“I couldn't ask for more.”
King Raventar smiled gently. “Yes, you could. I just prompted you to. Now, what would you like? It would please megreatly to provide something that would bring you joy. Anything at all. Name it.”
I couldn't hold his gaze any longer. It was too beautiful and too real. The Dragon King saw too much. I looked down at his royal leather tunic, embellished with traditional Tabaaian beadwork. An eagle spread its wings across his chest, the gold beads making it gleam. It would please him to provide for me? That couldn't be true. He was trying to seduce me, and that made me both scared and eager. Yes, I was attracted to him, but that didn't undo my damage. I felt doubts creep in as I considered giving myself to him.
What if he became controlling after he bedded me? Bara had been sweet at first too. But after my fifth rejection—polite and as gentle as I could make it—he showed his true self. How long would it take before King Raventar showed me his truth? He was the Dragon King. Everything in the kingdom belonged to him. Including me. He didn't need my permission to take me to bed. He didn't even need magic, as Bara did. He could carry me screaming out of the dining hall, and no one would try to stop him. Great Gods, he could simply lay me across this table and take me in front of the entire court if he wanted to. Why did I feel safe there? Feeling safe around powerful men was foolish.
I began to tremble.
Even as my broken mind called me a fool, I knew I was being weak and unreasonable. The Dragon King had shown me nothing but kindness and patience. But that in itself worried me. That and my attraction to him. It was terrifying enough that he could control me, but the possibility that I might enjoy his control made it even worse.
“It's all right, Eliel,” the King's voice went soft. “I understand. Think about it. If you decide to trust me enough to provide what you truly desire, come to me. I promise I will expect nothing in return. I want only to see you smile.”
My breath caught, and my throat closed. Why did kindness hurt? Was it just fear? Was I scared that if I accepted his kindness, it would change? Or did I feel unworthy of it? A tear slid down my cheek, and I lowered my head to hide it from the Dragon King. That must be it. I was filthy and broken. Used. Bara had stained me with his evil, soiling my body, heart, and mind. I was not a fit lover for a king. I shouldn't be sitting next to him, much less asking him for gifts. How could he stand to look at me?
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” I pushed the words past my cold lips. “I would smile for you if I could.”
Then something solidified within me. I was filthy, but maybe that's what he wanted. Oh, dear Gods, that was it. The King knew he could do anything to me, and I'd accept it. Because it had already been done. He could use me without worrying about offending a noble family. No one cared about me in Tabaa. He wouldn't even have to make me a concubine, much less a consort.
There comes a point during abuse when you stop fighting. You just accept that this is your life now. It's hard to live in a constant state of battle. Especially when you're no match for your opponent. So you give up, and that brings relief. Seeing the King's truth at last gave me the same relief. He wasn't as bad as Bara, not even in this. He had been good to me and if I gave him what he wanted, he would continue to protect me. I was attracted to him. It wouldn't be awful. No, I didn't want him like this, but if this was what he wanted, then so be it. He was theKing, so he'd get what he wanted eventually, even without my capitulation. It was time to accept that I was damaged and only good for this now. At least I'd be serving the King and not a bastard like Bara.
Lips trembling, I forced myself to meet his gaze. “Is there anything else I might do for you to repay your kindness?” I softened my expression, so he'd know what I offered. “Anything at all?”
The Dragon King stiffened.
My stomach clenched. Had I misread him? Oh, dear Gods, did he not want me? Of course, he didn't want me! I was disgusting, and he was the Dragon King. He was only being kind to one of his subjects who had been abused by one of his lords. That's all it was, and I had just insulted him by offering him my body as payment. Heat suffused my cheeks, and I stumbled to my feet. My broken wing ached from the abrupt movement, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. How ridiculous I was, thinking that a man like him would debase himself by bedding me. For a week, I'd contemplated my attraction to him, and what a relationship with him would mean when all along, he hadn't been—
“Shhh, now. Eliel, please don't go. May I touch your shoulder?”
I turned to find him standing, one hand extended. I looked from his hand to his face. “I'm so sorry, Your Majesty. I was confused. I saw something that wasn't there. You've been so kind to me. I assumed . . . I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. I didn't mean to insult you.” I spun and dashed down the aisle in the center of the dining hall, ignoring the curious stares that followed me.
As soon as I was out of the dining hall, I ran. Humiliation was nothing new to me, but it hurt because it involved him. There had always been the possibility that the King would abuse me. I suspected his kindness was only a way for him to get me into his bed. But I had never considered that he was only being kind because it was the right thing to do. His generosity had nothing to do with my appearance. But as kind as he was, he wouldn't debase himself by taking a used, broken Lelurra to his bed. He truly was an honorable man, and I had thrown his honor in his face.
Yes, humiliation was known to me, but this type of shame was new. I had never been rejected. Strange, but the embarrassment helped me understand Bara better. Feeling the burning in my chest, I could see how it could drive a man like him to such brutality. If I had been a stronger man, I might have . . . no, what was I thinking? I could never do to anyone what Bara had done to me, and there was no excuse for his actions. Not even this humiliation could lessen what he'd done to me. That I could think, even for a second, that he was someone I could relate to just shows how fucked up I was. Again, because of him. I wanted to throw up.
Images of the Dragon King's smiling face and echoes of his gentle words chased me back to my guest room. I slammed the door behind me and cast the bolt. Panting, tears running down my cheeks, I stared at the room he had provided for me. The luxuries. The bed. I had misread it all. But how did I misunderstand his erections? I had seen King Raventar's body respond to me many times.
And then it came to me. A man could not control his desires, but he could control his actions. The King desired me, but he didn'twantme. He knew I was filthy now. That's why hewas so careful not to touch me. He didn't want to give in to his physical urges. The Dragon King was above me in all ways. He knew it and couldn't bring himself to indulge his lust with me.
Like a child, I flung myself into that thoughtful bed he'd given me and cried. Even my tears were foolish. I wasn't ready for another lover, but there I was, mourning the loss of a relationship with the King. Not even a relationship. I had offered him sex as a gift or payment. I would have broken myself more for him. But he refused even that. It was the humiliation. That's why I cried. Not the Dragon King himself, but the mirror he held up to me. Great Goddess Lurransa! I had just behaved like a whore. I could never face him again.
I never realized how much I relied on my looks. I'd been coddled for most of my life because of my beauty. My parents thought I'd become the consort of a chief or maybe even a famous entertainer. Then Bara had shown me the other side of beauty. The brutal side of desire. Madness brought on by obsession. Sex used as a weapon. I had gone from taking pride in my appearance to abhorring it. And now, faced with a third option—that my beauty was irrelevant—I found myself strangely adrift. Who was I if not the lovely Eliel? And what kind of person builds their entire identity around the way they look? It was preposterous. But that's what I had done. I had so much pride and confidence in my appearance that I knew it would give me an easy life. I expected it.
Perhaps Bara had been sent by the Goddess to punish me for my vanity. Lurransa was said to be fair and wise, but also valued humility. Well, I was humbled now.
No longer would I have to worry about my beauty bringing me ruin. Nor would I have to fear being intimate with anyone. I should have felt relieved. It was done. I was alreadyruined. No one would touch me ever again. Especially not the Dragon King of Tabaa. I was safe from such abuse.
So why was I crying? Why did the future seem like an empty sea that I had been cast adrift upon? No ship in sight. No hope of even drowning. Just me, floating on my wings forever.
Sniffing, I sat up and wrapped my wings around myself. My broken wing sent a twinge down my spine, but I craved the physical pain. It cleared my head of nonsense. Showed me the truth. Rooted me in reality. This was good. I could accept the King's generosity without worrying about him wanting something from me in return. He had said as much. The palace could be a sanctuary for me until I recovered.
I needed to start thinking about where I would go after I got better. I couldn't go home, but I couldn't stay with the Dragon King forever either. The thought sent an unexpected panic through me. Not over the uncertainty of my future, but that it wouldn't have King Raventar in it.
“You're such a fool,” I whispered to myself. “Such a vain, silly man. What use are you to anyone? All you had to offer was your beauty, and now that it's tainted, you're nothing.”
I hid within the cocoon of my wings and cried.
Chapter Three
