“Then it sounds to me like we need to make the best of the time we do have,” I responded confidently. I was certain he’d wake up and realize this was a horrible idea, but he needed to know I was game for a bit of holiday cheer if he was.
4
Ryan
I was aboutto make the biggest mistake of my life. A stronger man would tell Tanner that his brother’s wedding—my best friend’s wedding— was the wrong place and time for a fling. I’d spent enough time stalking Tanner over the years to know I was a weak, weak man when it came to him.
The last half of our drive to the resort wasn't nearly as painful as the first. I expected Tanner to push for us to have a no-strings-attached fling, but he seemed content to avoid the subject. We caught up the way any old friends would after a prolonged absence.
He asked me what I'd been up to out east and told me about his string of jobs. He claimed he was trying to find himself, but the longer he talked, the more it seemed like he was doing everything possible to shock and annoy his family more than follow his own dreams. I wondered if he ever slowed down long enough to know what he wanted out of life. I may have called him out on that if our time together wasn't limited.
Sleeping with him would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and yet, the only thing I feared more was getting on that plane without knowing how his lips tasted when they glistened with lip gloss or what he sounded like as he came.
I didn’t want the confused, hazy memory of the way he looked when he first woke up, I wanted that picture to be crystal clear. I wanted to know how he smelled when his body was warm and sweaty from sleeping curled in my arms. Tanner Fincham was an obsession and being near him only made my body twitch with need.
But there was a lot Tanner didn't know about me. No one here knew about the piece of my life that was something I wasn't sure I could turn my back on, not even for a fling. If he was repulsed, I’d deprive myself because Tanner had always been my one who got away. A chance with him would be worth trying to live a vanilla life.
My secret was something I never had to bring up with previous partners. I tended to meet guys at the club whose tastes were similar to mine. And then, when there was a connection, we explored it beyond the boundaries of a single scene.
None of them had ever lasted long and I tried not to read too much into why that was. On the outside, they were all perfect. I gravitated toward men who were tall and slender with dark hair and dark eyes. Their outward appearance might be right but there was always something missing.
Now that I was so close to Tanner again, I knew there wasn't actually one particular thing that was missing, it was everything that made him special. They all shared traits with him, but they were nothing more than crude stand-ins for the man I knew I shouldn’t be with.
Tanner’s family got on his case for being flighty, but in reality, he was always paying attention, even when you thought he was a million miles away. His insecurity came out in the slump of his shoulders and the dullness in his eyes. Around them, he smiled, but it was as painted on as his makeup when he went out clubbing. He wore cockiness like a layer of protective armor, and it was enough to convince most people.
But when you dug deeper, you could see desperation and longing. He was my weakness, and I could only hope giving in wouldn't bring my world crashing to a halt. I didn't necessarily want to talk to Tanner about this, especially if we were only going to have a couple of days together but, at the same time, I wanted to know if it was something he'd be willing to indulge and explore.
I reached across the console, lacing my fingers with his. When he smiled at me, I lifted his hand to my mouth, kissing each of his fingers before placing our joined hands on my lap.
“I want to tell you something, but I need you to keep an open mind.” I held my breath, glancing at him out of the corner of my eyes as I tried to focus on the road in front of me. He nodded, but that wasn't enough. Not for something this important. God, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so vulnerable. “I need you to promise you won’t judge me.”
“If you're about to tell me where you have a pile of bodies buried, please don't,” he teased. “I don't want to be complicit in a crime.”
He smiled—complete with shimmering eyes—and the tension between us crumbled away. He'd always had a way of doing that. It was hard to be stressed out when Tanner was being a goofball. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't joke if you're trying to be serious.”
“No worries,” I assured him. “You always were the joker, weren't you? Your brother was so damn serious all the time. You balanced one another out well, even if you drove each other crazy.”
Tanner groaned. “Could we not talk about him right now? I was just starting to stop stressing about dealing with my family all weekend.”
“We aren’t going to be able to completely avoid the subject, but sure, we can hold off if that would make it easier on you,” I agreed. It wasn’t as easy for me to pretend we were just two guys taking off for a weekend vacation, but I didn’t want Tanner upset.
“Not easier, so much as whenever you mention him, I keep waiting for you to tell me we can’t do this,” he admitted, his voice cracking with ill-disguised anxiety.
“We shouldn't,” I pointed out. “But I'm pretty sure that ship already sailed. Don't you think?”
Tanner glanced down at my jeans, which had been tighter than usual ever since he suggested a fling. His tongue peeked out between his plump lips, licking from one corner to the other. The way he shivered when I groaned made me wonder if he was as innocent as I had imagined.
Seeing his reaction bolstered my confidence. “When I'm at home, I’m not the guy everyone here thinks I am.”
“I’m going to kick your ass if you tell me you’ve kept a wife and kids stashed away from us. I’m not that type of boy,” he quipped. If I hadn’t known he was a master of deflection, I would have been offended by the accusation that really wasn’t.
I narrowed my eyes and shook my head. If that was my big secret, people would be upset with me for not introducing them, but it wouldn’t create nearly the level of drama I worried about. I was supposed to be straight. Hell, I’d tried to be what was expected of me, but once I was away from the judgmental eyes of everyone who knew me, it was impossible to ignore any longer, and I wasn’t only talking about the fact I was gay.
I released his hand long enough to brush my fingers over his cheek. Now that it wasn't forbidden, I never wanted to stop touching him. “No, sweetheart. There's no wife and kids back east. No boyfriend, either,” I added before he could make another smart ass comment. “I am pathetically single lately, it seems.”
“Saying I’m happy about that would probably make me a dick, wouldn't it?”
I chuckled. “Perhaps, but if you are, then so am I for being relieved you’re not with anyone. I always wondered how it would feel when I eventually heard that you'd found a boyfriend. You deserve someone who will take care of you.”
