I couldn’t help but chuckle weakly at the visual. He’d described Carson to aT. He was the man who hated Christmas, but very few people realized it was because he wanted more time to spend with the people he loved and hated the rush from one party to the next. And despite the way he glared at every holiday display in the windows, he’d driven me to Pineville because it was a shame I didn’t have my apartment decked out for the season.
That had been the night I started truly seeing the cracks in his veneer. It was a way for him to let me in. Now, I needed to do the same.
Knowing it was a losing battle to argue with Shiloh about staying to help, I grabbed my coat off the hook. “Are you sure you don’t want me to help pack the warmers?”
“Positive.” Shiloh gave me a playful shove. “Now, go, before I tell you to stay home tonight and relax. I can’t begin to tell you how much your hard work and dedication mean to me. I know it’s been more than you asked for when you came in looking for a job, but you’re a natural at this.”
I preened at the praise. Shiloh was one of the first people who hadn’t expected me to live up to expectations that were never suited for me. And now, I had a huge found family rooting for my success. Yeah, I needed to get out of there and clean up.
I gave Shiloh and Teddy quick hugs, which never would have happened a month ago. But without realizing it, Carson had opened my eyes to how much love and support there was in this town—if I was brave enough to drop my guard and let people in.
Despite the fact it had been snowing since morning, my windows were scraped clear. But the biggest surprise was the man leaning against the front of his truck in the parking spot next to mine. “Hey, can we talk?”
It took everything in me to not throw myself into Carson’s arms and beg his forgiveness. Instead, I was cool and collected as I approached him. The front of his lined flannel was damp with melted snow, but that didn’t stop me from pressing my body against his, burying my head against his shoulder. “I’m an idiot, Carson.”
“No, you’re not.” He gripped my chin, forcing me to look into his deep eyes. I’d heard so many times in my life how the eyes were the windows to the soul, but never until that moment did I fully understand. I saw every ounce of fear, pain, and…love as he stared back at me. “I still don’t get what in the hell happened last night, but we’re both going to have times we completely fuck up. Give me long enough, and I’ll probably piss you offer far more often than you could imagine. But a wise man told me I can’t let you run just because you’re scared. He said I had to fight for what I wanted, and that’s you.”
“But why?” The words were muffled in the thick fabric of his jacket. Maintaining eye contact was uncomfortable, no matter how I wanted to show him that respect. “You could have anyone, and now that you’re out, your pool of eligible partners is even bigger.”
“Don’t care about any of them,” he responded sincerely. “Have you considered I never settled down with any of the people I slept with because they weren’t right for me? And I’m glad because settling is all it would have been, and I might not have realized you were the reason none of them were enough for me. And I love that you’re just as freaked out and inexperienced as I am. I’d much rather figure things out with someone I love than someone I have to worry about letting down if I don’t like something or if I don’t have the foggiest fucking idea what I’m doing.”
I didn’t miss the way he slipped the L-word in there like it was nothing. A lump formed in my throat, giving me time to figure out what part of his little speech I wanted to discuss first. I swallowed hard and leaned back. “I love you too, Carson. It’s insane to me that I can feel so strongly for someone when we haven’t been intimate, but I do.”
Carson leaned in so close that I could feel his breath on my lips, and then he pressed them faintly against mine. My head spun as I pulled back to look into his eyes, the deep brown pools of lust staring back at me, all earlier traces of anxiety gone.
“You’re wrong. Intimacy is more than just sex,” he whispered huskily, his hand now resting firmly just above the swell of my backside. “I may have had sex before, but I’ve never felt as connected to anyone as I do to you.” His words sent a shiver down my spine as I let out a low moan. Carson continued divulging his deepest thoughts, promising an experience that was so much more than physical pleasure. He finished by stating boldly, “There’s no rush.”
“What if I want there to be?” My words hung in the air, and Carson’s fingers brushed against my cheek as his lips found mine again. I melted into his embrace, and for the first time since I’d met him, I started to let go of my fears. This man loved me, and he wouldn’t hurt me.
I wanted to make this moment last, and from the way Carson’s grip tightened around me, he felt the same. It didn’t matter that it was cold outside or that the snow was still falling—I knew I wouldn’t be able to feel anything other than the feelings I had for this amazing man.
As our kiss ended, we stayed in each other’s arms until Carson finally spoke up.
“Let’s go home,” he said softly, his breath tickling my ear. “A little birdie told me you have a big night ahead of you. After the party, we’ll talk about what comes next.”
I smiled and nodded, feeling more content than I had in a long time. We got into his truck, and as he drove away, I could sense a change in our relationship. Whatever had been broken before now felt repaired, and even though I knew our relationship was far from perfect, I also knew we had what it took to make it work.
“Where are we going?” I asked when Carson turned in the opposite direction of my apartment complex.
“I have something to show you,” he responded cryptically. He kept one hand on the wheel and the other covering mine on the console as he navigated the snow-covered streets of town. “I meant it when I said I did a lot of thinking last night. I’m not sure I’ll ever find the words to tell you how happy you make me. I was comfortable being the Grinch of the family. No matter how they teased me, it didn’t matter because the holidays lost their meaning long ago.
“But then you came into my life, and I couldn’t let my storm clouds dull your shine,” he continued. “The lack of decorations at my place was fine. It suited me. But when I walked into your apartment and you had nothing, it felt so fucking wrong. You exude happiness, and I didn’t miss the way your entire face lit up when we passed the shops downtown. You love the holidays, but you held back from surrounding yourself with any reminders when you were home.”
I hated how well he knew me. It wasn’t often I had people over to my place, but the few who’d been there trusted me when I told them I had other things to spend my money on than a tree and ornaments that would spend most of the year in storage. But not Carson. He still didn’t know the full reason, but he seemed to understand that I loved what the season represented, even if my own memories were painted with a brush I wanted to run from.
He parked the truck and quickly rounded the front, opening the door for me. It was little gestures like this that reminded me just how lucky I was. I promised myself right then and there that I’d never take his kindness and chivalry for granted. “It dawned on me yesterday that you’ve never been here, and I’m sorry for that.”
“To be fair, most of the time we’ve been together, you were giving me a ride home because my car was broken.” It hadn’t struck me as odd that I’d never been to his place, but I still loved him trying to rectify what he saw as a slight.
We walked up the front steps with our hands linked. One of his neighbors came out the front door, waving to him in greeting. I chuckled at the look of shock on her face when he reciprocated with a cheerful, “Happy holidays, Wendy.”
“You really did embrace the Grinch thing, didn’t you?”
“More than I care to admit.” He entered his code on the keypad next to the door. When it clicked, he stepped aside, ushering me in ahead of him. “But I’m hoping you’ll help me make the sort of memories I’ve always longed for.”
“For as long you let me,” I promised. There was a new weight as I followed him up the stairs. My nerves jangled, and I had to remind my libido he’d already warned me nothing would happen until later tonight. This afternoon was for fulfilling one of my slightly tamer fantasies.
21
