“Don’t be,” he said. “It doesn’t matter now. I don’t want to push you, but I feel like I need to know what happened before we can move on. Will you tell me,please?”
The will to refuse him ran dry. I searched for his hands and claimed them, clutching them like they were the lifeline they’d always been. “I didn’t smother her with a pillow, if that’s what you’ve beenimagining.”
Ash didn’t flinch. “It hasn’t crossedmymind.”
“Good. Because I never would’ve done something like that. This was Maggie’s choice. I justfacilitatedit.”
“You gave her somedrugs?”
“Yeah. Don’t ask me how because I can’t tellyouthat.”
“Because ofGlenn?”
“Ash,please.”
“Why did hehelpyou?”
I shrugged. “I never asked him that. I never even directly asked him to help me. He just gave me an option and helped me figure shit out after. Please don’t be mad at him. He’s a goodfriend.”
“I’m not mad at him. Besides, if not him, I’m sure you could’ve found a way onyourown.”
He wasn’t wrong. “How much do you wanttoknow?”
“Only what I need tounderstand.”
I took a shaky breath. The last few months of Maggie’s life were a blur, but her last minutes would stay with me forever. “I put what she needed in a glass of that horrible lemon water she liked. She understood what she was doing, and she asked me to hold it to her lips so she could drink through the straw. So I did. She drank it, and then I lay on the bed with her until she died. I never lied to youaboutthat.”
“How long didittake?”
“Not long. She was so weak anyway. It felt like days, but I think it was an hour or so. It was peaceful, Ash. She didn’t suffer, Ipromise.”
Ash laid his head on my chest. I felt his tears soak through my T-shirt. “She did, though, didn’t she?Beforethat?”
I couldn’t deny it. The worst thing about Maggie’s Alzheimer’s had been her fleeting moments of lucidity. She’d known what was happening to her, and her fear had broken me.“Don’t let me become a shadow, Pietro. I couldn’tbearit.”
And so I hadn’t, and she’d become a ghostinstead.
“I’m sorry this has hurt you so much.” Ash traced abstract patterns on my stomach. “I feel like I should’ve figured it out for myself, but I never suspected a thing. I just wanted so badly for you to behappy.”
“I was, before she got sick. We had it all when Cosmo was born. I was happy then, and Maggie was too. She told me she had everything she’d ever wanted, and I felt the same. I don’t know how I got here, Ash. I’m so fuckingsorry.”
“Don’t.”
“Do youhateme?”
“As if I evercould.”
“I hate myself. Taking a life, even one she didn’t want… it went against everything I thought I was. So many years trying to keep people alive, andforwhat?”
“This doesn’t change whoyouare.”
“Doesn’tit?”
“No.” Ash sat up. “You’ve saved thousands of lives—you savedmine. Giving Maggie a chance to choose doesn’tchangethat.”
“But—”
“No, Pete. Iloveyou. Don’t say anything elsetonight.”
