Adaline doesn't owe me anything, especially after how I've treated her…but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
My mother is gonna hate me, rightfully so. She'll hold the same contempt for me as she does my father. I promised her, I was there for her and I vowed to be just like her…not like him. She'll hate me.Hate me. Hate me. Hate me.
Ihate me.
She sighs and I swear I can hear a tremble in her tone. “You're right. I'm so sorry, I am. I just, I like—” she stops herself mid-sentence, flushing red. “I'm sorry.”
I feel lights and cameras. I feel a thousand eyes on me in this room right now even though no one is here. I've been stripped naked, my secrets laid bare, my pain laid bare. The shame I carry with me to every table I sit at is fighting hard to enter back into my body and it's agonizing.
I ignore her words, not even being able to hear what she's saying or trying to say. “I don't like girls…I can't like girls.” My tone is shaky; it won't take long for me to explode.
“Yes, you can, just because your father—”
“Don't fucking mention my father!” That's what it takes, the mention of my father is all it takes for tears to start falling freely.
It's painful. The hot tears tracing my face are painful, but not nearly as painful as the way Adaline is looking at me right now—with understanding, compassion, and everything we agreed we don't feel for each other; everything thatisn'thate.
“Okay,” she whispers gently.
She tries to walk closer to me, but I move backwards. How did this happen? From this morning to now? Why am I crying in front of the girl I hate and why don't I feel embarrassed?
I just want to melt into her arms; I want to be honest and be held as I sob into her arms while she consoles me, but I can't, because then I'm admitting to it…and I can't do that.
So, I do the thing I'm not usually that good at, I walk away.
Chapter THIRTY-TWO
A d a l i n e
Ican't sleep. I can't eat. Worst of all, I can't study; all because Juliette has been ignoring me for a whole week.
Juliette never ignores me. She might avoid me and then send her minions to do her dirty work, but she never downright ignores me. I've tried calling her, sending her messages, I've even been sending her emails for tutoring—like I did the last time she was angry at me.
I hope she's actually been studying the notes because regardless of our situation, I need that commendation letter.
Literally, anytime I try to speak to her at school, she disappears. Normally, I would revel in this; that I angered her, but this time is different.
The difference is that she is so very clearly hurt. I can't stop thinking about her face; the way she cried.
Every time I think about it, my heart clenches in response. I myself haven't cried since my brother was sentenced to prison when I was eleven.
I didn't even cry when my own father died; I'm just not an emotional person—or maybe I repress most of my emotions. So why did I feel myself almost on the verge of bawling when I saw her cry?
Maybe it's the guilt that had that effect. I never got to choose when I came out; I was viciously outed and I hated that my control was taken from me. So how could I do the same thing to Juliette? Even if circumstances are different and my friends objectively wouldn't tell anyone, that doesn't matter.
It was her secret to tell, even if she doesn't know it yet.
“Hey, are you okay?” Victoria’s voice snaps me out of my inner turmoil.
I'm currently in the school library—which is insanely gigantic. I'm studying with Aryan and Victoria for an upcoming math exam but really, I'm just thinking about Juliette.
I sigh and nod, but neither of them look convinced.
“What made you finally give in to this thing with Kai, besides getting over him being friends with Juliette?” I ask abruptly.
I mean I always thought Victoria was just like me when it came to feelings—that she repressed them and would never give Kai a chance. I am pleasantly surprised that they're dating, but I still want to know why—why now?
“That's a random question,” she says, furrowing her eyebrows and Aryan does the same, but I just shrug, prompting her to answer.
