It has to be Alison. Mum has a spare key to our house, as we do to hers, Alison must have taken it and sneaked in when I went to get the kids from school. She must have recognised me after all. She’s remembered that I was eating peanut butter sandwiches and realised that it was me that caused her mum to have that anaphylactic attack, so now she wants to remind me what I did.
Is it a threat too? Is she warning me that she knows I killed her mum and now my mum is at her mercy?
By the time Nick gets home I’m a wreck.
‘What’s up?’ he asks, his eyes growing concerned as they scan my face.
I glance at the kids who are watching the TV and beckon him into the kitchen. I point to the jar of peanut butter on the shelf. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to touch it. ‘I came home and found that in the cupboard.’
‘Peanut butter? I thought you hated it.’
‘I do. I didn’t buy it. I never buy peanut butter. You know that.’ I fix my eyes on his, imploring him to believe me. ‘Someone sneaked into the house and put it there.’
His eyes widen and for a moment he doesn’t say anything. I can see all the emotions crossing his face, surprise, disbelief and finally concern. He takes my hands in his. Then I see his eyes narrow as they rest on the band around my wrist and, looking down, I see that there’s already a red mark around it. I hadn’t even realised that I’d been flicking it so much. He moves his eyes back to my face. ‘Lizzie, darling, who would do that? And why?’
‘Alison,’ I whisper. ‘She must have borrowed Mum’s key and sneaked in and put it there while I was picking up Isaac and Grace from school.’
I can see that he doesn’t believe me. I can see something else too, panic in his eyes. Now he’s noticed I’m wearing my band he thinks my anxiety and paranoia have come back. Well maybe it has but it’s only because Alison is playing games with me. I look at the jar of peanut butter. It’s real, I’m not imagining it.
‘Lizzie, love, why on earth would Alison do that? It doesn’t make sense.’
This is my chance to tell him but I can’t. The words won’t come. I’ve never told Nick what I did and I can’t now, not after all these years. I know from my therapy sessions that it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t get away from the fact that someone died because of my actions. And I’m increasingly certain thatAlison does remember me and surely as a nurse she now knows that just being near peanut butter could cause a fatal allergic reaction. What if she blames me too?
And she wants to make me pay.
‘Daddy!’ Grace comes in for a drink, sees Nick and squeals in delight. She runs over and hugs his legs, she’s so small she can’t reach any higher. He bends down and swoops her up into the air and she squeals even louder. ‘How’s my little princess?’
He cuddles her then puts her back down again and she runs off to play. He looks over at me. ‘I’ve got to go to Leeds for a couple of days to sort out a major problem on the construction site there.’
‘You’ve got to work away?’ My breath catches in my throat. ‘Is anything wrong?’ I hope this isn’t bad news. I know there have been some redundancies at the company and I don’t want to be stressing about Nick’s job as well as my own.
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and hugs me. ‘Nothing to worry about. There’s a problem at a construction site up in Leeds and I’ve got to sort it out. I’ve got to drive up there now so I can be onsite first thing in the morning.’
This often happens, one of the drawbacks of being the Construction Manager is that Nick’s often called away to deal with a problem at one of the sites in another part of the country. It was the same for my dad, he often had to work away when I was younger. Dad worked hard to build up his company, and Nick works hard to keep it afloat. I’m proud of him. Dad would have been too.
I wish that I hadn’t mentioned the peanut butter to him now. He’s going to worry about me while he’s away.
‘Are you going to be all right? I can’t really refuse to go.’ He looks worried. ‘You’re not really worried about that peanut butter, are you? One of the kids must have put it in your basketwhen you were going around the supermarket. They’re always doing that.’
I guess he must be right. I want him to be right.
‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘But please, Nick, take it out of the cupboard and throw it away. I don’t want to risk the kids touching it.’
‘Okay, but you know that it’s only harmful if you’re allergic to peanuts. Otherwise it’s perfectly safe.’ He picks up the jar.
I back away as if the jar could bounce out of his hands and attack me. ‘I don’t want to risk it.’
Nick puts it in his bag. ‘All gone.’ Then he holds out his arms and I go into them, resting my head on his chest, and inhale the faint sandalwood smell of his aftershave. I wish he didn’t have to work away.
We hug, then he kisses me. ‘I’ll be back before you know it,’ he says.
He goes upstairs to say goodbye to the kids and pack his case. I follow him.
‘It’s probably a good job Alison is looking after Judith, you’d struggle to find time to look after your mum with me away, work and the kids,’ Nick is saying as he zips up his case. He stands up and looks at me. ‘Seriously, Liz, are you going to manage okay?’
I don’t want him to worry about me, he needs to concentrate on his work. ‘Of course. It will only be for a couple of days. I’ll have to take the kids with me when I visit Mum over the weekend but she won’t mind, she’d love to see them and surely she’ll be stronger by then. I can take something with me to occupy them.’
He pulls me into another embrace. ‘Look after yourself. I worry about you.’ He kisses me soundly on the lips, and I hug him tight. I love him so much, I think as I return his kiss. I wish he wasn’t going. I’m scared to be here alone, especially now that someone has sneaked into the house.
