“I should punish you for taking that without permission,” I teased, bending down so I could nip his ear. “Lucky for you, it was too fucking hot for me to think of a suitable punishment.”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Tanner curled his legs around mine and wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me on top of him. “Now, I think we need to take a nap because there’s not going to be much sleeping tonight.”
“Smart boy.” Tanner tightened his grip on me when I tried sliding to the mattress beside him. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I kissed his forehead. “I take it my boy has me right where he wants me?”
“Always.” Tanner sighed, and it wasn’t long before his breathing steadied, and he was asleep in my arms. I should have listened to his advice to nap while I could, but that would have meant time spent not trying to refresh my memory on all of the sounds he made as he slept or missing out on the way he twitched as he dreamed.
Sleep could come later.
15
Tanner
“How long areyou in town for?” I asked as Ryan pulled out the eggs and a loaf of bread. Last night had been better than any reunion I had fantasized about. I'd spent more time than I should’ve, thinking about what it would be like when I finally saw Ryan again, but never had I imagined the silly man would surprise me by flying out unannounced.
We hadn't done anything hardcore but that was okay. In a way, it made me feel like what we had was that much more real, as opposed to role playing our fantasies. Getting freaky in bed was great, but it was nothing compared to the tender way we had made love twice more before Ryan claimed he was too tired for a fourth round.
“That depends a lot on you,” he responded. I took the loaf of bread from him and started making toast while he worked on the eggs. I was ashamed to admit that even the most mundane tasks in the kitchen were above my skill level. Luckily, it seemed Ryan was right at home in my kitchen.
“I mean, when do you have to be back for work?” If I had my way, he'd never leave, but that wasn't feasible. Every time we talked, he was eager to tell me about the latest progress with the club renovations. He swore he had no plans of being hands-on with the business, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that changed down the line. It was probably killing him to not know what was going on.
“I talked to Jack and he agreed this is where I need to be for a little while.” Ryan stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. My body relaxed against his as he kissed his way along the back of my neck. “It's quite possible I've been a bit insufferable being away from you.”
“Same,” I admitted. “Mav has been threatening to kick me out if I keep snapping on him.”
“You mean to tell me my boy has a bit of an attitude when he doesn't get his way?” He chuckled and I turned to glare at him. “Come on, baby. You’ve never been the patient type. When you feel like you're missing out, you're like a toddler who missed naptime.”
“Well, this is your fault, too,” I accused, even though it was a lie. Almost weekly, Ryan offered to buy me a plane ticket to come out and see him, and every week, I refused.
I was starting to realize my stubbornness was hurting more than it was helping. And that was something I needed to figure out how to talk to him about before he left. I wasn't ready to uproot my life just yet, but I'd feel better if we had a plan in place to make that happen.
Look at me, being all adult and shit.
“How do you figure it's my fault?” Ryan released me, going back to his pan of eggs.
“You're the one who moved all the way across the country. If you were still close by, I could see you all the time.” In my head, it made perfect sense. When we were kids, I’d foolishly thought Ryan and Deegan would remain close, and I’d be stuck pining after him the way I had through my teen years. He’d never struck me as the type to spread his wings and fly.
“You still could,” Ryan pointed out. He turned off the heat and moved the pan of eggs to the back burner.
I swallowed hard when he leaned against the counter next to me. Despite wanting to talk to him about the distance between us, I felt my hackles rise when he broached the subject first.
“What's really holding you back? What do I need to do to make you see this isn't a flash in the pan for me? Because I'll do it. I'll do anything for you.” The inches between us felt like miles. He wasn’t holding me in his arms, kissing every inch of my body that was exposed and in reach. He was giving me space, trying to have an important conversation without hormones taking control.
I’d never doubted the lengths Ryan would go to for my happiness. Hearing him say the words out loud only made me feel even worse.
“I know it sounds cliché, but it's not you, it's totally me,” I muttered, paying far more attention than necessary to the toaster. If I looked at him, I’d see that I was hurting him, and then I’d fall to my knees, begging for him to take me home with him. I wanted to, but there were things that felt unresolved keeping me from giving in.
“Then talk to me,” he pleaded, reaching up to brush a finger over my cheek. “Tell me what's holding you back so we can get past it and really be together.”
I wasn't sure if Ryan would understand my hesitation. It had nothing to do with us as a couple anymore, and everything to do with the world around us.
“Have you talked to Deegan recently?” The fact it was difficult to say my brother’s name was a huge red flag for me. It was like the subject of their friendship was off-limits now that we were together, which was exactly what I had feared would happen.
Ryan averted his eyes and that was all the answer I needed. I'd been serious when I said I wouldn't be the reason a friendship that had lasted decades fell apart, and I meant it. “Is that what this is about?”
I nodded.
“What happened to the tough as nails boy who didn't give a damn what anybody else thought?”
