I rolled onto my side and shut my eyes, but it didn't help. My thoughts kept circling back to the same place. Seeing Eli again and spending time together was everything I wanted. Yet it always left me emptier than before I got here.
Every visit played out the same. He'd make me laugh. We'd tease each other. And for a little while, I could pretend things were normal.
But nothing was normal about how I felt when it came to Eli.
He didn't know. Hecouldn'tknow. That was a line I'd never cross, no matter how much it hurt to keep it to myself. My friendship with him was the only thing that kept me sane some days. The thought of ruining that, of him pulling away if he ever found out... I couldn't risk that.
I let out a long breath and turned onto my back again. It was hard to be around him. Hard to feel that way and know he never would. I'd gotten used to it. Had to, really, but that didn'tmake it any easier. Especially after days like today, when we slipped so easily back into old habits.
To him, I was just Rowan. The quiet friend. The one who was always there, always ready to listen when everything else in his life fell apart.
That was enough for me. It had to be.
My phone buzzed on the nightstand. I reached for it and flicked the screen on. It was a text from Marcus:Lunch when you're back tomorrow?
I'd wondered how long it would take him to check in. He always seemed to know when I needed a distraction, even when I was an hour away. He was consistent like that. Thoughtful. Attentive.
And I liked him. I did. He was easy to talk to, confident in ways that I wasn't. He wasn't complicated and made space for me in his life without hesitation.
He was present. He wasn't Eli.
Maybe that was the point.
I typed out a quick reply to his message:Sure. I'll text you the train time.
His response came through a few seconds later:Sleep well. I'll be waiting.
I gave a small smile and set the phone back on the nightstand. A strange sense of finality washed over me. Maybe this was the sign I needed to move on from Eli once and for all. It hurt to think about, but holding onto something that was never going to happen hurt worse.
The clock on the wall ticked past midnight, but sleep didn't come. I lay there with my thoughts racing in circles, bouncing between Eli and Marcus, between what I wanted and what I needed. I wasn't sure how to untangle any of it, but I knew I couldn't keep going like this. I couldn't stay stuck in the same place and hope things would change when I knew they wouldn't. I'd done it for far too long already.
I sighed and closed my eyes. Tomorrow I'd leave to go back to my quiet, predictable life. I'd try to let Marcus in properly. And maybe I could find a way to stop thinking about Eli.
* * *
Morning came too quickly. Sunlight filtered through the curtains, casting the room in a soft, golden light. I packed my bag slowly, my mind still slightly foggy from a night of less-than-great sleep. I wasn't in a rush to leave, but staying any longer would just delay the inevitable. The visit with Eli had been good, yet these trips always left me torn between wanting more and knowing I couldn't have it.
I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed for the door, hoping to slip out without waking him. We'd already said our goodbyes the night before, and part of me was glad for that. It was easier to walk away without seeing him again.
But just as my hand touched the doorknob, a quiet noise behind me made me jump. I turned, heart stuttering, to find Eli standing in the hallway. Half awake, hair a mess, eyes still heavy with sleep.
I pressed a hand to my chest as I tried to steady my breathing. "Jesus, Eli."
He flashed a tired grin, rubbing a hand through his tousled hair. "Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you."
"Well, you did," I grumbled, my pulse still racing. "I thought you were still asleep."
He yawned and leaned against the doorframe. "Yeah, but I thought I'd at least catch you before you took off."
I adjusted the strap of my bag awkwardly. "I was gonna leave you a note or something."
He raised an eyebrow with a lazy smirk. "A note? What am I, some random Airbnb host?"
I shook my head with a quiet laugh.
We just stood there for a moment, our usual banter slipping into quiet. But my panic spiked when I caught Eli watching me with a softer expression. His gaze lingered a little too long, and it made me uneasy.
"You alright?" His voice was quieter than usual.
