His scowl quickly softened but I could tell he was trying to keep his walls up. “Who says I need to be taken care of? I’m more than capable of keeping myself alive.”
“I know that,” I reassured him, hoping to stave off his tantrum. If there was one thing Tanner hated, it had always been anyone treating him like he was fragile or incompetent. “That doesn't mean you don't deserve someone who will treat you like a prince. You need someone who will encourage you to figure out what you want most out of life and cheer you on as you achieve your dreams.”
“If it wasn’t for the complications, would you be that guy for me?” Fuck, I was right; this was a mistake. If I hadn’t opened Pandora’s box, he wouldn’t sound so hopeful and sad at the same time.
“Would you want me to be?” The air between us grew heavy and I felt a weight dropping onto my chest with every second he didn't respond. Stupid. I couldn’t not know what he was thinking, even if it was going to lead to heartbreak.
“I'm not sure I can answer that without more information.” I wanted to praise him, tell him what a good boy he was for not giving me the answer he thought I wanted to hear, but I still needed to be careful until he knew what he’d be agreeing to with me. “After all, you’re being cagey and secretive. So why don’t you spit it out and we’ll see what happens?”
There was no easy way of saying this, so I started rambling, hoping I wasn't making too much of a fool of myself. Maybe a bit more about college and what I'd been up to since moving out east would help him understand more.
“Part of what scared me about that morning was how right everything felt with you,” I admitted. “And there were things that I wanted that I knew you wouldn't be ready for.”
“You could have asked for my input,” he interrupted. I narrowed my eyes and pursed my lips. He folded his hands neatly in his lap. “Sorry. Go ahead.”
“Thank you. And I know making that decision for you was upsetting, but I can't lie and tell you I would have done anything differently if I had it to do over again. If you knew the type of things I’m into, you'd understand more why the age difference was such a dealbreaker for me then.
“The year leading up to that day had been life changing for me. I know that sounds cliché, but I mean it.” The GPS interrupted with the next series of directions. I glanced at the screen, irritated that I'd waited until we were only fifteen minutes away from the resort to have this conversation.
Even the full drive from the curb outside Tanner's apartment to the resort wouldn’t have been enough time to cover everything. “I'll explain more to you later if you want, but I'd really like to get this out while it's just the two of us. Do you think you can let me talk and save your questions and objections until the end?”
“Have you met me?” Tanner scoffed. I shot him a playful glare. “Fine. Is it enough if I say I'll try?”
“That's all I ask.” I squeezed his hand before pulling it back to my thigh. There was something comforting about the idea of being connected to him as I went through the short version of the story.
“Your brother and I drifted a bit that school year. He knew that I had been hanging out with a different group of people and he didn't approve, to say the least.” I chuckled as I thought about all the shit he said to me when he walked into the apartment we shared and found me spanking my flavor of the week, as he so eloquently put it. “That year, I had still been trying to convince myself I was straight, and for a while, I thought I'd found what was missing. I could never get hard when I was making out with a girl, but the first time one of my new friends took me to a club, I thought I'd found my missing link.”
“You really aren't doing anything to help the situation here,” Tanner pointed out. He pointed at the GPS. “You're wasting time. That means you're worried about what I'm going to say to whatever this huge revelation is. Just spit it out. I’ve probably done more than whatever you're worried is going to shock me.”
“I sure as hell hope not.” Just the thought of Tanner letting anyone blister his pretty ass was enough to make me see red. I had no right, but that was something I wanted to share with him. But who I was went far deeper than that. And there was no delicate way to put a bit of slap and tickle. “Fine. I was the one who said details later, so I'll stick to that. But if you have any questions, I want to hear them before you tell me what a disgusting creep I am.”
“Oh sweetie, didn't you know disgusting creeps are my favorite creeps?” he teased.
“I'm being serious here, Tanner,” I growled.
“So am I. Just spit it out already,” he responded impatiently.
“Fine. Do you know what a Daddy Dom is?” It was hard to keep my eyes on the road rather than drifting to him.
Again, he didn’t answer right away, but then Tanner let out a bark of sardonic laughter. “Seriously, that's your big secret? As if anyone who knows you wouldn't be able to figure that out?”
“It's a fair question,” I insisted defensively. People who weren’t into kink tended to freak out the moment they heard the wordDaddy, as if it was something filthy and disgusting.
“Let's just say I am far from the innocent boy you walked out on years ago,” he informed me. “Why do you think I crushed on you so hard? From the first time I fell down the gay porn rabbit hole, I wanted to find me a hot, brooding guy who’d tell me what to do. The cuddles and other stuff are nice, but there’s something about knowing someone cares enough to put you in your place when you screw up. You radiate Daddy vibes, Ryan.”
“I didn't walk out,” I protested, trying to ignore the rest of what he’d said. “I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. You were seventeen. If I had tried to start that type of relationship with you, it would've just made things even worse.”
“Worse for who? Because the way I see it, the only people who matter are the people who are in the relationship, unless you plan on having a 24/7 thing, and even then, I know you well enough to know you'd never do anything outside of consensual spaces. You wouldn’t make someone call you Daddy or sit on your lap when you were in public, and you would wait until you got home to punish bad behavior. It's not your nature.” Fuck. He really did get it. My stomach flipped and I white-knuckled the steering wheel as I wondered where he’d learned so much. He pressed the palm of his free hand against his groin and licked his lips. His eyelids drooped, and I wanted to ask him what he was thinking about.
“You’re right,” I conceded. “But I wasn’t as clear-headed about things as you seem to be.”
“Yeah, well, when you have nothing but time and an active imagination, you learn stuff,” he stated flatly.
“Have you ever…been in that type of relationship before?” Just asking the question filled me with bitterness. I didn’t want the answer, but I needed to know what I was dealing with.
Tanner tucked his chin to his chest and shook his head, almost as if he was embarrassed by the fact he hadn’t. I bit back my pleased retort. “As it turns out, I have issues trusting people, and I’m not stupid enough to think there wouldn’t have to be some massive trust happening to give myself to someone like that. So, no, it’s stayed firmly in fantasy territory.”
I almost made a comment about how he could explore it with someone safe—me—if it was anything more than jerk-off fodder so he’d know what to look for in a Daddy to take care of him, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. It was painful to even think about Tanner being with someone who wasn't me.
