As Chase pulled out a box of car track pieces, I thought it was neat that they didn’t have to hide his little stuff when they came here for the weekends. If it wouldn’t be rude, I would have asked if it would be okay for us to come home with them instead of staying at the suite because Chase had a ton of cool toys.
“No, that's your cup for when you come visit us,” he explained. “Gen’s really cool. She was asking us all sorts of questions about you last weekend and I guess she went shopping during the week.”
“But why would she do that?” It was nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that we had friends who knew about us; having a parent know was almost too much for my brain to handle.
Chase dumped out the box of track pieces and started clicking them together. He handed a few switch tracks to me and I got to work. There were so many plastic tracks, we had to add the speed launcher halfway between the coffee table and the fireplace.
“She's really big into making sure everybody knows they’re awesome just the way they are.” He picked up the remote and started scrolling through the DVR, trying to find something to watch. I noticed right away that every show was animated. That was awesome. This was the best house ever. “She goes overboard sometimes, but only because she wants all of her boys to be happy. And don't you dare try to tell her you're not one of her boys. You are now, whether you like it or not.”
“I like it very much.” I smiled and cradled my new cup in both hands. “Especially if it means more cookies.”
“No more cookies, Matthew.” I shivered at the bossy tone in Daddy's voice. I couldn't even be mad that he was telling me I couldn't have more treats. He only did it because he loved me a whole lot.
“I know,” I hollered back. Ireallywanted more cookies, but I knew I’d have an upset stomach if I snuck into the kitchen. And probably a sore backside, too, if Daddy caught me.
I looked in the window seat and pulled out his car garage. I’d always wanted one like this, but Mom said they were too expensive. Before long, he was building while I drove cars up the ramp and started parking them. The big trucks all had to go on the top, the sleek race cars on the bottom. I batted Chase’s hand away when he tried helping me. He was doing it all wrong and messing up the system.
Jayden came down the stairs a while later and handed Chase his stuffed Pikachu and a blanket. “Time to clean up, Ash.”
I wondered if Chase wanted us to use his little name when he wasn’t big. Until he told me otherwise, I wasn’t going to because that seemed like something personal between him and Jayden. It didn’t bug me when they called me Matty because that was a normal nickname for me, but Chase’s was special and picked out for him by his Daddy.
“Can we keep it out for later?” Chase asked as he started rubbing his eyes. I took the hand he held out for me and followed him to the couch. Once I was off the floor, I felt a shift in my head. Playing with the toys was fun, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it again later.
Daddy pulled my blankie out of the backpack and held it out for me. My hands shook as I took it from him. Even though I didn't have to worry about Jayden and Chase judging me, I still worried that I would do or say the wrong thing. I wasn't little the same way Chase was. And it made me sad that I felt like I was fighting to stay little.
Chase patted the cushion next to him. I couldn’t find the words to ask Brandon if it was okay for me to be big again. Chase looked sad that I was standing there like a dummy, so I flopped onto the couch. As soon as I did, he curled up with his head on my shoulder. “Daddy says I need to take a rest. Will you watch cartoons with me?”
“Sure, but I already took a nap,” I told him. No way was I going to take another one. I had a massive case of the wiggles. I didn’t want to stay inside and be quiet; I wanted todo something. But I didn’t know how to say that to Brandon because I didn’t want him second-guessing his plans for the weekend.
I scooted around, trying to get comfortable. More than once, I let out a loud sigh because I was being a bad friend to Chase. This was supposed to be a fun day for us.
“It's okay, sometimes we just need a little quiet time. You know, we could do this at school sometimes, too, if you needed to get away during the week.” I liked the way he phrased that. For me, little time was a chance to forget about all the stress of school, knowing I had a Daddy who would look after me.
One thing I learned today was I needed to do a better job about asking for what I needed. I knew Brandon carried a lot of guilt for not paying closer attention, but the fault was mine. I’d gotten so used to never asking for anything that I wasn't very good at admitting when I needed help.
My discontent worsened as I cuddled with Chase on the couch. He was sucking on his binkie and giggling at the TV. A few times, he looked up at me and his brow furrowed but he never asked if I was okay. I was glad for that because all I kept thinking was that everyone was going to be mad at me for ruining the littles weekend.
“You can go if you need to,” Chase mumbled.
Was I that obvious?
I waited a few more minutes before getting up. I carefully folded my blanket and put it on top of the backpack. I might need it again later, but probably not.
Jayden and Matt were outside, trying to finish up the plantings before the storms rolled in. With three of us working, we could definitely get everything done. The transformation at the front of the house was amazing. When we got here, it was all empty flower beds, but now, it looked so nice, professionals could have done the job.
“Is there anything I can help with?” Without waiting for a response, I picked up a shovel and started digging next to Brandon.
“You good?” He eyed me warily.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m a lot better than I was earlier. Thank you for pushing me to take a break.”
“Any time. Do you want to watch some more cartoons while we finish up? There’s no point in all of us getting dirty when we’re close to the end.” I know he didn’t mean it that way, but it felt like a dismissal. It was awkward trying to figure out how to make sure Brandon knew that I was Matt, his boyfriend, not Matty, his boy.
For someone who tried saying he was crap at being a Daddy, Jayden was scary good at reading people. He watched the two of us for a few seconds, then said, “Hey Matt. You want to go grab each of us a hard cider out of the fridge? We’re just about finished, but something cold wouldn’t hurt.”
“Yeah, cool.” It was that easy. I didn't have to say anything because even our friends could tell where my head was. Jayden was like our fairy kinkfather, helping guide the way.
Jayden and Brandon set down their shovels when I came out with three bottles dangling between my fingers. Jayden took one of the chairs and motioned for the two of us to share the swing. Brandon sat first, draping his arm over the back of the swing. As soon as I sat down, he pulled me against his side.
