“That’s all I said?”
“You mumbled some other stuff that didn’t make sense.”
“It’s nothing.” Releasing her hand, I climb to my feet, needing to get out of here because it feels like I can’t breathe, and I don’t want to fall apart in front of her. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I just need a little space right now.”
She looks miserable, and guilt has a vise grip on my heart. It seems I’m not done fucking things up.
“I’m going for a walk. I’ll talk to you later.”
I don’t look back as I walk off, struggling to draw enough air into my lungs. When I reach the sand dunes at the back of the beach, I throw up, heaving until there’s nothing left in my stomach. Then I wander off the beaten track, staying away from the busy beach, as my thoughts attempt to strangle me. Back and forth I go, debating the pros and cons of my options, until I feel like screaming.
I wish I could tell Jamie. I’m sorely tempted to because I need his help. But I can’t pull him into this. It would set off a whole chain reaction of things I’m ill-equipped to handle.
I’ve been walking for hours when I finally make the trek back to the house. Ash has been blowing up my phone, but I’ve been ignoring her. Like I’ve ignored Vivien’s messages.
My heart is splitting down the middle, and I don’t want to face either of the women in my life.
I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to make peace with the decision I’ve reached.
I can’t tell her.
Vivien can never know.
Either way, I will lose her, but at least this way she won’t be aware of my betrayal. I know it’s still gonna hurt her. But not as much as the truth. She’ll never believe me when I tell her I fell in love too. That none of the other stuff matters anymore. Only she does. But my words would fall on deaf ears. She wouldn’t be able to see past my manipulations.
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
So, I’ll take the path of lesser evil.
And hope I can somehow survive when the darkness descends, threatening to bury me under a mountain of rubble I created.
40
AGE 20
Ispend the next four days holed up in my bedroom, writing, internally screaming, and ghosting the girl I love. I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t stop my brain from obsessing over Viv. It feels like I’m running on empty, and that hollow void is back, sucking all the happiness I’d previously felt and locking it deep down inside where I can’t reach it.
I remember now. I remember whispering those three little words when I was drunk. She can’t know how big of a deal it is that I said that. She doesn’t know how hard it is for me to let people in. To let them love me and love them in return. But it happened with her without me even realizing. Which is how I know we are meant to be.
I love her.
I whispered my truth, and I can’t remember if she said it back or not. She never mentioned any of this on Monday morning when we last spoke, and that tells me all I need to know.
Hope is such a cruel, fickle emotion. Deep down, there was a part of me hoping she’d make the decision. Praying she’d stay without me having to ask. But her failing to mention I told her I loved her puts the final nail in the hope coffin. We don’t havea future. I can’t conjure it into being no matter how much I’ve fantasized about sharing my life with her.
If she felt the same way, she’d have told me. She’d have already made plans to remain in Ireland. Vivien has done the opposite. Lining up a new apartment with Audrey close to UCLA and signing up for a dress design course at night are not the actions of a woman desperately in love.
In her head, she’s already said goodbye to me and our relationship.
That realization about killed me, so I took the coward’s route, and I’ve been avoiding my girlfriend, choosing to start the breaking and grieving process now. I’m not proud of myself for hurting her like this, but I’m trying to do what I think is best.
At least it’s plenty of ammunition for my muse. I’m writing up a storm. No idea if any of it is useful, but at least it’s helping me to vent.
The instant I see her face from the stage during our set at Whelans Friday night, all my resolve goes out the window. Fuck.How could I have stayed away from her this week?One look at her beautiful face is like being sucker punched in the heart and the cock.I need her. I need to hold her in my arms. Smell her familiar scent. Allow the feel of her soft womanly body to ground me and soothe all my jagged edges. Let her words comfort me.
It takes colossal willpower not to ditch the show to go to her. Pain is transparent on her face as we lock eyes the entire time I’m performing, and I hate myself for doing that to her.What the fuck was I thinking?I’ve just wasted precious days when I could have been loving her and showing her all the reasons why it’s not too late to change her mind and stay.
I’m willing to give everything up for her. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching lately, and I’m wondering how much her decision to go home is tied into what might potentially happen with Toxic Gods. Vivien lost Reeve in pursuit of his dreams.Is she scared the same thing might happen now? Is that what’s holding her back?
