As he drifted off to sleep, I finally admitted to myself that this was simply the evolution of our relationship, not something strange to be afraid of.
* * *
Chase was sittingon the front porch playing with his toy cars when Matt and I pulled up to the curb. Jayden and his mom were busy working on planting shrubs along the front of the house. We were later than I had told them we'd be because I hadn't been able to bring myself to wake up Matty after he fell asleep.
Chase jumped up and ran across the yard. This was the first time we had seen him infulllittle mode. When we’d all gone to The Lodge, he’d been little, but to anyone who didn’t know what was going on, he’d have looked like your typical college kid dressed in comfy clothes. Today, there was no mistaking who he was. I tried to keep my eyes above his waist, but I was fascinated by the sight of his padded backside and the edges of a diaper peeking out from the waistband of his shorts.
Chase completely ignored me. His smile was beaming as he threw himself into Matty’s arms. Chase took his hand and started dragging him toward the house. Jayden looked up and waved before getting back to digging a hole.
“I thought you were never going to get here,” Chase complained. “Gen said we could help her make cookies, but she's going out tonight. I was starting to worry we wouldn't get to bake with her. You don't have to if you don't want, but it could be a lot of fun.”
“That sounds cool,” Matt replied. He stopped halfway up the stairs and turned to me. “I mean, if it's okay with you.”
“That's fine.” I shooed him toward the house. “I’ll see if I can take over helping Jayden so Gen can put you boys to work inside.”
Gen had no problem whatsoever leaving Jayden and me to do the heavy lifting. She quickly told us what she expected and where to find the rest of the plants—around the back of the house because that totally made sense—before ushering Chase and Matty inside where it was cooler. She said she wanted to spend some quality time withherboys. That was probably the most awkward moment of the day so far. It was strange to me to have her not only aware of their little states, but act like it was completely commonplace for Chase and Matty to be little.
“So, are you getting what you wanted out of today?” Jayden asked as we lugged the next batch of shrubs from the back of the house to the front.
“Yeah, I really think it's doing him a lot of good,” I admitted. “He was upset with me at first because he’s still trying to catch up, but as soon as we got to the park, it was like a switch flipped in him. I really need to pay closer attention and make sure I plan more times for him to let go.”
“And what aboutyou? Are you getting what you need?”
“That's not what this is about,” I argued. The only thing I needed was to feel like I was taking good care of Matt. As long as he was happy, I was doing my job and couldn’t ask for more.
“No, but there has to be something in it for you, too. Is there?”
“Yeah, I think there is. I wasn't sure at first, but the more I see Matty leaving the big world behind, the better it feels.” Jayden was the only person in my life who knew exactly how much I'd struggled with this new dynamic of our relationship. He was never judgmental when I expressed my reservations. He’d listen, make suggestions on how we could find compromises that worked for both of us, and had never told me anything I felt was wrong.
I expected him to continue grilling me, but he didn't. The two of us fell into a quiet rhythm. He marked off where the shrubs should go, I started digging, and then he went behind me and carefully planted each bush so the best-looking side faced out. As it turned out, a bit of manual labor was exactly what I needed in order to process how I was actually feeling about our morning.
I hadn't been lying when I told Jayden I was getting exactly what I needed out of my relationship with that. Second-guessing was something that was bound to happen, but I wasn't filled with the same anxiety and insecurity I had felt before. I still had a lot of work to do before I felt confident that I could be what Matt needed but we were slowly getting there.
Every once in a while, the sound of Chase and Matt laughing with Jayden's mom filtered through the house. I paused, leaning on my shovel, trying to remember the last time I had heard such carefree laughter from my boyfriend. The school year hadn't been easy on him, even before he got sick. He was determined to do right by his mom, even though he struggled. He wanted her to be proud of him so she wouldn't feel like she had wasted her money on his education.
Someday, I hoped he understood how proud all of us were of the effort he put in. And hopefully, now that he had me to force him to take time out and relax, he'd have an easier go of the rest of this year and beyond.
The storm door slammed against the front of the house as Chase and Matt rushed outside.
“Gen says it's time for you to take a break,” they informed us in unison.
“We made cookies and brownies, and Gen taught us her secret recipe for lemonade because she said it's hot out and you’ve been working too hard,” Matty explained. I braced myself, thinking he was going to jump into my arms, but he stopped short and wrinkled his nose. He gave my body a slow, down up glance and licked his lips. “You’re all sweaty.”
I stifled a laugh as well as a sarcastic retort about how I was well aware of how hard Jayden and I had been working. I wasn’t used to this strange in-between place it felt like Matt was at in his head. He was still acting like my boy, but there was definite heat behind his gaze.
“Don't overthink things,” Jayden whispered as he stepped closer. “Let him take the lead and remember this is new for him, too. If he’s done being little, you need to let him.”
I nodded, letting him know I heard him. If Matt was done being little for the day, I wasn't about to force him to stay in that headspace. As long as he wasn’t stressed out, I’d take time with Matt however I could get it.
Secretly, I hoped he was okay for at least a little bit longer because I really wanted to see him and Chase playing in the living room. Jayden and I had this whole weekend planned out, from cookies and playtime, to baths and a movie before bedtime, and a sleepover on the living room floor tonight. It was going to be perfect, but plans would have to change if Matt wanted to be big again.
20
Matt
Gen was the best. She let me have three cookiesandshe gave me a sippy cup of my very own. It wasn't just any sippy cup, either. Mine had monkeys hanging out all over it. After snack time, she filled both of our cups and told us we could take them into the living room.
“You like monkeys too?” I asked Chase as he opened the lid of the window seat. He had so many toys I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to play with blocks because I loved building stuff, but then I saw the Lincoln Logs. I hadn’t played with those since my grandparents sold the house they had when I was born. I’d been sad when we helped them unpack at their condo and realized they’d gotten rid of them.
