“I know what it’s like to be in love with someone and to feel invisible to them,” she continued, voice softer than before. Almost hesitant. “I know what it’s like for that invisibility to be a lie and to feel like we wastedyears.”
I tensed as that traitorous hope flared, drowning out every heartbreaking moment over the years as she continued.
“I know what it’s like to want to cling so tight to what you think you know of the situation because it’s safe—because it protects you. But it doesn’t. Not really.”
“You don’t know me, and you don’t know anything about this situation,” I shot back defensively.
But instead of looking shocked at the outburst, Emberly just studied me with a well of understanding. Probably because shedid,considering she’d just described me so perfectly in a few sentences.
And I hated that anyone could see me so clearly. Not just anyone, but a near-stranger who was pseudo-related to Gray.
I hated feeling so vulnerable. So exposed.
More importantly, I hated this feeling like I’d finally broken, because my eyes were burning all over again in front of that near-stranger, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I also didn’t knowwhyI was on the verge of crying.
“You’re right,” she said with a nonchalant shrug and a lift of a dark brow, even though she didn’t sound or look like she was admitting defeat. “I don’t know what’s currently going on between you and Hudson, but, like I said, I grew up with him. I know him. I’ve heard him talk about you for...oh man, so long. And I’ve also witnessed the two of you interact over the years.”
“We’re best friends,” I reminded her.
She made a face like I was missing something so incredibly obvious. “That isn’t all you are.”
The ring hanging around my neck seemed to burn against my chest, but I fought the urge to grab it as I stared at her.
“Have you ever considered that maybe,maybe, you don’t see him clearly? See your relationship clearly?” Her head slanted as her eyes narrowed in contemplation. “Or maybe that you don’tlet yourselfsee it clearly?”
My lips parted to remind her I sawour relationshipjust fine because I’d seen him all too clearly nearly every day, just as I was hit with memory after memory of Hudson Gray and me.
Endless smiles reserved solely for me, thrilling and confusing me, even though I refused to let myself linger on the former, because that wolfish, heart-stopping smirk he gaveeveryonewasn’t far behind. Appearing at my side exactly when I needed him, even though I couldn’t stand that he seemed to know that. Doing whatever it took to make sure we were paired up on details, even though it made me feel like he was babysitting me. Spending nearly every night doing everything and nothing with me, even though I’d been sure it was only due to my selfishness, because I’d been trying to keep him from other women. Showing up with matcha lattes, food, or justmysmile as peace offerings for whatever argument we’d gotten into that day, even though I always picked bigger fights when he did.
Not just over the past three months, but over all the years I’d known him.
And this weekend?
“You remind me of my sister,” she went on when I got lost in seeing all my encounters with Gray from a new light.
Blinking back over at Emberly, I asked, “What?” on a delay and noticed the twitch of her dark-stained lips, like she knew exactly where my thoughts had gone.
“The idea of love was—and might still be—truly terrifying for her. She avoided it for so long.” Her lips pursed. “I don’t thinkit’s terrifying for you, but it definitely seems like something you avoid.”
I no longer wanted to have this conversation. I wasn’t sure I’d wanted to have it to begin with.
Girl talkwith Lainey and Chloe hadn’t been this invasive, and even that had been torturous. Butthis? What was it about talking to other women that had me wanting to take thatflightoption for the first time?
“I see it only because I’ve come to understandher,” Emberly went on, slightly tipping her head in the direction of the house. “But even Rae knew that when you meet the person who is willing to battle for you because theyseeyou, it’s okay to stop running. It’s okay to stop blocking. It’s okay to let them love you and let yourself love them back.”
At some point, I was sure she’d switched from talking about her sister to me, but I didn’t try to correct her. I didn’t know how when her horrifyingly accurate and insightful words had my chest twisting and my lungs straining.
Instead, I just stared at her. That knot in my throat thicker and more jagged than before, because, even if Emberly was right—even if Gray truly loved me and if I’dblockedus this entire time—she didn’t understand. Shecouldn’t.
She couldn’t understand my family, or the insecurities formed by countless, mocking men throughout my life. She couldn’t understand the years of watching Gray repeatedly choose the opposite of me, or how I’d destroyed us these past months.
I fought the unfamiliar impulse to lay every one of my frustrations, devastations, and bewilderments at her feet. To confess truths about my life and my family while asking for insight on how to fix what I’d ruined.
Emberly nodded as if she thought my panic was a revelation instead, and proudly whispered, “I’ll leave you with that,” as she pushed to her feet and turned toward the door.
Andwhywas I panicking over this at all? I did not panic. I did not cry. I did not run.
Yet Hudson Gray had me doing all those things...latelyandliterally.
