His eyes were closed, but that smirk, that undeniable stubbornness was plastered on his face—something I’d missed this last week more than I realized.
Blinking, he peered to the side, whatever fog from earlier still clinging to his senses. A mixture between a groan and a chuckle sounded in the room. “Heard you were going to… pull the plug. D-Don’t you know I like to keep them in?”
I wanted to laugh. I wanted to retort. But I couldn’t.
Collapsing from Matt’s arms like the pathetic man I was, I dropped to the ground in a heap. Sobs shook my body as I struggled to hold myself up with my good hand, tears pouring down my cheeks. “I-I’m so… I-I’m so sorry… I-I-I failed… I fucking failed you, and I was going to have to e-end it… And I… And I…”
“I love you.” The words cut through my lingering wails. “Thorne, p-please come here… I need you.”
I remained on the floor, folding in on myself just like I had outside, a wave of my inadequacies crashing down on me at once. Shaking my head, I looked up at him through teary vision, his features nearly indecipherable. “I-I don’t… I don’t… deserve you… I-I don’t deserve your love… I don’t, O-Oren… I’m s-so… I’m…” A sob broke through the words, my voice shattering even further. “I-I’m so sorry…”
“You do.” Soft, but radiant like the sunlight I thought I’d never feel graze my skin again. “I love you, Thorne.” A choked sob. “I love you, andI’msorry for lying, for leaving you, for choosing to hide the plan. I’m sorry too.”
“I-It’s not…” My shoulders shook as I lifted my trembling hands, my gaze venturing to meet them. My right was completely destroyed from my outburst, coated in my life force with layers of skin missing—and still, even the bones I shattered didn’t make up for what I’d done to him. “Y-You almost… Y-You were dead… And I-I… I…”
“It’s okay,” he breathed. “I’m not dead… I couldn’t… couldn’t leave you.” His voice trembled. “You’re okay… I’m okay.”
“I-It should’ve been me…” I cried, struggling to lift my chin to look at him. “It should’ve been me… W-Who took the bullet… You should’ve just l-let me die… It’s my fault… My fault… M-My fault…”
“Not your fault. I’m okay, Thorne. I’m okay.”
“I-It’s my fault you were shot… M-M-My fault Simon lost h-his leg… My fault you succumbed to y-your father… A-All of it… E-Everything… Is my fucking fault… I’m just a goddamn d-disease…”
“It’s not your fault, Thorne. It was my father’s. All of it… All of it washisfault.” A grunt sounded, followed by the shuffle of sheets. “F-Fuck.”
“Oren!” Liam shouted, the scuffle of his feet sounding in the room. “Like hell you’re going to get up.”
“T-Then s-sit me up… I won’t… I won’t let him do this alone.” Another anguished cry left his lips.
But I was too far gone. No return in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel. And I didn’t want that to be the case.
All I’d done my entire life was fail every person I loved. Anything I touched burned to ashes, just like my family home had. I hadn’t been there to save them, to pull them from the fire. I’d faltered as the eldest, not catching the warning signs from my father before it was too late. The men who served beneath me were no different; their lives tossed to the wayside because of my inability to be the man I needed to be to lead them.
There were too many names, too many goddamn faces. Where their lives ceased, the beat of their hearts nulling into oblivion, I’d continued breathing. And for what? For fucking what? I was a cancer, incapable of nurturing anything or anyone I came into contact with. I was an infection, one that tainted the minds and bodies of far too many people, my talons inescapable.
I didn’t deserve to be alive.
I didn’t deserve tolive,even before Oren showed up.
And beyond that? Simon’s leg? The physical abuse? Lucas?
I was worthless—a complete and utter waste of space and time.
If anyone deserved that bullet, it was me. And somehow, someway, fate continued to laugh in my face out of the pure need to mock me for my inadequacies, for all the things I could never and would never amount to.
Blinking, I struggled to pull my attention from the tile I’d fixated on. My eyes wandered, and I hadn’t even realized I’d been digging my fingers into the damage I’d inflicted on my hand until I took the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding—the affliction that spread up my arm was nothing compared to what lived within my essence.
“Thorne, p-please… Ineedyou. I want you… All of your flaws and imperfections because… because I-I can’t survive without you. It’s why I took the bullet b-because if you… if you’ddied, I would’ve turned my gun to my heart. I-I can’t… can’t?—”
A broken chuckle left me as I swallowed, my throat raw from screaming. “M-Maybe that’s just another place I went wrong… Where you would’ve ended your life… I didn’t… And that… That just p-proves how undeserving I am of you and y-your love… I’m sorry, O-Oren…” Placing my good hand against the frigid linoleum, I struggled to push myself upright. “But I-I can’t… I should’ve died… My essence should’ve been snuffed out with t-that bullet… And I-I can’t stay… I can’t… be around you when I-I know that my presence, everything about me, will merely put you in harm's w-way…”
“You’re wrong.” Oren’s sob mingled with the despair I’d already succumbed to. “Your presence doesn’t harm me. Y-You lift me up. You make me whole, and I can’t… I can’t do this without you, Thorne. I love you, and you love me. Y-You stayed around because there was hope I’d wake up… You stayed at my side because you refused to leave me a-alone. What else is that but devotion? Youneverleft me, and I-I woke up foryou. Because there are so m-many things we have yet to accomplish. A house, a dog, a cat—anything you desire,with me.”
Electing to ignore everything else he said, knowing that if I addressed it I’d cave to him once more, I leveraged the one part of his statement that I could attach something to—someone to, someone whowasn’tme. “Liam, Simon, and Matt will be here for you.” My heart shattered with my words, the very core of my being screaming at me as I turned my back to him. “But I can’t… I can’t be anymore… I-I’m not good for you, and I refuse to continue to plague your life… Especially when you were just granted a second chance…”
“I DON’T WANT THEM!” Oren screamed, the agony in his voice unmistakable. “You are not a plague. You are… You are the air I breathe, Thorne Graves. You are my second chance, and fuck anyone who says you aren’t good enough. Y-You areperfectfor me, so please… please stay.”
I couldn’t.
