share in it. But it also hurt her that they were capable of such a thing in the first place. It wasn’t fair that she carried the weight of everything that had happened in their family.
She swallowed her tears and did her best to accept what was happening.
But it hurt. And for the first time in her life, Susan felt on the outside of her own family.
CHAPTER 34
“Sue, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on,” Leah said.
It was hours after her arrival. Marina had retired to her own room with hugs and giggles for her two sisters. Gilbert had greeted Leah warmly, but he was gone too. Susan tried not to think about the way Gilbert and Marina had looked at one another, the blissful expressions on their faces. They were so in love.
I want them to be in love. I want this for Marina.It was just hard to watch because she had wanted it for herself. And she had never intended to feel that way.
Now she and Leah were sitting in her bedroom, a pot of tea between them and cups in their hands. Susan had a feeling they were going to be awake late into the night, and she didn’t mind. This conversation was difficult, but it was preferable to her usual hours lying awake in the darkness and wishing for sleep to come.
Still, though she appreciated her sister’s company, that didn’t mean she wanted to answer all these questions. “You said you didn’t want to make me talk about it,” she reminded Leah.
“I know,” Leah said. “And I won’t. Not for long. But to see you like this is worrying. Marina is very upset. I know you’re distraught over your marriage. I understand that. But I’d have thought you would at least talk to us. Haven’t we always confided in one another?”
“I don’t know how you can be back here,” Susan said. “After everything. After all George put you through.”
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” Leah soothed her. “None of his friends know I’m here either. He’s far away, fighting a war. I’m perfectly safe. I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you. Susan, what made you decide to leave your husband? Marina reassured me that nothing violent had happened, that he wasn’t a cruel man. So whatdidhappen between you?”
Susan felt angry. “I would have thought that you, of all people, would be on my side in this,” she told her sister.
“I am on your side. I am always on your side. How could you believe otherwise?”
“If you’re on my side, I don’t know how you can question me leaving him. If anything, I thought you would be disappointed that I allowed Marina to enter into a marriage while you were away. I thought you would tell me I failed her, not sit and laugh with her husband.” She struggled to account for the way she wasfeeling. She didn’twantLeah to have been unkind to Gilbert. “I thought you would tell me I was right for leaving,” she said at last. “But you seem to think I might have made a mistake.”
“Susan, I can’t know if you made a mistake. Not without knowing what happened. And even if it was a mistake, you must know that you will always have my love and support, no matter what. I will never turn against you. I’ll stand by your side in anything. But that doesn’t mean I’ll watch you walk away from something that might have made you happy without so much as a word.”
“But how could you think it would make me happy?” Susan exploded. The anger that had been building up within her had finally reached the surface and boiled over. She jumped to her feet and began to pace. “How could you think that a marriage was the right thing for anybody? I thought that having you back would mean that someone finally understood everything I have been trying to tell people. Marriage is too dangerous a game, and allowing yourself to fall in love almost always ends badly! Just look at what happened to you!”
She was breathing hard, her heart racing, and now she realized that tears were pricking at the backs of her eyes. She turned away from her sister to try to bring herself under control.
“Oh, Susan,” Leah said sadly. “I had hoped you would outgrow this.”
