I fumbled for a response and used one I'd gotten away with before. "Yeah, of course. Just tired. I didn't sleep too well last night."
He didn't look surprised, but he didn't press, either. He stepped forward to pull me into a quick hug. "Safe trip, yeah? Don't disappear for so long this time."
I forced a smile as I stepped back. "I won't."
He flashed a grin and turned toward the kitchen, yawning again as he shuffled off. I watched him go as the familiar ache already began to set in.
Too slow, Rowan...
I slipped outside, the morning air cool against my face. The streets were just starting to wake up – commuters in a rush, tourists with their cameras already out. It was a world Eli thrived in. But it would never be mine again.
I checked my phone. Marcus had already sent a message asking for my train's arrival time. I'd answer him once I got to the station. For now, I just needed to get out of London. Back to the quiet of home, where things made sense. Where I didn't have to pretend I was okay with how things were.
But as I made my way to the station, the weight of the goodbye clung to me. No matter how many times I left, no matter how many times I told myself to move on, it never got easier. Letting go of Eli was like trying to unlearn how to breathe.
The train ride itself felt longer than usual. The countryside blurred past the windows in streaks of green and gold, but I watched it without really seeing it. My mind refusedto focus on anything. Marcus's latest text sat unopened in my inbox. I should've felt something. Excitement, maybe, or at least a sense that I was trying to move forward.
But mostly, I just felt exhausted. Of wanting what I couldn't have. Of pretending that I didn't want it.
Eventually, I opened the message to let Marcus know the train was about ten minutes out. At least with him, I didn’t have to second-guess where I stood or what he wanted. Being around him was easy. Predictable in a way that wasn't boring. Safe.
As the train sped toward home, I tried to push thoughts of Eli out of my head. I needed to stop clinging to something that was never mine to begin with. The steady rhythm of the tracks rumbled beneath my feet, and I leaned back to let the sound pull me into something that felt like peace. Or as close as I could get to it.
It should've been easy. I'd had years to let go of the hope that he might someday see me as more than just the quiet, reliable friend. When Eli came out as bi, I felt something I hadn’t let myself feel in a long time. For a while, I entertained the thought that maybe, someday, things could be different with us.
But nothing changed. And this visit made it painfully clear that it never would. He still looked at me and treated me the same way. And every time I thought I’d gotten over it, he pulled me back in. I knew it was stupid to keep holding on. But he’d taken root in my chest, and I just couldn't pull him out.
The train began to slow as it neared the station, and I sat up, shaking the thoughts from my head. Marcus. I needed to focus on Marcus. He was real. He wanted me. He was steady and confident. Someone I could actually build something with if I'd just let myself.
I grabbed my bag as the train hissed to a stop, then filed out with the rest of the riders onto the platform. The air wascooler here. Quieter. Tunbridge Wells was a completely different world compared to London's restless energy. I fell into the slower pace without effort, and I could finally breathe again.
I didn't miss the city. But I did miss Eli.
The thought crept in before I could stop it, and I muttered a curse under my breath.
Still, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages as I walked. A part of me hoped there'd be something from him. Maybe a quick update, some stupid meme, or even a half-baked complaint about work.
But the screen was empty. Of course it was. We'd just said goodbye a few hours ago. He had his own life to get back to. I couldn't expect him to still be thinking about me.
As I left the station, I spotted Marcus near the entrance. He looked sharp as always in a crisp white shirt, sleeves rolled up, standing with his usual polished ease. His smile was already waiting when he saw me.
"There he is." Before I could say anything, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Missed you."
"Sorry," I said, a little surprised by the gesture. "Train ran late."
"Doesn't matter. You're here now." He reached for the strap of my bag and tossed it over his shoulder before I could argue. "Come on. I made a reservation at that new place in the Pantiles. Figured we could try something different."
I let him take the bag with a quiet thanks as I fell into step beside him. He started talking about a new client at work and something about the restaurant's reviews, his voice smooth and casual. I listened and let his words fill the space while my mind drifted.
The restaurant was sleek, all glass and dark wood. A little more polished than what I was used to, but Marcus fit right in. He held the door for me, and we were seated near the back. The kind of tucked-away spot that probably needed a name dropor a network connection to land.
As the conversation carried on, I started to relax. Marcus was good at keeping things easy with light jokes, thoughtful questions, and that steady attention that made it tough to look away from him for too long. It was nice.
By the time we left, I felt a little lighter. Marcus walked me home, his hand brushing mine until he finally laced our fingers together. I didn't pull away. For a moment, I let myself lean into the idea of moving on and letting someone else in.
It was what I needed. It was time.
When we reached my building, Marcus handed me my bag with a smile. "I'll see you soon?"
