“I cheated on Garrick, and I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“But did you?”
“What?” I knot my hands on my lap, staring at her in confusion. “I don’t know what you’re inferring. Garrick is my boyfriend. I’m his girlfriend, and I shouldn’t have kissed another man. I shouldn’t love another man. It’s the ultimate betrayal.”
“Can you consider yourself to still be in a relationship if you haven't talked to the person in nineteen months or seen them for seven months? I know there are extenuating circumstances, but I don't know if you have a title any longer. Are you going to remain his girlfriend forever? Live in limbo indefinitely? At what point will it ever feel right to not call yourself that? Can you put a time frame on it? On love?”
“But we didn’t break up,” I splutter, trying to make sense of the mess in my head. Ramona has raised valid points, but it’s not like there’s a rule book for this situation. “We were very much together at the time of the accident.”
“The accident and your relationship are in the past. Have you ever considered what might have happened if there was no accident and you had moved to Seattle while Garrick stayed at UO? Would you have stayed together? Or would you have broken up?”
“I can’t answer that, and I don’t see how it helps.”
“You’re a very different person now, Stevie. A different woman than the woman who first came to my office. Your experiences have shaped and matured you. Would this Stevie be happy in a relationship with Garrick if he woke?”
“Again, that’s irrelevant.”
“But is it?”
She’s starting to piss me off. “He’s not awake, so how does talking about it make any difference?”
“You need to consider all angles before you decide how to proceed with your relationship with Beck.”
“I don’t have arelationshipwith Beck. We’re friends.”
“Friends who love one another as more than friends. You can label it however you want, Stevie, but you can’t ignore the truth. You don’t have a relationship with Garrick now. You have a relationship with Beck. Garrick hasn’t been the man in your life for some time. Beck is.”
* * *
I leave therapy with more questions than answers, and I’m in a foul mood. My first instinct is to call Beck and ask if he wants to get drunk, but I can’t do that to him. I can’t contact him until I know what I want and I’m no clearer on a decision. Hadley is working at the library until eight tonight, so I guess I’m flying solo.
I stop at a bar a few blocks from home, order a whisky, and settle into a booth to drown my sorrows. Thoughts are rotating through my head nonstop, and I need alcohol to blot it out. Deep down, I know what I want and what I’m going to do, but accepting that decision is not easy. I can’t reconcile it within myself because it feels like the worst betrayal, but I can’t keep doing this either because I’ll go crazy.
My phone vibrates across the table, and I snatch it up, swiping to accept Mom’s call.
“Stevie.” Sobs filter down the line, and I’m instantly on high alert.
“Mom? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“It’s Nana.”
My heart stops beating for a split second.
“She’s gone, honey.”
“What?” I splutter. I don’t trust my ears because that can’t be true.
“Nana collapsed in the shop, and they couldn’t resuscitate her. When the ambulance arrived, they pronounced her dead.”
My phone clatters onto the table as heart-wrenching sobs wrack my body. I’m shaking, and I feel so cold. This can’t be real. It must be a nightmare. I only spoke to her a few days ago. She made me tea and consoled me the day after Christmas. She told me to follow my heart. Nana always knows the right thing to say, and she wouldn’t leave me. Not when I need her so badly. I can barely swallow over the lump wedged in my throat and the pressure sitting on my chest as more anguished cries rip from my mouth.
The ruckus I’m making draws a concerned bartender to the table. He says something to me, but I don’t hear the words. I can’t hear anything, see anything, or think anything over the intense pressure sitting on my chest.
Nana can’t be gone.
She’s too young and too vibrant to no longer exist. She’s not even seventy. We were going to throw her a big party in May because she wouldn’t celebrate her last two birthdays due to the anniversary of the crash.
And now she’s gone?
