19
Brandon
A day at the park wound up being exactly what both Matt and I needed. For him, it was about figuring out that it was okay to be himself around me, whether he was big or little. And for me, it was about reaffirming my commitment to always give him what he needed. By the time I laid out a blanket at the edge of the sand, Matt was peaceful and relaxed. I laid on my stomach reading a book while he used the toys I had brought for him. I spent less than five dollars on a bunch of cheap plastic sandbox toys, but the way his eyes sparkled when he opened my backpack and saw them made me feel like a king.
I snapped a few pictures with my phone as he concentrated on getting just the right mixture of sand and water so he could sculpt the buildings of his little sand city. I couldn’t even be upset when he dug a hole in the sand and dumped the bottle of water I’d given him into it, so he could keep working. I just shook my head and ran back to the car for another bottle. He smiled up at me when I handed it over, then got lost in play time.
His tongue peeked out of the corner of his mouth as he finished one of the buildings. His hand slipped and everything crumbled back to grains of sand in a pile. My heart ached when he looked over to see if I’d noticed. I rushed to his side, fearful that he would start crying. “It’s okay, baby. You can rebuild it again later.”
Matty shook his head. “No, it’s wrecked. But it’s okay. We can’t stay here forever, and it would be gone when it rains anyway.”
“You’re absolutely right. That’s a very mature way to think of it,” I praised him. “Come on. Let's get you some lunch.”
His lip curled as he looked at his hands. He held them out for me to see. “I can't eat like this. I'm all messy.”
I stood and brushed leaves and blades of grass off my jeans before holding out a hand to help him off the ground. I gently flicked his nose. “Then it’s a good thing Daddies come prepared.”
I pulled a pack of wipes out of the backpack. Jayden had given me a list of stuff I might want to keep with me whenever Matty and I went out, just in case he regressed unexpectedly. At the time, I’d thought it would be unnecessary, but seeing how easily Matty slipped into his little space, it was definitely something we were going to need to take into consideration in the future. I pulled two wipes out of the package. “Come here and let Daddy clean you up.”
Matty dropped to his knees in front of me, holding out his hands so I could clean them up. I wiped each finger, then his palms. When I was done, I lifted one hand to my mouth and pretended to nibble on him. I scrunched up my nose and shook my head. “Matty isn’t a very good lunch.”
“That’s because you’re not supposed to eatme,” he scolded me as he rolled his eyes. I held my breath, waiting for a lewd comment about the ways itwasacceptable to eat my boy, but none came. He was firmly in little space.
Good. He needed that.
“Hmm, I wonder if we have something else we could have for lunch,” I mused as I unzipped the backpack he’d been carrying. He beamed at me when I handed him a peanut butter sandwich. Clapped when I revealed a little bag of fish-shaped cheese crackers. It was a horrible picnic lunch by my standards, but Jayden had been right; this wasexactlythe lunch Matty needed for his little day.
I patted the ground between my legs. Matty pressed his back to my chest and shoved a quarter of the sandwich into his mouth in one huge bite. With that much bread and peanut butter stuffed in there, it was hard to decipher what he said when he turned to face me. He held up a finger, then swallowed hard.
“Maybe you shouldn’t take such big bites,” I chastised him. He shrugged and smiled when I handed over his cup. He loved that damned cup, and it was sort of growing on me.
He held it in both hands and leaned back as he sipped away at his juice until he was finally able to swallow the huge bite he'd taken. He flipped around and sat on his knees so he was facing me. “This is the best day ever. Thank you for bringing me out to play.”
“Does that mean you're ready to admit Daddy was right and you've been working too hard?” Matt nodded. I tangled my fingers in his hair and pulled his mouth to mine. “From now on, when you try to do too much, I promise I’ll step in sooner.”
“But I should know how to pace myself,” Matt protested.
“True, but lucky for you, you have a Daddy who is supposed to do those things for you. I'm just sorry I didn't this time.”
Matt cupped my cheek and pressed our foreheads together. “It's okay, Daddy. We’re both learning.”
Wasn't that the truth. There were still times I wondered if I could deal with whatever Matt threw my way, but it was moments like these that reassured me we’d find a way through just about anything.
Matty shuffled his way closer and settled between my legs, his back against my chest. We took our time eating lunch. He’d offer me his crackers and I’d pretend to nibble on his fingers. When I cracked open a soda for myself, Matty held out his sippy cup to me.
“Nice try, baby.” I chuckled and handed the cup back to him. “Soda’s for Daddies, not boys who need to take their naps soon.”
“But I’m not even tired,” Matty whined. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest and pouted. It didn’t have the intended effect, especially when I felt his back arch as he stifled a yawn. He hummed as I combed my fingers through his hair and his body grew heavy against mine. If we didn’t have places to be, I would have urged him to fall asleep on the blanket while I read a bit more of my book.
“I know I need to go home and finish my homework, but I really don't want to,” Matt said. He scooted down a bit lower and rested his head on my shoulder. “I wish we could stay out here all day.”
“I don't want you worrying about anything today,” I told him. “After lunch, we’re going to head back to Annandale. Jayden and Chase invited us over to Gen's house for a sleepover. Tomorrow morning, you can finish up your assignment and then we’re going to play some more so you’re well-rested for another week of classes. I have your books and your laptop in the car.”
“Okay.” Matt sighed, releasing the last of the tension he'd been holding. “I know you worry about being a good Daddy for me, but you really are the best. Thank you for making me relax even when I don’t think I can.”
“You're welcome, baby.” I kissed the side of his head as I wrapped my arms tightly around his chest.
We needed to get going, but a couple more minutes couldn't hurt. I hadn’t seen Matty this calm in months and I didn’t want him to feel like we were hurrying from one place to another. It surprised me when I started gently rocking back and forth like I was trying to urge him to sleep. His body went slack in my arms and I had to let him go so I could hold myself upright.
