Technically, Phil had sex with Ben immediately following Tom coming out to him, but he hadn’t been thinking about Tom.He shook his head.“I…I’ve had some confusing stuff going on recently.With being injured, I’ve had a lot of time to think and to reprioritize things, I guess.And…” He couldn’t tell them about Ben because they thought Ben was Coach Morris.They didn’t know about Charlie, or the betting, or even about Ben being gay.And Phil couldn’t tell them any part of it without telling them all of it or making Ben look really bad.
So much for asking for advice.
“I guess I’ve been thinking about what I want,” he said lamely.“And how different it is from what I had with Camille.”
“How so?”
Phil shrugged uncomfortably.“With her, things were always… I don’t know… Everything looked picture-perfect.The house, the outfits, the sex.She’s a visual person.I guess I always thought my role was to give her the right look, you know?Give her the image and appreciate what she gave me in return.”
“You sound…not upset about that?”Jax ventured.
“I’m not,” Phil said.“It was what I wanted then.”
“And now?”
Phil stared down into his tea.“I didn’t know how many ways I could want things, I guess.”Words couldn’t express how he’d felt with the weight of Ben’s body pressing him into the tub, so he gave up on trying.He needed more.If he got more of Ben’s solid body and warm hands and wry smile, he could figure out what he wanted.He could find the words to explain what he was feeling.He could figure out the magic formula to make Ben stay.
Maybe Ben had a point, and he ought to stop and think this through, consider the consequences before he got them both caught up with more than they could handle.
But the thought of Ben leaving only made Phil more desperate to race ahead to the courthouse and get the whole deal signed and sealed before Ben could cut and run.
“When I still lived at home, I had this teammate,” he found himself saying.Eric, Phil remembered now.Ever since the name had come to him some three hours after Ben left him standing in the steamed-up, humid bathroom, he hadn’t been able to forget again.“He was on my U15 team, and he never showered with the rest of us.One day, someone joked he must be gay and afraid of getting a stiffy, and it stuck.”
Jax snorted.“Ah, yes, what every gay teen wants.Pubescent assholes who smell like wet hockey pads and Axe body spray.”
Phil looked pointedly between him and Tom.“Something about that must work for you.”
“Tom’s an outlier.”
Tom flushed a little, possibly with pride.
“I never said anything, back then.Not to help him, and not to him.I was so…” Phil sighed and sipped at his tea.It burned his tongue.He took another sip anyway.“I was so relieved when everyone looked at him and not at me.”
“Phil…” Tom set a hand on his shoulder.
“Not because…I mean, I didn’t know this about myself then.I was just sick of being the Black guy on the team and always being a good sport about it.With him there, they had someone else to talk about.”Phil took another sip and let the tea burn his tongue.“I think maybe I didn’t want to be even more different.So I never…”
“Never?”
“Never looked too closely or thought too much.I thought, so what if I wanted to fuck guys sometimes?I stopped acting on it when I got drafted, and I liked dating women, so I figured it was just a phase.I thought I’d be fine if I could ignore it.”
“Seems like you’re not so fine about it now, bud.”
“Yeah, thanks, Jax, I noticed.”
“I think what he means is, what brought this on now?Is there…someone?”Tom asked.
Caught out, Phil stayed silent.
“Because if there were, it would be cool,” Jax added hurriedly.
“I don’t think I can talk about it yet?”Phil didn’t mean for it to be a question, but he didn’t know the etiquette in this situation.He knew outing other people was bad.Some dumb kid on the Arizona Prairie Dogs had done it on Twitter a few years ago and gotten major backlash.Phil also literally couldn’t tell Tom and Jax any of the specifics about his situation with Ben.Unless they got married, in which case he might have to.
He contemplated asking if really, really wanting to marry another man made him count as bisexual.
Then he realized it would be the stupidest thing he’d said all day, and he had already said a lot of very stupid things.
“I thought I was way more chill than this,” Phil admitted.
