No way was I going to tell her that I’d had my first blow job from a guy, at the bar of all places, and the most amazing sex ever. “It’s not so much a change of heart as it is a lot to take in. I really like him, but I’m worried that he’ll decide it’s too much to be with me and Jagger. And I probably screwed it all up anyway, because I’ve been withdrawn while I tried to figure out if the risk is worth it.”
Mom held her hand to her chest. “Oh, honey. Did he say or do something to imply that’s how he felt? Because I have to tell you, that’s not the impression I get from how he’s acted so far.”
“No, nothing like that,” I admitted to her. This was likely the point where she told me it was all in my head. That I was keeping myself from being happy. And I wouldn’t be able to dispute that, because I’d been telling myself the same thing for the past day. But it wasn’t what she thought. The root cause wasn’t what any of them thought.
“Then give him a chance. The worst that happens is you figure out that you deserve to be happy and you both move on if this thing with him doesn’t work out. And if he’s upset with you, he has every right. You need to learn how to talk to him. Given your track record, could you blame him if he thought you’d changed your mind?” Hearing her say it, everything sounded so simple. But it wasn’t. Not when I’d already had a near-death experience with him, which she might never know about, as well as losing the one person I’d loved and shared my bed with. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d have to suffer the pain of losing him again, but this time he wouldn’t be some nameless stranger haunting my dreams.
Jagger raced into the house a few minutes later to show me the birdhouse that he and Papa had made. “He said I can paint it how I want. Isn’t that cool?” He shoved the wooden structure in my face and I backed away before I wound up with a broken nose. “I’m going to make it white and black, that way it’ll match Dax’s house. I think he’d like it. He doesn’t have any decorations outside of his house. Do you think that’s a good idea?”
Hearing how excited he was about the idea of gifting something he’d made to Dax, I shot my mother a look as if to say,And what about him? What happens to Jagger when it doesn’t work out?Sensing my thoughts, Mom shook her head and excused herself from the table.
While Jagger and I talked, she started working on dinner. The only sign of how upset she was came in the form of pots hitting the surface of the stove with more force than usual. Well, that and the muttering about what a stubborn, thick boy I was.
Rather than hang around and continue to sour their mood, I kissed the top of Jagger’s head, gave Mom a kiss on the cheek, and called out to Dad to let him know I’d be by in the morning. It’d been almost a month since I’d spent Saturday with them and I was trying to look forward to getting life back to normal, whatever that was.
As he’d asked, I sent Dax a text as I walked to my car, letting him know I’d be home in five minutes. When I pulled into the driveway, he was already sitting on the front steps waiting for me. He looked as tired as I felt. I could hear bits and pieces of the phone conversation he was wrapped up in, and it stung to know he hadn’t hung up with whoever it was when he saw that I was there.
“Sounds good. If you’re leaving that early, I may not be home yet, but you know where the key is,” he said to the person on the other end of the line. I literally bit down on my tongue to keep from giving him the third degree about who he was inviting into his home even if he wasn’t there. Call me naïve, but I liked our little bubble where I was the only person he was close enough to to allow them into his space.
I jerked my head to the side as I passed him to let him know I would be waiting inside. I hadn’t felt this unbalanced having him so close since those early days when I was sure he was just another asshole waiting to tell me what a bad parent I was. Now, I was waiting on him to lay into me and tell me I was shit as a boyfriend. If that’s even how he saw me.
I avoided the temptation to sit on the chair by the open front window so I could eavesdrop on the end of his conversation. Instead, I made myself busy by getting changed and ready for work, the entire time thinking about what I’d do to Kerri if she dared to call out again. I wasn’t in the mood to take the closing shift and I was more than due for the early out.
“Hey, sorry about that,” Dax apologized when he walked into the bedroom. “I called my buddy about some stuff and he said he’s going to come down in a few weeks to visit.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” A million questions raced through my mind, but I wasn’t going to show Dax how jealous I was by asking any of them. Besides, if we couldn’t get past the next hour, there was no need for me to know about something that was going to happen at the end of the month. “You know that’s the weekend they do the big festival, right?”
Honestly, that might’ve been giving Heartland Days too much credit. It was more just a beer tent, free tours of the historic district, a craft fair, and a few other activities. But it was our town’s official last hurrah before fall settled in and harvest began. I’d never been a huge fan, but still, somehow we ended up there every year.
“Yeah, he was going to come next weekend, but I was the one who suggested he wait,” Dax admitted. “He’s still trying to figure out why I like it out here, and I figured it’d be easier to show him that people in this town aren’t all backwoods hicks when there’s something going on to keep him entertained.”
“Gee, good to know you think so highly of us.” I knew people from other places didn’t understand why anyone would want to live this far out in the state. The towns were spread far apart and there was relatively little to do. When I’d been at college, I’d been teased mercilessly by well-meaning friends wanting to “introduce me” to technological advancements like movie theaters, malls, and whatever else they tried to imply we lived without in the boonies.
Hell, I used to be one of those people. I couldn’t understand why anyone would live in this town a day longer than they absolutely had to. But, I’d put up with the long drives to and from school every day when Erica pointed out that it was possible for us to live close to her folks and still commute to school. I’d given up on offers to attend much larger, more prestigious schools because it made her happy. And making people happy meant that my life was easier. Maybe not as fulfilling as I’d have liked, but it freed my mind to focus on what I really wanted.
I’d resented her for a long time, even after her death, because now I felt trapped here. I couldn’t tear Jagger away from her parents and I couldn’t get by without the help from my own family. And I couldn’t justify the amount of time I’d have been away from him to complete my schooling and residency, which meant I’d quit. Everything in my life seemed to have come down to a laundry list of the things Icouldn’tdo. Mom was right. I’d allowed everything that’d happened to drag me under.
“Sorry, don’t mind me,” I apologized. “Give me a minute and I’ll meet you out in the living room. I’d offer you something to eat, but I’m afraid I don’t have much right now.”
“Believe it or not, I don’t come over here for the free food,” Dax teased.
I knew he was trying to erase the tension. Rather than allow my nerves to exacerbate the problem, I looked over my shoulder with what I hoped was my best seductive gaze. “Yeah, I know. You also come over so you can get your daily dose of eye candy.”
The resulting laugh could have been a sign that my own attempt to be playful had faltered, but there was no denying the heated look in Dax’s eyes. He took three long strides across the room until he was directly in front of me.
“What do you want from me?” he pleaded. I tried to place my hand on his hip but he pushed my arm away. “Seriously, Michael. I like you. Probably more than I should. But I can’t do this hot and cold game with you. I get that it’s a huge change for you and I’ve told you every way I can that I’m willing to give you time, but I don’t play games. I can’t deal with having an amazing night with you, only to have you freak out and go silent on me.”
“I know. That wasn’t fair of me,” I admitted. I reached up and scrubbed the back of my neck. “And that’s what I wanted to explain to you. I did freak out a bit, but I don’t think it’s for the reason you’ve built up in your mind. As my mother pointed out, I have a shitty track record, but this time, I wasn’t trying to push you away.”
I couldn’t think straight with him so close to me. I wanted to put off talking in favor of shoving him down on the bed and showing him exactly how much I hadn’t changed my mind. But we’d done that before, and it hadn’t turned out well. Now, it was time to grow up and face him. Face everything I’d tried to ignore for too long.
I gently shoved him out of the room so I could finish getting ready. “Go wait for me in the other room,” I urged him. “Before I do something I really want but shouldn’t.”
“You’re allowed to want whatever you want,” he reminded me. “It’s just us here. Remember that.”
I pushed on his shoulders harder this time. “Okay, lesson one. I’m not good at getting the words in my head to come out the way I mean them all the time. I get what you’re saying, but what I meant is that we shouldn’t fool around. Not right now. It wouldn’t be fair to you until you hear what I have to say.”
“Okay, I’ll wait for you.” His voice was flatter than normal, filled with anticipated rejection. I was making an even bigger mess of this than I’d expected to.
