I pretend to go along with Nick’s theory that one of the kids slipped the peanut butter into my shopping basket, but I know they didn’t. I would have seen it when I put the shopping away. I want to ask him not to go but I bite back the words. I have to be strong.
Nick has always been my safe space. Meeting him healed me. I love him and my little family, and I live in constant fear that I will lose them. I try so hard to keep my anxiety at bay, to focus and stay strong from them. Now I can feel it building again. That suffocating feeling that one day I will pay for my actions.
37
NICK
I wish I didn’t have to go away and leave Lizzie, I think as I drive up to Leeds. Alison’s right, she is taut with anxiety. I’ve seen it building ever since the wedding, actually before the wedding. Lizzie was concerned that her mum had rushed into marriage with George too quickly, that she didn’t know enough about him. But anyone can see that they’re happy together. And they’re both just a couple of years off retirement, it’s only natural that they would seize the chance of happiness while they could.
I agree with Alison, that Lizzie probably feels she’s pushed out by the marriage. She’s an only child and was adored by both her parents. When Arthur died, Lizzie and Judith became even closer, and they relied on each other for everything. I understand that Lizzie would want to hang on to that connection, but she has me and the children now, we’re her family. Surely she can let go of her mum a bit. And she should be grateful that Alison has stopped to look after her, I know I am. Lizzie would be run ragged if she had to do it all and that could cause her to have a breakdown again.
She’s already worked herself up into such a state that she’s taken to wearing that damn anxiety band around her wrist again. She hasn’t worn that for ages. At one time she was neverwithout it, her therapist encouraged her to get one. It’s basically a coloured elastic band that she snaps against her wrist every time she feels anxious. The ‘snap’ as the band springs back onto her wrist is supposed to get her ‘out of her head’ and back to reality. For Lizzie it signifies comfort, a coping mechanism. But for me it’s a cause for alarm.
Because when Lizzie is wound up things start to happen. Taps left on, doors left unlocked, things put in strange places, cookers and irons left on. I have to follow her around checking everything. Once she put Isaac in his pram in the garden then started working and forgot all about him. Luckily I came home for lunch and found him screaming, Lizzie came down at that moment, her face ashen, saying Isaac was missing from his cot. ‘Oh, you’ve got him, you could have told me!’ she said when she saw him in my arms. She wouldn’t believe it when I told her I’d found him in the garden. Absolutely denied it until I took her out and showed her the pram. Another time she left the iron plugged on and unattended when Isaac was a toddler, Judith popped in and found Lizzie hanging out washing in the garden and Isaac crawling around unsupervised. I was so worried that harm would come to the children.
Now that worry is resurfacing. I can’t believe that she’s got herself in such a state over a jar of peanut butter. Of course one of the kids must have picked it up and she didn’t notice. How else would it get there? She’s on edge all the time at the moment. And I can’t believe that she’s actually accused Alison of drugging Judith.
And now she’s on her own with the kids. Normally Judith would be there to keep an eye on things but there’s no one. And I’m worried what’s going to happen.
There’s only one thing I can think of, and that’s to phone Jodie. She’s got her hands full, I know, but she’s the only otherperson who knows how much Lizzie struggles, and she’s her oldest friend.
Luckily my car phone is hands free. I call Jodie.
‘I need your help,’ I say.
38
LIZZIE
That jar of peanut butter is on my mind all evening as I give the kids their tea and get them to bed, forcing a smile on my face, acting like nothing is wrong when my mind is whirling. And my thoughts are spinning out of control. Alison’s to blame, I know she is. Everything has gone wrong since she came into our lives. Mum’s fall, how weak Mum’s becoming, she’s always so exhausted. I’m suspect that Alison’s dosing Mum with something and is trying to make me think that I’m imagining things.
She wants to push me to a breakdown, I’m sure of it, and I’m scared how far she will go. And the way she’s sidling up to Nick, sending him messages, getting him to come over on his own on the pretext of helping to do things she should be able to do herself. Or could ask Kenny and Sheila to do. They’re always there. I’m sure she’s trying to cause trouble between us. Maybe even take Nick from me. Have my mum, my husband. My life. The ultimate revenge to take everything from me.
Now I do sound paranoid.
A text pings in. I glance at the screen and see it’s from Jodie.
Want a catch up when I’ve got Freddie down?
That’s exactly what I need. Jodie will understand. She knows what went on that day, she understands what I’ve gone through all these years.
Love one. The kids are in bed so call me when you’re free.
I text back.
I grab a glass of wine and curl up on the sofa in the lounge already feeling myself destressing. Jodie is the one person I can talk to freely about this and who will believe me. I take a sip of my wine and let the smooth liquid flow down my throat. Jodie will help me find a way to trap Alison and show everyone what she is doing.
I jump as the phone rings. Jodie is vid-calling me. She grins at me through the screen and raises her glass of wine. ‘Hiya. What’s up?’
‘Nick’s away and I’m on my own and I think Alison is trying to kill my mum and set me up for it.’ The words gush out like Prosecco from a bottle you’ve shaken then taken the cork out of.
Jodie’s eyes widen. ‘Crikey! I didn’t expect you to come out with that! What the hell has she been up to?’
I love how she listens to me and never makes me think that I’m crazy. How she instantly believes me and wants to know more. Jodie is the best friend anyone could have.
‘I don’t know where to start…’
‘Anywhere you want. I’m listening.’
