I don’t give a flying fuck about this A&R guy. I don’t give a fuck about the band. I’ll give it all up in a heartbeat if that’s what she needs. I wouldn’t even feel guilty because I’m that fucking selfish when it comes to the woman I love. My dreams mean fuck all when it comes to her happiness.
Jamie joked Viv was like Yoko Ono, and I swore she wasn’t. Yet here I am, prepared to walk away because of her. It’s irony at its finest.
I sing every song for her, wanting Viv to see she’s more important than the music. The crowd go wild when we debut “Terrify Me.” I dedicate it to her. Not by name. I still don’t want her to be a target, though it’s foolish to believe any of our regular fans don’t know who I’m talking about. Viv has been glued to my lap and my lips for months.
The instant our set is done, I hand off my guitar, jump offstage, and stalk toward her. I pull her into my arms, feeling like the biggest prick in the world when a sob rips from her mouth. “I’m sorry, Viv. I didn’t mean to abandon you all week. It just hurts.”
“How do you think I feel?”
“I can’t bear the thought of you leaving. It’s killing me inside.”
“So, you thought you’d ghost me all week and start the breaking early?”
Yep, ’cause I’m an idiot.I pull her aside where it’s more private. “I don’t know how to process this. It wasn’t intentional. I was just all up in my feels, and I shut myself away, pouring myemotions onto the page.” I caress her gorgeous face. “I thought it might be easier to go cold turkey, but I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m no good at this stuff.”
Her palms clasp my face. “No one is, Dillon. There is no rule book for this kind of thing.”
“I want to rewind time and do things differently.”
She lifts a brow. “Why would you say that? I wouldn’t change a single thing about our time together except it’d be nice if you didn’t give me emotional whiplash so much. But I know that’s part of your charm. Part of who you are.”
I love how she understands me and loves me, flaws and all.
“I’m going to make it up to you. We’re going to have the best few days. We still have time.”
The next few days are spent locked away in Viv’s apartment, avoiding the outside world. Ash is staying with Jamie to give us privacy. There’s an obvious desperation to the way we cling to one another as our time dwindles like sand disappearing in an hourglass. We fuck like savages, and it’s pretty much nonstop when we’re not talking or eating. I can’t bury myself deep enough inside her, though it’s not from lack of trying.
Pain, anger, and frustration are constant companions when I lie in her bed at night, cradling my sleeping beauty in my arms, while trying to find a resolution to this nightmare.
I still don’t know the answer even though it’s our last night together, and I’m officially all out of time.
“Come with me,” I say on Sunday evening, pulling my girl off the sofa and guiding her into the bathroom where I have a bath waiting.
“What is this?” she asks in a strangled voice, staring at the rose petals drifting across the surface of the bath. Relaxing music is playing in the background.
“I have plans for us tonight. I kicked Ash out. I’m commandeering the kitchen, and you’re to get your beautiful self in the bath and relax.”
Ash wanted to join us for dinner with Jay, and I know it was selfish of me to tell her no, but this could be my last night with Vivien, and I’m not sharing her. Ash’s relationship with her will continue, albeit it at long distance, but she’ll still get to have Vivien in her life. I won’t. Once she gets on that plane tomorrow night, I’ll most likely never see her again.
“Jesus, Dillon. Are you truly trying to destroy me?”
A tear rolls down her cheek, and I capture it with my thumb. “Time is running out, Hollywood,” I whisper, like speaking the words is blasphemy. “I want our last night together to be memorable.”
Toxic Gods has a booking tomorrow night, and I’m sick we can’t get out of it. I tried, but Bruxelles said they’ll ban us for life if we’re a no-show, and I can’t do that to the guys.
“Take your time in the bath, and then get dolled up. But you’re to stay in your room while I set things up. I’ll come get you when I’m ready.” I hand her a glass of prosecco, wishing my budget stretched to champagne.
Vivien wears her heart in her eyes as she stares at me with so much love and adoration my knees almost buckle. Her mouth opens and closes, and I will her to say it, but that’s not what comes out of her mouth.“Thank you.” She kisses me sweetly, and my heart physically hurts. “You’re the best.”
Remaining outside the bathroom for a few minutes, I drop my head to the closed door and squeeze my eyes shut when I hear her quietly crying. I get no comfort knowing she’s in agonizing pain too. We’ve both been melancholy today. Quietand locked in our own thoughts as we cling to one another with a desperation that can only be born from true soul-deep love.
Why did I deceive her?
Why did I refuse to see what’s been there right from the very start?
If I hadn’t lied, this would all be so different.
I hate myself so much as I tiptoe away from the bathroom, immersing myself in cooking while my heart cracks and breaks irreparably.
