“This is different,” I insisted. My determination to be happy, despite my family’s judgment, was as strong as ever and I wasn’t looking for my big brother’s approval. “You and Deegan have been friends for a long time, and I need to know that you're going to be okay before I make things even worse.”
Ryan didn't say anything for a long minute. He pushed away from the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee before opening the fridge to get the orange juice for me. I didn't even realize wehadjuice.
“I might have done some online shopping before I got here last night. Maverick told me the two of you live off fast food and frozen pizza,” he explained, sensing my confusion over the sudden presence of actual food and drink in our kitchen. The crease in his brow grew deeper. “And we will be talking about that. I’m pretty sure I told you that you needed to start taking better care of yourself.”
“I try,” I insisted. “But you don't understand how expensive it is to eat healthy.”
“Then you tell me so I can help you out.” Fuuuuck, I wished we were back on the subject of my brother. I always felt like I was disappointing Ryan when I argued about him spending money on essentials for me, but I felt weak when I caved. I wasnotgoing to cave about this.
If Ryan wanted me to move in with him, he’d have to get used to my new steely backbone.
“That's not going to happen,” I protested. “I love you, but I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. That's not going to change no matter what.”
“You also need to learn what it means to have a partner who only wants the best for you.” His expression softened as he opened his arms to me. “I don't want to fight with you, Tanner. I'm sorry if you feel like I overstepped. I wasn't checking up on you, but Mav thought I should have a warning if I was going to be spending time here instead of getting a hotel room.”
“I suppose that makes sense.” I buried my face against Ryan’s neck, a bit embarrassed about my tantrum.
“Let’s eat and you can tell me why you’re so worried about how often I’m talking to Deegan,” Ryan suggested.
I quirked an eyebrow, silently calling him out for skirting around the truth. The two of them used to talk weekly, and now it had been over a month since he’d mentioned a conversation between them. And my darlingDaddyhad apparently forgotten that I was besties with his best friend’s wife, so I knew damn well the two of them were being stubborn asses and avoiding one another.
“From the very start, I told you I didn't want to come between the two of you,” I explained as I pushed the eggs around on my plate. I felt oddly vulnerable this morning. Having Ryan sitting across from me at the wobbly dining table made me realize just how miserable I was being apart from him. Part of me was starting to feel like Deegan was nothing more than a convenient excuse for me to not make the big, scary move.
“You haven’t,” Ryan insisted.
“Please, let me get this out,” I pleaded, holding up a hand to silence him. “You promised me what we’re doing wouldn't affect your friendship but it's obvious that it has. I'm not saying that you lied to me or anything like that, because I truly believe you had good intentions.”
“I get what you’re saying, but what does that have to do with you and me?” He wrapped his fingers around my wrist, stopping the clattering of my fork against my plate. “I don’t like seeing you upset, but it doesn’t make sense to me thatthisis what you’re dwelling on when we’re supposed to be spending time together.”
“Yeah, well, welcome to my brain,” I scoffed. “You'll probably think I’m being stupid, but I was thinking about how nice it was waking up with you again. And then I came out here and you were making breakfast, and it was like all of my dreams come true. I want that to be real life. But it would be easier for me to jump in with both feet if I didn't have to worry about my entire family blaming me for coming between the two of you.”
Breakfast wasn’t happening. He could punish me for it later, but there was no way I could eat now. I pushed back from the table and set my plate on the counter. I should scrape the eggs into the garbage, but he’d gone to the trouble to make them for me and that seemed disrespectful. I curled my fingers around the edge of the counter and hung my head. I knew I was talking in circles, but I couldn’t get my thoughts in order.
Ryan wrapped his arms around me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder. “Baby, I don't think that's stupid at all. It's sweet, actually. But you need to remember that Deegan isn't the one I'm in a relationship with. You're the man I love, and they'll have to get used to that at some point.”
“Again, that's something that's easier said than done. Let's say things fell apart between us…” Just thinking about an end to this had me feeling queasy. I shivered, and Ryan wrapped me tighter in his arms. “They’ll never let me live it down if the two of you still aren't talking.”
“This really bothers you, doesn't it?” I closed my eyes and relaxed into his embrace as Ryan started kissing the side of my neck. If I turned around and dropped to my knees, I could distract him from talking.
But no. It was time for me to show him I was capable of being a responsible adult. “Yeah, it does. Probably more than it should, but I can't help it. I want everything to work out for the best, which is somewhat weird for me. I know I talk a good game about not caring what other people think about me, but it would be a hell of a lot easier for me to follow you home if things were settled here.”
“Is that what's holding you back?”
I shrugged, not wanting to admit that the nights spent alone gave me far too much time coming up with the thousand and one excuses why moving to be with Ryan would be a bad idea.
“If it's this important to you that we make sure Deegan isn't pissed off at me for taking advantage of his baby brother, then let's get together with them,” he suggested, phone already in his hand. He quirked an eyebrow as if trying to call my bluff. I nodded for him to connect the call.
While he and Deegan chatted, I disappeared into the bedroom. This was a conversation that needed to be between just the two of them, and it wouldn't do my good mood any good if my brother started talking shit and trying to convince Ryan he could do better than me.
He totally could. Ryan was one hell of a catch who could have any man he set his sights on, but for some odd reason, he wanted me. Complications and all. Unless he woke up and realized he was settling, he was stuck with me.
The bedroom reeked of sex. Sleeping on the sheets he’d slept on sounded romantic, but they were crusty from the amount of cum he’d wrung from my body last night. I pulled off the sheets and tossed them toward the door before digging through the closest for a clean set. Once that was done, I figured I might as well make the bed. Ryan liked things organized and I liked making him proud. It seemed like a win-win for me to spend a bit of time tidying up.
When I worked up the courage to leave my room to see how things were going, it was completely, terrifyingly silent. There was always some sort of noise in the apartment, but now…nothing. I peered through the living room and found Ryan standing out on the balcony, leaning against the railing I was afraid would separate from the floor if we looked at it wrong. I debated going outside to warn him, but if he needed more privacy, I’d give it to him.
I was almost through with my shower when Ryan opened the door. “Damn, baby. Are you trying to melt off your skin in here?”
“As if,” I scoffed. “It only steams up like that because there’s no ventilation. The water heater in this place sucks.”
