“It can’t be as bad as whatever you’re brewing up in your head,” Mara urged when I didn’t start talking.
“You don’t know that.” I slurped some of the whipped cream concoction off the top of my mug to get to the cocoa without wearing the toppings. “What’s wrong with me, Mara?”
She leaned against the counter after handing over the drink she’d been working on. “You’re going to have to be a bit more specific. Are we talking in general, the ways you’ve disappointed your asshole parents by trying to live your own life, or something else?”
“Something else.” God, she really did get me. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.
She waved her hand in the air, urging me to continue. When I didn’t say anything, she rolled her eyes. “Listen, I love you, but I don’t have time to play twenty questions tonight. Did you come down here to talk or not?”
Was not actually an option? Because not talking seemed so much safer than talking. I was beating myself up enough without anyone else telling me I was never going to find someone if I didn’t learn how to keep my fool mouth shut.
“Oh shit, did you meet someone?” Mara blinked slowly, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence,” I scoffed.
“Hey, you’re the one who keeps getting in your own way.” She grabbed a rag and wiped down the counters as we kept talking. “I don’t get it if I’m being brutally honest. You’re a good guy, Ez. You have this huge heart, and you’d be a great boyfriend to someone. Hell, you need someone in your life at this point. You’re happiest when taking care of other people, and the right guy would love that about you.”
“Yeah, but at this point, I’m pretty sure I’m the problem,” I whined. “I don’t know how I screwed up this time. No, I do. It’s stupid, really.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that,” she suggested. Another drink order came in, this time a cold drink, so she stayed right in front of me as she worked. “What did you do that has you thinking this is the end of the world as you know it?”
“I freaked when he tried holding my hand,” I blurted out. “I don’t know why, but I thought it would be a good idea to let him know right then and there that I’ve never been in a relationship before because he doesn’t strike me as the type to screw around. Then again, I’m probably not a good judge of that since, until today, I didn’t think he was into guys either.”
“Oh, Ez.” Mara sighed heavily. “Are you sure it was a date? I know you’re ready to pop that moldy old cherry of yours, but straight guys aren’t the way to go.”
“First of all, that’s disgusting.” I made gagging noises as I heaved dramatically. “And second, I’ll have you know that he’s the one who asked me out. Sort of.”
“What in the hell does sort of mean? I feel like you’re holding the details about what happened captive in that pretty little head of yours.” She called out to her employee that she was taking a break and motioned for me to follow her back to the office. “There. Now that we have some privacy, tell me what’s going on. For real this time.”
“Okay, so he came in to talk about the details for the Christmas party, and I’d spent the afternoon playing around with some recipes I found online,” I started, not thinking about the landmine I was about to walk into. “He was about to leave, so I grabbed some of the desserts I’d made this morning. Shiloh wasn’t feeling well, so he asked me to help him out so he wasn’t getting people sick by working around food. And you’re right. I was riding high because of the meeting last night and then having Shiloh tell me how good my work was. I might have girl-bossed a little too close to the sun.”
“You seriously need to quit watching TikTok, my friend. Talking in memes and viral sounds doesn’t suit someone with a master’s in English lit.” I scowled at her, and she held up her hands in surrender. “Sorry. Sorry. Please continue. So you got this mystery man of yours all fat and happy. Sounds like a good start so far.”
“It’s not like I fed him a five-course dinner or anything,” I protested. She cocked her head to the side, giving me a look I knew meant she wouldn’t let me get away with trying to change the subject. “So everything was going great. I thought it was silly when he said we should have a cookie decorating contest with the winner paying for dinner.”
“Oooh, I like this guy. Forget what I said as long as he’s not actually a straight dude and you’re hallucinating something. Keep going because so far, I’m failing to see the problem.” While I talked, she started slipping a knife under the flaps of a stack of envelopes on her desk.
“It didn’t make any sense because, obviously, I was going to win.” The words sounded conceited when I said them, but it was the truth. “There was no way he would have won that contest against me. And that realization was what gave me the first hint that he might be interested in me like that. Because if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have invited me to dinner, right?”
“Obviously,” she agreed. “So what happened between then and now that has you planning to go home and have a pity party in the dark?”
She made me sound pathetic, but her assumption wasn’t wrong. That was exactly what I was going to do if I hadn’t come here. Because that’s what one did when they had zero social skills, no friends because they were the rainbow sheep of the church flock, and hadn’t been smart enough to stay away after graduation because housing was dirt cheap in a tiny town like this.
“I let Lacey know I was leaving for the day. She gave me a hard time about having a hot date.” I’d wished for a hole to open in the floor and suck me into the depths of hell when she’d said that. I’d looked to Carson, expecting him to be upset that she’d said something like that aloud, but he’d looked more flustered than anything. “While we were walking, the wind picked up. The gusts kept pushing us closer together.”
“Uh-huh, sounds like someone’s got game,” she teased. “Seriously, Ezra? The wind forced you closer to him?”
“It did!” I insisted. “Before I knew what was happening, he started holding my hand. Right there on Main Street where anyone could see!”
“Good! It shows that you don’t have to worry about crushing on the straight dude,” she said matter-of-factly. “So, again, what’s the issue here?”
“I told him I’d never done this before, and he tried to make me feel better by saying he hasn’t either.” That was the moment my heart sank. I might not be experienced, but even I knew that being someone’s experiment was the only thing worse than falling for a guy who wasn’t into men. It wasn’t until we were already on our way back to the cars that I realized I didn’t know his story. Plenty of guys weren’t out, and I certainly wasn’t one to judge anyone on never having been with a man. According to my parents, I couldn’t know if I was really gay because it was all a theory at this point. While that hurt, the academic side of my brain understood what they were saying.
“Oh, how cute! You can be each other’s firsts!” She practically squealed, and if I had to guess, she was probably already planning our wedding in the park. When she realized I didn’t share her excitement, she sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “Tell me you didn’t do something stupid when he made himself vulnerable.”
“I wish I could.” I cringed, her words having hit the mark a little too closely. I’d hurt him. He’d tried being honest with me, and I messed up. Instead of being happy that I could be myself without having to worry about my lack of experience driving a wedge between us, I’d let the things I’d heard about him fooling around with women and going on dates but never settling down paint a very unflattering picture of him in my mind.
“Oh, Ezra,” she sighed again. “What did you do? Tell me so we can figure out how to fix this.”
