“I showered while I hung out with my new family. It was hard putting on a brave face, but they’d come all this way to see me, so I did it. But it took every ounce of strength from my body, so after they went back to Florida, I crawled under these covers and I have only come out to pee and make coffee or grab some water.”
“I know you’re hurting, but this isn’t the way. You cannot abuse your body again. I won’t let you.”
“I have no appetite, Hads. I’m a fucking mess.” A sob rips from my throat. “I have to go back to work tomorrow, but how do I do that when I can’t stop freaking crying all the time? And I have this awful pain in my chest. It won’t go away. I think my heart might physically be broken or maybe it’s just ripped in two.” Tears stream down my face. “I’m a horrible person.”
“No, you’re not.” She links her fingers in mine. “What I said on the phone still stands. You are not a horrible person. It’s physically and emotionally impossible.”
“I see his face every morning when I wake, and he’s the last thing on my mind at night. Beck,” I clarify. “Beck is all I see. It used to be Garrick, and now I’ve replaced him with Beck, and what kind of person does that to a man in a coma? And I’m not just talking about now. When I was in France, I barely thought about Garrick at all because I was too busy having fun with another man.”
“You listen to me, Stevie Colson, and you listen good.” Hadley wears her “don’t mess with me” face. “You didn’t plan this. You have been incredibly loyal to Garrick, and you didn’t set out to fall in love with another man, but you did. It just happened, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for feeling what you do. It’s only natural. You can’t fight your heart if he is who you want. You two are so flipping good together, and it would be a travesty if nothing came of it.”
Sympathy splays across her face as she brushes the dampness from my cheeks. “Think of it like this. Beck has been in your life almost a year. It’s the same amount of time you were with Garrick. Garrick has been gone from your life for almost two years. You and Garrick have been separated longer than the length of your relationship. Garrick would not want you to waste your life in bed crying over something you couldn’t control. He’d say it was fate you met Beck, and he’d be happy someone is loving you the way he can’t. It’s not wrong to want to be happy, and it’s not wrong to love Beck. He’s amazing, Stevie. Garrick was too, but he’s not here. Beck is, and I would hate to see you throw away a love like this out of guilt or remorse or fear.”
“What would everyone think? It would look so bad if I started dating Beck.”
“Babe, most people already think you are. People are not blind. It’s impossible not to see the love radiating between you when you are together.”
“Great, that’s just great.” I bury my head in my pillow, thinking of how awful Dawn and Hugh must think I am.
“Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks?” Hadley says, taking a brush and combing my knotty hair. “This is your life, Stevie. You only get one shot at it, and things can change in the blink of an eye. You know this better than anyone.”
I tip my face up and haul my back against the headboard when she’s finished trying to tame the wild mess on top of my head. “I know life is short and you need to make the most of it. I learned that lesson the hard way, but how can I do this to Garrick?” I lean my head on her shoulder.
“This will sound cold, but it’s not my intent. Garrick doesn’t know any different, babe, and he’s probably never going to. We don’t know if he’s aware of anything around him or not. If he is, you’re no longer part of his world, through no fault of your own. Garrick may have already said goodbye to you in his mind. I’m not saying you should discount him. I’m not saying that at all. I know you need to process everything, but you need to prioritize yourself, and you need to consider Beck.”
“Of course, I’m considering him. He’s on my mind constantly. I miss him so badly. It feels like I’m missing a limb, and it’s killing me to be apart from him.”
Beck is staying true to his word and giving me space. He only broke it one time. I received a text at midnight on New Year’s Eve wishing me a happy new year and letting me know he loves me and misses me. I was supposed to be ringing in the new year with him at Jenny and Law’s party, and it made me sad I wasn’t there. I replied telling him I loved and missed him too, and that was the end of our conversation.
“Poor Beck. He’s been in love with you for so long. He has the patience of a saint to wait for you to acknowledge your feelings. But for him, it’s always been about you. He has proven it, repeatedly, how he places your needs before his own, and I couldn’t love him any more for it.”
“How did I get here, Hads?” I wrap my arm around her. “How did it get to the point where I love two guys? I’m never throwing shade at Mom again.”
“Life is strange, but it is what it is.” She forces me to sit up. “It would be worse to not love anyone. You need to face up to it and stop wallowing in a pity party for one. My best friend is made of inner steel, and she can face any challenge put in her path. So, get your stinky ass out of bed, Opium Poppy, and into the shower. I’m going to clean your room, change your sheets, and call for takeout. Then you’re going to get your stuff ready for work tomorrow, and you’re going to call Ramona for an emergency appointment. You need to get your head sorted and put both of you out of your misery.”
* * *
“How is work?” Ramona asks on Friday evening after I have settled on her blue velvet couch for my appointment.
“It’s been difficult this week. I’m distracted and making mistakes.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Why are you distracted?”
I fill her in on everything that has happened, pouring my heart out, explaining how guilty I feel for cheating on Garrick and for harboring such strong feelings for Beck. “Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty for loving Beck when he is so deserving of my love. He has been a rock for me, and now the fog has lifted from my mind, I am not surprised I fell for him. Only that I didn’t see it for so long.” I frantically twirl a lock of my hair around my finger. “On and on it goes. All of this playing on a repetitive loop in my mind, and it feels like I’m going insane. I’m only eating because Hadley is forcing me to, and I get up and go to work because I don’t want to let my employer down, but I’m just going through the motions. I’m getting no enjoyment from life anymore. Wallowing in self-pity is like my full-time occupation these days.”
“There is a lot to unpack there,” Ramona says, passing me a box of tissues with a soft smile.
“I didn’t even realize I was crying,” I admit, mopping my tears with a tissue. “I’m crying at the drop of a hat again. It feels like I’m regressing.”
“I’m glad you came to see me. It’s important you don’t undo all the great progress you’ve made. This is the second stage of your grieving process, and you can’t fully move forward with your life without dissecting these feelings. Overcoming your guilt over the accident was the first part, but your work isn’t done.”
“What do you mean?”
“This is the part where you fully grieve for Garrick and your past relationship and move on to a new future with Beck.”
My jaw slackens at the casual way she puts it out there.
“I’m not surprised by this latest development. It was clear to me from the way you spoke about him and the way your eyes always light up when you’re discussing Beck that you’d fallen in love with him. I was trying to encourage you to talk about it, but you weren’t ready. I knew you would reach this point yourself. We need to break it down, but ultimately, it boils down to happiness, and it’s not selfish to be happy.”
