At any point he could rat me out. He could tell Maggie everything. Though that would result in what needs to happen—her and I breaking up—I don’t want there to be a scene. Not here with all these people. I don’t want to hurt her either.
“Oh, look! The Ferris wheel!” Maggie says, tugging on my arm. “Will you come with me?”
The excitement in her eyes is too much to say no to.
“Sure.”
Maggie squeals, leans up on her tiptoes to kiss my jaw, and then hurries us along toward the ride. I feel Alex’s gaze burning holes in the side of my head the entire way there.
Thankfully, it’s a small ride, and there are only two people to a cart. I hate these rides. They’re all death traps, but I’ll risk it to get a break from Alex. I swear I can feel the heat of his anger even from here, with him below me in the other cart.
Though I know he’s not happy, he’s putting on a good show. His date is perfectly happy and can’t tell that there’s a single thing wrong with him. He’s still smiling, goofing off, and being charming as hell. I don’t know how he does it, which pisses me off and makes me feel guilty. I asked him if he was okay with this and he said yes.
I warned him aboutallof this. I told him I couldn’t just upend my life to be with him. He knows that. Hefucking knows.Yet, he’s upset, and I hate that, too. I don’t like seeing him upset, knowing I’m the cause, but I fucking warned him. He agreed, so this is on him.
When the ride is done, we get off and wait to the side for Alex and Kearstin to meet us. The small break from him did nothing to fix this problem, and when he meets my gaze, I nearly die. How does no one else see how sad his eyes actually are? How am I the only one in the world who can see past his facade?
We hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, everything around us ceasing to exist. The crowd, the noise, the rides… all of it just stops as I hear what he isn’t saying.
Why are you doing this?
Why do things have to be like this?
I wish I knew, Alex. I really wish I knew.
“Let’s get food,” Maggie says excitedly, pulling me from my stolen moment with Alex.
She leads us to a food truck with tacos and alcohol. We all get a tequila drink and food, but I get the biggest drink they’ll let me and only one taco because I don’t even like them. Though, Maggie doesn’t know that because I’ve never told her. She loves tacos, and I wanted to see her happy, and so I ate them.
Through the thousands of people at this carnival, we manage to find a table that isn’t covered in popcorn, spilled drinks, and ketchup. I scarf down my taco in two bites, then start sipping on my drink, ready for it to kick in.
“What about you, Jordan?”
“Hm?” I look up, noting they’re all staring at me.
“Marriage,” Kearstin says. “You think you’ll pull the trigger some day?”
I catch Alex’s gaze before he ignores me for his churro that is too covered in chocolate syrup and strawberries to be considered fried anymore.
“Uh…” I clear my throat, taking another mouthful of my drink as I glance at Maggie who is smiling brightly, then at Alex who looks like he’s about to explode. “I, uh—”
“Jordan and I have talked about marriage,” Maggie says, hooking her arm around mine. “Kids too. We want it someday, just not today. Isn’t that right, honey?”
I blink a few times, my gaze on Alex when I say. “Yeah, that’s right.”
I keep waiting for him to lose his shit, and part of me wonders if this will be it.
Only he doesn’t. His body is stiffer than a statue, and I’m not sure he didn’t just have a stroke.
“Awww….” Kearstin smiles. “Kids are the best. That’s why I became a teacher. I can’t wait to have my own some day.” She smiles thoughtfully, grabbing a nacho from her bowl. “But right now, I’m just enjoying being single for a while, like Alex.”
Alex drains the rest of his drink before tearing into his churro.
“We are going to have the cutest babies,” Maggie adds. “Three boys, all like Jordan. Strong and tall and into sports.” She laughs like it’s the best idea in the world.
I don’t remember ever having that conversation with her, but she isn’t a liar, so maybe I did one day. Maybe I said it to appease her. How the fuck do I get myself in these positions?
Maggie finishes her drink, dropping it onto the empty tray, and her arm tightens around mine as I work on my drink and stare down at the few pieces of lettuce that fell from my taco. My chest feels tight and this drink tastes bitter as hell.
