“We agreed not to tell anyone!” I shout the words out and I don't miss the way she flinches, moving back almost instinctively.
I can't focus on that right now. I can't care about that right now; I'm too furious.
“I know,” her voice is dripping with guilt, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, but they won't tell anyone…I trust them.”
Trust them? I don't care! Oh my God, they know. Do they all sit there and laugh at me collectively? How could they not? I went from bullying Adaline to having sex with her. I bet they've told so many people.
Oh my God. I bet Victoria has told Kai. Does he sit there and laugh at me with her too?
“I don't trust them! Victoria is dating Kai, she's probably already told him.” I flail my hands around trying to make my point.
“She hasn't told Kai, I swear,” she says sincerely and I want to believe her.
Maybe I do, but that doesn't matter.
“Fuck you, Adaline,” I retort, anger dripping from my every word, but I can't help the crack that comes out of my voice.
My heart is beating so fast right now and anxiety is filling my every last vein. What if they go into school and tell everyone? I mean, it's warranted, isn't it? Like revenge for how I've treated Adaline.
It wouldn't take long for the word to spread to my mother. She would find out and hate me, I would be just like my father. She would disown me. How would she be able to love me again?
No. No. No. No—
“I'm sorry, I am. I know you're scared—”
“Scared? Why would I be scared?” I cut her off furiously, offended at her words.
This isn't fear. The pit in my stomach and the sweat on my neck isn't fear. It's anger. That's what it always is, I'm not capable of fear because fear makes you weak, it makes you vulnerable and you're only vulnerable if something is true, but this isn't true.
“Juliette …” she utters softly, her eyebrows pinched in concern and her eyes brimmed with what can only be described as…pity?
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
I don't want her gentle looks. I don't want her pity. I don't know what I want, all I know is that we agreed to something and she went against it. She needs to stop looking at me like that. It's making my chest coil and my knees heavy. I can't breathe when she looks at me like that.
“Like what?” She tries to mask the look, but she's not doing her best work today.
“Like you know something I don't,” I say defensively and the look is back again, stronger than ever.
She stays silent and I can't help the words that tumble out of my mouth next. “What? you think I like girls or something?” I ask suspiciously.
Her face says all that needs to be said, like she already knows in her mind, like she knows me better than I know myself.
“Juliette, we've had sex—”
“That doesn't mean I like girls. You are the only girl I'm attracted to,” I retort, my breathing getting heavier and my tone more defensive.
I can't like girls. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
“No, I'm not and that's okay,” she says, I've never heard her speak so softly before.
“Don't fucking patronize me!” I retort, pointing a finger in her face. “Even if I did like girls, it wouldn't be okay for you to tell anyone, it would bemything to tell.”
I don't like girls. I don't, so I'm not sure why I'm so angry. She should know though. Of all people she should know that you don't tell people things like this.
She felt it, didn't she? When she was outed by that Neanderthal when we were twelve and everyone knew she liked girls?
Yeah, and what did you do Juliette? Did you comfort her for being outed or did you berate her?
