My teammates.
My career.
Mylife.
I’d offered every bullshit excuse in the book, but what it all boiled down to was that I was a coward who didn’t want to take a risk.
Zach, who was quickly becoming the king of impeccable timing in my mind, walked back inside. I didn’t realize until I jumped back that I’d been tempted to lean in and kiss Nixon. Just once, because the chemistry that we’d bottled up for the better part of a decade was ready to explode. The way he shifted in his seat, I got the impression Nixon might’ve been having similar thoughts, but he recovered quickly. “Care to tell us what that was all about?”
Zach started at the beginning, telling us how Griffin had called to give him a heads-up that our conversation in the hotel meeting room had been recorded.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t suck in a breath. It felt like I had a linebacker resting on my chest. No matter how much I swore to everyone that I wasn’t hiding, that’s sure as hell what it felt like as Zach informed us that footage was being edited and used for the firstOutside the Pocketpromotional trailer.
Hunter was just starting to accept that his father really was a gay man and my sexuality hadn’t been a convenient excuse to get out of my marriage, and now this. The reasons I hadn’t fully embraced being out sooner came into focus; I didn’t want to do anything that could cause him issues at school. I was still trying to protect him, even though he was a grown man on the verge of starting his own life.
Maybe it was time to talk to him and come up with a plan that wouldn’t leave him hating me for wrecking his future.
Whatever Zach was saying became muffled as my mind raced with thoughts I’d long suppressed. I closed my eyes, needing to regain my composure before they thought I was losing my mind. Then I felt Nixon’s strong grip around my fingers. I opened my eyes and attempted to reassure him with a smile.
I’m okay. Just focus on Zach,I tried to say through my gaze.
That was good advice. I should consider following it, because all I could think about was the warmth of Nixon’s hand against mine. He didn’t mean anything by it; he was trying to be a good friend, reassuring me that I was okay. That no one here was judging me.
Nixon was probably oblivious to what it did to me every time I felt his skin against mine. I pulled my hand free before either of them could pick up on my inner turmoil.
“I don’t think they’ll say anything about you, Linc,” Nixon assured me when Zach finished talking. I quirked an eyebrow, interested to hear his reasoning, because I had zero faith they wouldn’t exploit everyone they possibly could. “There’s nothing to be gained by outing you. Sure, it’s not like guys are coming out every week, but it’s not newsworthy for a retired player to admit that he’s gay.”
“But what if they do?” Zach asked, staring at the floor as I wrung my hands. “None of us know what they’re planning. For all we know, they’ll see this as getting a two-for-one deal.”
“Nope, not going to happen,” I insisted, agreeing with Nixon. “While I never made an announcement about my sexuality, I haven’t exactly been discreet recently. It won’t take anything more than a Google search of my name to find pictures of me at dinner with men.”
“You’re dating?” Nixon asked, flinching away. I heard the pain in his question—or maybe I imagined the emotion I wished that revelation could draw out of him. He pressed his lips into a thin line, as though trying to keep from saying anything else in Zach’s presence. The kid already thought there was something going on between us, no need to give him more ammunition.
“No, nothing like that,” I reassured him. “More like I’ve been testing the waters. When I do find someone I want to settle down with, I don’t want them subjected to the hype. I don’t want them to feel like a circus freak show because they’re dating a washed-up football player. So far, no one’s said a word.”
I wanted to talk about this more, find out if Nixon was actually upset about the mention of me dating someone. But that was something else that’d have to wait, because right now, we needed to talk Zach off the proverbial ledge. It spoke to his character that he was more concerned about the potential fallout for me than he was about his own fate.
“Zach, I know you’re worried about how this will impact me, but please don’t.”
He was already shouldering more of the burden than should be expected of him; I didn’t want him blaming himself for anything that might happen to my own reputation. After all, if someone wanted to be pissed off that I’d stayed in the dark safety of the closet for so long, they’d have good reason to be upset. That wasn’t Zach’s fault.
“The people who truly matter in my life already know I’m gay, so whatever happens, we’ll roll with it. Right now, we’d all be better off trying to come up with a plan to protect you.”
“I don’t need protection,” he argued. “I’ve known this was going to happen eventually, and honestly, I’m relieved.”
“That may be the case, but that doesn’t mean life is going to be easy for you now,” Nixon added.
Zach jumped at the sound of the buzzer, and Nixon patted his shoulder as he crossed the room to open the door for Teddy and Griffin. After a few agonizing seconds flicking his gaze between the latest arrivals, Zach offered his boyfriend an uneasy smile.
“Like it or not, your entire life is going to be under a microscope. The good news is you seem to be fairly smitten with Griffin, so it won’t be hard for you to show the world that it’s possible for a gay player to be in a healthy relationship.”
Perhaps the somber glance my direction was unintentional, but whether or not that was the case, his eyes were filled with accusation.
What in the hell’s that all about?
Nixon was the last man who had any right to talk about what constituted a healthy relationship. The three men in the room who knew nothing about our past kept me from going down that road.
Instead, I focused on Zach and Griffin, hoping we were all able to work together to find a way for the obvious love between them to survive the media backlash.
