As much as making him wait might be the smart choice, I decided it wasn’t the right choice. Not this time. I pulled him back, smiling at the stunned expression on his face. My lips brushed slowly over his. A simple display of how much he meant to me. A silent promise to both of us that it’d all be okay. “I won’t be long.”
I walked into the living room a few minutes later to see him sitting to one end of the couch, shoulders drooping forward, head hung and eyes fixed to the ground. If he’d heard me come in, he didn’t show it. Rather than sitting to the opposite end of the couch as I’d done so many times since we’d met, I sat next to him, close enough that our legs brushed against one another.
That got his attention. Still not looking up at me, I saw the corner of his mouth lift slightly into a shy grin. He reached out and placed his hand on my knee, and I promptly covered his hand with my own.
We sat in the silence while I figured out what it was I needed to say to him. This was my last chance and I had to get it right. I wondered if he could feel how sweaty my palms were getting, or if he’d noticed the way my right knee bounced nearly uncontrollably. I tried to think of the last time I’d been this nervous. Even admitting I’d had thoughts of Dax that went beyond friendship wasn’t this hard for me. This time, I was laying my entire hand out on the table for him to see.
“First, you need to know that the other night was amazing,” I reassured him. It felt strange to be talking about something so intimate in the living room with the curtains open and people going about their business in the late-afternoon sun. “It wasn’t at all what I’d expected, but it was something I’ll never forget. And I don’t regret it, not for a minute.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” Dax muttered under his breath. I squeezed his hand to remind him that I was right there next to him, that I hadn’t run away, even though it seemed as if I had.
“Okay, I had that coming.” I wasn’t going to scold him for his outburst because I probably would’ve done the same if I’d been on the other hand. “I don’t regret it, but I do regret how I handled everything that came after.
“Once you left, I had nothing better to do than sit and think about my life,” I continued. “Not only about what we’d done and how I felt about you, but how it was going to change everything. My hope is that Jagger won’t care, but he might. Ever since Erica died, he’s asked me when he’ll get a mommy again. I’ve been careful to make sure he always knows no one will ever replace her, but the truth is, after you left that day, I pictured you filling the void in both of our lives that we’ve felt since that day. And then I remembered how earlier this week, you were laughing about how we were already an old, married couple, even without the sex.”
God, it was hard to believe it’d only been a few days ago. It seemed like so much longer had passed since the night he admitted to me that he was gay. And he told me that we needed to go slow. It seemed neither of us were good at not jumping in with both feet.
“And you were right. We are that couple. Even before I admitted what I was feeling, you were the person I wanted to see every day. You were the one I thought of when Jagger did something silly and I wanted to share that. You were the one who put a smile on my face, even when I’d forgotten how to be happy.” I turned to face him. He shifted as well so his leg was over mine on the couch. I took both of his hands in my own, and took a deep breath.
“It’s no secret that I’m not big on love or romance,” I continued, still questioning my sanity, but allowing my mother’s words to bolster my courage. “In the past, it’s been something I tried to feel because everyone said it was what I should. And now, I know I’ve never felt it before, because nothing has come close to how I feel about you.”
“Don’t.” Dax’s voice cracked on the single word. He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand and looked directly into my eyes. “I don’t need a proclamation of your undying love and devotion. If you thought I did, I’m sorry. I pushed you harder and faster than I should have, and that’s something I have to live with.”
I silenced him with another kiss. This time, I didn’t simply brush my lips against his, I pressed our mouths together hard in an effort to keep him from jumping to more conclusions. When I pulled away, he stared at me, speechless.
“That’s better,” I teased. I ran the back of my fingers along his jaw, loving the way his stubble felt against my skin. “Yes, things have definitely progressed faster than either of us anticipated, but I think that’s because doing this, being us, is simply an extension of what we were already doing. It’s a natural progression. What shut me up and had me pushing you away was that it almost felt too right. I’d heard Erica’s friends talk about how they felt when they met the guy they were sure was ‘the one,’ and I always rolled my eyes as I left the room. I thought they were being melodramatic, because there was no way you could feel that strongly about someone you’d just met.
“But now, I get it. The ache I felt in my chest after you left for work was a physical pain. And that made me question how I’d felt about the mother of my child,” I admitted to him. “And that’s when I really lost my shit. Even though I’ve always had these doubts in the back of my mind about whether or not we’d made a huge mistake by getting married just because she was pregnant, it still felt like a betrayal to her to minimize what we’d shared.”
Dax wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest. His fingers played with the curls at the nape of my neck, which were entirely too long at this point. “You can’t change the way you feel,” he whispered against my hair. “And I’ll never ask you to deny her any more than I’d allow you to deny what you feel for me. You can’t compare the two because we’re different people.”
“I know that. But it doesn’t make any of this easier on me,” I told him. I wasn’t sure if he understood me, as I’d buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck. I wanted to stay there, with my eyes clenched shut, but I needed to look at him as I finished what I had to say. “I needed time alone because I had to let her go. I had to come to terms with the fact that I will always love her in some way, but I’m worthy of feeling the way I do about you. Because though I feel stupid even thinking it, I know I’m falling for you, deeper and harder than I ever have in my life. And when I’m not terrified, I can admit that feels really damn good.”
“Wow.” Dax’s mouth gaped like a fish out of water. He blinked hard a few times, but still never gave more than that one word in response. I feared I’d made yet another huge mistake until he shifted his body, pulling me down on top of him.
His fingers dug into the back of my neck as he yanked my head down to his. I could feel the bulge in his jeans as one hand cupped my ass, pressing me down onto him. When his mouth opened to mine, a shiver shot through my body. This was all moving at lightning speed, but I’d be a fool to deny how much I missed the taste of him in my mouth. The unique combination of fruit and mint from his gum mixed with everything that was just him. The feeling of his firm tongue pressing deeper into my mouth, consuming me.
I reached between our bodies and tried to unbutton his jeans. I was tired of there being anything between us. I wanted skin against skin, his heat imprinted on my mind when I had to get up and leave. The security of knowing I hadn’t lost any chance of being with him. And then the alarm on my phone sounded, letting me know it was time to go to work.
“Wait for me,” I begged between kisses. “I don’t want you to go home. I want you to stay here so we can talk more tonight.”
“Okay,” he agreed. “I told you before, I’m willing to do this however you need me to, as long as you don’t run away.”
“I won’t,” I promised him. “Never again.”
