My chest pitched in sharp, short huffs as I desperately tried to take in oxygen. More traitorous tears relentlessly, embarrassingly fell down my cheeks as I pushed off the porch and hurried down the steps. Then I was rushing down the long, gravel drive until I was off the property and headed down the stretch of road.
Running.
In the rain.
In flip flops.
I’d never wanted to talk to my mom as badly as I did then. Since her unexpected passing, I’d found myself wishing time and time again to be able to slip into her room and have justone morejudgement-free minute with her.
But that longing had never been as strong as it was then.
I needed the person who’d always let me bare my every emotion. I needed to tell her about my confusing and devastating predicament with the man I’d only ever gushed over with her. I needed her thoughts and her comfort, and even those ridiculous, cold words she always carelessly tossed out when she was done letting me have my minute.
“That’s enough. Force the rest back and be done with it.”
A soggy laugh ripped from my strained lungs as I staggered to a stop and dropped to a crouch, gripping my head in my hands as my chest heaved harder and the tears fell faster. As if there was no stopping the onslaught because I was well and truly breaking.
Funny...I would’ve thought I’d be more bothered by it. But maybe my heart had just been too ruined, and maybe I’d just destroyed too much.
Despite the roar of a racing engine and tell-tale signs of brakes on wet pavement, my movements were lethargic as I lifted my head and looked to the side to find a familiar truck idling beside me.
“What are you doing?” Gray yelled as he stalked around the truck. “You just—Mallory, what’s wrong?”
I stood just as slowly as my previous movement to face where Gray stood, rain darkening his hair and splattering his shirt. Hand halfway outstretched, as if he’d started reaching for me from where he was a few feet away. Stunned gaze quickly taking in the tears mixing with the rain racing down my cheeks.
And for a whole three seconds, I contemplated getting into his truck without a word before deciding I couldn’t do this anymore.
“Maybe we were wrong,” I admitted as my jaw trembled. “Maybe Wren lied about the two of you for whatever reason. But we all believed her becauseyouhave given us every reason to.” I pressed a hand firmly to my chest. “You’ve givenmeevery reason to.”
Frustration and regret stole across his face. “I told you, it’s been ye?—”
“No, I don’t care what you’ve said,” I cried out as the tears came faster than before. “For so many years, you’veshownme what I have and haven’t meant to you. The amount of times I’ve been at your side while you’ve hit on other women, gotten their numbers, andditched mefor them is absurdly high. Times I will never forget becauseevery oneof those women was my opposite in every way.Every oneof those encounters destroyed a part of me.”
The hand that had been outstretched twitched before he curled it into a fist and forced it back to his side. That regret burned deeper than before as he studied me, his head bobbing subtly before shaking. “You’re right,” he conceded before reminding me, “but you made it extremely obvious from the day we met that you couldn’t stand the thought of us together. And not just that once—you’ve done it nearly every day I’ve known you. So, I’ve forced myself to acknowledge and accept that.Respect that.”
A scoff rushed from my strained lungs. “Wow, that must have been such a hardship for you—respectingme by losing yourself in countless other women.” My chin lifted, but I wasn’t sure if it was in a feeble attempt at standing my ground or because he was slowly but confidently closing the distance between us as I continued. “But everything I said was because of the way you treated me and other women. Do you know—” A sound of desperation and frustration rose in my throat, choking the words as I adamantly shook my head and started for the truck. “Forget it.”
“No, we’re not doing that anymore,” he said firmly. “We’re gonna keep ending upright hereif we keep dancing around feelings and omitting thoughts.”
“If we dothat?” I shot back, whirling on him just before I reached the passenger door. “We’re going to keep ending up here because of what you’ve done!”
“Whatwe’vedone,” he corrected. “Yes, I did things I shouldn’t have. I did things I’m not proud of, and I’m sorry. Mallory, I’m so sorry for everything—for every hurt I caused. But you’ve pushed and pushed andpushedme away. For crying out loud, you compared me to your brothers, which would’ve been bad enough, even if I hadn’t known you hated them. And all the while, I had to pretend I wasn’t being destroyed by the girl I was so desperately in love with.”
Awe and longing swept through me, along with a desperation for those words to be true. But that complicated, fickle heart of mine refused to let me acknowledge them—believe them—when all I could see at that moment was Tessa in his arms. “Don’t?—”
“Mallory, I think I fell in love with you the first time you threatened me.”
My head moved in large shakes as I breathed, “You’re lying.”
“I—”
“You’re lying,” I repeated, my voice rising. “I’vewatchedyou.”
“And I’m sorry.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “I’m sorry there was ever one girl, let alone every other girl. I’m sorry that all those times have led you to think there were so many more. But, again, you made me think you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“Because you were just like the rest,” I snapped, my pain and longing and that clashing battle so evident in the twisting of my voice. “Do you know how many times I’d already been hit on the exact way you hit on me that first day—and nearly every other day, for that matter? Do you know how many of those same guys thought they were allowed to touch me because I was the only girl around?”
Gray’s head slanted as rage exploded from him, coating me thicker than the water on my skin. “What’d you say?”
