“We’re going to miss you, that’s all,” Harlee says, reaching across the table again to take my hand in hers, but I draw back before she can. “But of course we’re still going to help you find a way home.”
“Really?” And there I go again, speaking when I should be keeping my trap shut. “Because lately it’s felt as if you don’t give a fuck if I never get home.” I stand so quickly my chair topples over with a crash that has Harlee wincing.
“I do! I care.”
Briar reaches around me and picks up my chair. She’s watching me like I’m a bomb that might explode at any second. I know if I did, she’d be the first person to leap in front of Harlee, a Human shield against my misplaced aggression.
That thought immediately deflates me.
“I’m sorry. I was being a bitch. Again.”God.I sigh. After eight days of barely speaking to anyone and spending all my time worrying about Killan and Earth and leaving, my nerves are frayed—more than I’d realized. “I’m stressed because I keep thinking about how the spaceship outside is my only way home, and I don’t want to miss my one chance. But that isn’t your fault, and I shouldn’t have yelled.”
Harlee and Briar share a look.
They’re worried about saying the wrong thing again and setting me off. I drop into my chair, sinking as low as my feelings of shame and regret.
“We’ve gone through some pretty heavy stuff lately,” Harlee says, surprising me.
“Being kidnapped is a huge fucking deal,” Briar agrees. “It’s no wonder you’re on edge. Getting angry all the time is your trauma response.”
“But…” I swallow the first thing I’d been about to say, which would have been way more bitchy than constructive, and instead say, “You guys aren’t grumpy all the time. You aren’t having a”—I try to remember what Briar’d called it—“trauma response.”
“Girl,” Briar says, “I’ve been having nightmares for weeks.”
“You have?” Harlee looks surprised.
“I thought I was fine, and I am. Most of the time. I love Sorin and I love our new life, but lately, well, I’ve been having bad dreams that I’m back on Mr. Smith’s ship. Sometimes I’m being interviewed by Chloe, and we’re in that gross room with the LOVE GALAXY wallpaper and the heart-shaped chairs. Othertimes I’m trying to open a door, but they’re all locked, and there’s no way for me to get out.”
“That sucks.” I rub Briar’s back, at a loss to understand how I ended up with two such amazing women.
They’re right, of course. So much has happened lately, and I haven’t been feeling myself. How could I be, when I’m trapped on analienplanet?
Sometimes, it’s scarily easy to forget that Killan is an alien, and remembering causes the air to stick in my throat. He’s become…familiar.
It would be simple to give up fighting to return home. It might even be simple to let myself fall in love with him.
The thought is terrifying.
Loving Killan would be a betrayal of Lucas. I can’t have broken up with one man for my bakery to then abandon my bakery for the next man. And I’d be betraying Lucas’s entire family, too, who accepted me as one of their own right up until the moment I broke their son’s heart. For bread.
Award-winning bread, sure. But bread, nonetheless.
And…if I’m being brutally honest, most of all I’d be betraying myself.
“I was fifteen when I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t end up like my mum.” It’s not until I finish the sentence that I realize I’ve spoken out loud.
“What d’you mean?” Harlee asks, biting her cuticles. She catches herself doing it and stuffs her hands into her pockets, but not before I catch sight of how red and raw her fingertips are.
God, have I been stressing her out that much?
“Mum’s boyfriend at the time had just made her quit her job,” I explain uncomfortably. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I definitely owe Harlee and Briar an explanation for my crappy behavior. “Brian promised he’d look after us, and he kept going on and on about how she didn’t have to work anymorebecause he was the new man of the house, and it was his job to provide for us. It was so obvious he was full of bullshit, but she believed him.” I look down at my hands. “After that, whenever he was stressed about money, he’d take his anger out on my mum. The second time he hit her, she broke up with him, but it took her ages to find a new job. The worst thing is that when the next guy came along, she fell for it all over again. So I promised myself that I’d never give up on my dreams for any man. Not even if he was the love of my life.”
“And, um…” Briar clears her throat. “Is Killan—” She stops abruptly.
I’m not looking, but if I had to guess, I’d say Harlee must have kicked Briar under the table.
“It was so easy to fall in love with Lucas,” I continue.
“Sorry, what now?” Briar demands. If Harlee kicks her a second time, it doesn’t slow her down. “Lucas? You haven’t mentioned a Lucas before. Who’s he?”
