Xae grunted and turned around. Rath followed him to the bathroom. Once they were gone, my shoulders dropped in both relief and guilt. I loved them both, but we were constantly together, and after that shit show of a mission, I needed to be alone.
Fuck. Those bodies. It never got easier, seeing walking corpses. Their rotting flesh. Holes for eyes. Gooey—ugh! No, that's enough of that shit.
I faded downstairs into the arrival chamber, just to be sure I didn't fade into anyone, then strode outside. On the steps of the citadel, I realized I only had two options. I could go right toward the gardens or left toward the training yard. One would be full of sweaty men and the other might have a few Lords seeking the same solace that I was. I didn't want to sit awkwardly next to another Wraith Lord.
The memory of meeting Jath came to mind, and I grimaced. Nope, I couldn't do that again.
As if I'd summoned him, Jath landed in the courtyard before me. He straightened from his landing crouch and spotted me. We both went still.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath and started to turn around. Maybe I could fade to the forest. That pool Kel had taken me to sounded good.
“Ember,” Jath called out.
I paused.
His footsteps sounded behind me, then he was standing next to me, his wings brushing my back. “Hey, uh. About what happened in the hallway last week, I shouldn't have—”
“I understand,” I cut him off with a lifted hand. “I know what it's like to battle with yourself. Believe me, I do. But I'm still fighting my battles, and I don't have the strength to deal with your shit too.”
Jath stiffened. “Right. Yes, of course. I just wanted to apologize.”
“It's completely unnecessary.” I spun, dashed down the steps, and headed toward the garden.
I assumed he wouldn't follow me there.
I was wrong.
“Hey!” Jath ran after me.
I kept going, striding through the gate and into the maze of vegetables, herbs, and fruit trees. A breeze cooled my damp clothes and made me sigh. The scent was lovely there, and the sight of all that greenery calmed me. But that calm wouldn't settle in if Jath kept dogging my heels.
Just as I stepped below the overhang of an orange tree, I spun about to face him. “What else do you want?”
His stare fell to my lips.
“No!” I pointed at him. “I just told you I can't deal with your shit. Didn't you hear Dreven the other day? They're all counting on me, and I've been failing them. I can't fuck around with men who just want to play games.”
“I'm not playing games.”
“No, I'm sorry,” I said sarcastically. “You're trying to decide if you want to punch me or fuck me.”
Jath winced.
“Am I right?”
“I'm conflicted about you. But I definitely want you.”
My jaw snapped shut.
“I can't stop watching you, Ember. I wait for you to come downstairs every day, and I try to work up the courage to speak to you. But then I see them—the faces of my dead trainees. And I just sit there and stare at you. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm playing with you. I don't mean to. I'm just—”
“Battling yourself,” I said. “Yes, I believe we've covered that.”
“My chest tightens every time I look at you,” Jath whispered. “And I never know if the ache is about desire or anger.” He paused then added, “Or guilt.”
“Look, Jath, I understand. I don't know how many times I have to say that to you, but there it is again. I get it. You don't have to explain anymore, and,pleasestop talking about how much you want me. As I said, I've got my own shit to deal with. I don't need yours too.”
“And telling you that I want you is giving you my shit?”
