“Oui-oui. I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t know you went over there to get some. Just didn’t expect to find a front row seat on the landing.”
“I didn’t go over there toget some.” I ignore the rest of it. I have to, or I really will throw something at him. “It’s not about that.”
“What is it about then? And don’t tell me you’re just friends. You could power every Christmas light in the world from the chemistry between you.”
Sab’s question throws me. I have no answer for him and it spins my head that I can’t figure it out. That the roadblock in my brain is still standing, even after the nights I’ve spent with the nicest bloke I’ve ever met. “Leave me alone.”
“All right.”
Sab steps away and starts gathering his things. Esme plays on the rug in front of the guarded log-burner Sab’s already lit, and away from his inquisition, I smell the breakfast I know he’s cooked and left in the oven for me.
I ditch my toothbrush and scoop Esme from the rug, straightening the hat on her tiny head. She regards me with a deep Dubois gaze just like her dad’s, but she has no answers for me either, and it dawns on me that I have to let them both go.
“What are you going to do when you get home?” I trail Sab outside with Esme in my arms. “Where are you going to sleep?”
“On the fucking driveway if I have to.”
“Sab.”
“What?” He takes Esme from me and straps her into her seat. “What do you want me to do? Live with Charmaine and her fuckboy? Or leave my baby there and piss off to a hotel?”
“I want you to be safe. Both of you.”
“We will be.”
I’m unconvinced enough that I feel like following him home to Manchester, but I know I can’t. Charmaine dislikes me at the best of times, and this is the worst. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Like what?”
“Like letting her goad you into fucking shit up.”
Sab shuts Esme in the van and straightens to face me. “I’m not going to do that, I promise.”
“I love you.”
“I know.” We hug. “I love you too. That’s why I need you to take that breakfast I made you down the garden and let yourself have something nice for once. Give me one less thing to worry about, eh?”
He leaves on that note. I watch him drive away with a lump in my throat, but it’s an affliction I’ll have to live with until I see him again.
The van disappears. I wait until I can’t hear the engine anymore, then I slowly spin round and find myself face-to-face with the one soul on this earth who can soothe the worry building in my heart for my brother.
Bhodi stands behind me, dressed in the gym clothes he wears for running, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Hey.”
I don’t hesitate. I step to him and rescue that lip, claiming it for myself. I kiss him as if we haven’t already parted ways thismorning. As if we’re still rolling around on his bed like we did last night. “Are you heading out to get all sweaty without me?”
Bhodi hums against my mouth. “It’s good for me—to run off some steam. I get in my head if I don’t do it often enough.”
“I used to burn around on my hog for the same reason.”
“Your what?”
“My bike. I liked to ride fast, but it got me in the end.”
“Don’t talk about that like it was your fault.” Bhodi rubs his warm nose against mine before he pulls away. “It wasn’t.”
I know that. And I’ve known it for a long time, but watching Bhodi back up scrambles my brain. Wherever he’s headed, and for whatever reason, I don’t want him to go. I want him back in my arms, even more than I want him in bed, and it’s a physical pain to stand here, still and silent, as he spins around and jogs away.
It’s different to watching Sab and Esme leave.
