In the kitchen, the kettle boiled, and Phil heard the clink of mugs as Tom made tea.He came out holding two by the handles in one hand and set them down very carefully on the coffee table before crawling onto the couch to sit beside Jax.They smiled at each other, warm and intimate, for just a moment before their attention reverted to Phil.Happiness at seeing his friend like this warred with a deep, dark envy in the pit of Phil’s stomach.
“I could make it a few more years,” Phil admitted.He tracked the progress of the raindrops flowing down the windows, searching for words.“But I would probably get hurt again, and the Sea Lions would definitely trade me or shortchange me on the contract.And even if I come back as strong as before, I’d probably fuck up the other knee.”He’d already noticed before he’d gotten reinjured how he babied the bad knee and overtaxed the good one.His body was a long-term investment, and he didn’t want to wear himself out before he hit forty in a fruitless search for a trophy.“Or worse, get hooked on pain meds to manage it.Either way, in the long run, I think it’s a good time.Quit while you’re ahead, right?”
Or quit in disgust when you found out your coach had conspired to get you injured.Either worked.
“Are we ahead?”
Phil’s gaze snapped to Tom.“We’re not on the guilt train about how you personally sabotaged our Stanley Cup chances by being gay again, right?”
“No,” Tom said.“But I always wanted us to win together.”
“Well, you better keep winning then.If I can swing it, I’ll be in these playoffs.”
“Noted.”
Phil picked up his tea.It was too hot to drink and probably not done steeping, but he enjoyed the warmth between his palms.
“So what are you actually here about?”Tom asked.
“Tom,” Jax said in an undertone.
“What?He told me he was probably retiring a few days ago.Must be something else.”
“You can’t just—”
“No, he can,” Phil said.“I’m gonna ask something really stupid, okay?”
“Okay.”Tom smiled encouragingly.
Phil couldn’t look him in the eye when he asked this.“You know how in Juniors, sometimes you would give other guys a hand on the road?”
“No,” Tom said.
“Yes,” Jax said.
Phil looked between them.“Okay, does that count?Does that make you…not-straight, or did everyone do it?”
Tom pursed his lips.“Well, I didn’t, and I’m still gay.”
“I did and same,” Jax said.
This was not helping Phil at all.
“Okay,” Jax said.“So you’re questioning some of your past experiences.Is this about Tom coming out to you?Are you worried he had feelings—”
“No, what the fuck?I’m not a dick.”
“Just checking.”Jax held his hands up placatingly.“You never know what goes on in straight people’s heads.One day, you think everything is normal, the next they’re like, oh, you know what would be a fun time?Fishing in December.”
“This would be so much easier if we were fishing,” Phil muttered.Then his hands would be busy, and he wouldn’t have to look at either of them.Also, Jax wouldn’t be there, which meant he would be left with Tom, whose conversational abilities when it came to tough topics ran more along the “I’m sorry to hear that” vein.
“If it helps, the only person I gave handies to in Juniors was my ex,” Jax said.“Or, well, we weren’t officially dating, I guess.But we definitely both ended up being queer.”
It did not help.
It left Phil with a second, bigger question.“Is thirty-four too old for a sexuality crisis?”
Tom squinted at him.“You’resurethis isn’t about me coming out to you?”
