Did it? Or was I asking the wrong questions? I searched my soul for the shock and revulsion Pete had clearly expected from me, but it wasn’t there. Maggie had been days away from losing the ability to eat solid food. She’d already relied on Pete to dress and bathe her, and she’d long forgotten I even existed. On the rare occasions Pete had let me see her, the distress in her eyes had killed me. “Did she ask you todoit?”
“Yes. Many times. I was scared that she’d ask you too. That’s why I keptyouaway.”
“Did you think I woulddoit?”
“No. I knew you wouldn’t, but I thought you might stop me when the time came, and I knew I’dletyou.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why would you have let me stop you if it was what shewanted?”
“Because I didn’t want todoit.”
I glanced at him, and though the steep trail kept me from meeting his gaze for long, in that split second his pain hit me like a truck. I was hurt that he’d kept this from me—and distraught he and Maggie had gone through it at all—but the devastation threatening to break the eerie calm in my veins was nothing compared to the agony in Pete’s eyes. “How did youdoit?”
“Ash,please—”
“No, Pete. I don’t want you to protect me from it—youcan’tprotect me from it anymore. Just tell me what happened… It’s okay, Ipromise.”
“Isit?”
“What?”
“Is it okay? Because I’ve lived with it for months, and I can’t see how it’s ever going to befuckingokay.”
I had nothing. Pete’s bombshell had turned my world on its axis, and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I couldn’t lie to him. He’d helped his terminally ill mother die. And he’d done it behind my back. Was I angry? No—that wasn’t the name of the emotion shredding my soul—but his betrayal, whatever his reasons, cut deep. How could we carry on when he’d kept something so hugefromme?
We drove on in silence. Pete was a better driver than me, and the part of my brain that was oblivious to the chaos around me half expected him to guide me up the rocky trail. But he remained silent, and so did I. And when the campsite appeared in the distance, it felt like we’d arrived at the end of theworld.
* * *
Pete
Ash walked into the tiny, wooden cabin like he’d been here a thousand times. He dumped a bag on the bed and then kneeled in front of the fireplace. He built a fire in a blur of his beautiful ink-stained hands and lit it with amatch.
Then he turned on his heel andwalkedout.
I sat on the edge of the bed and stared out of the cabin’s large window. It had gotten dark as we’d followed the trail to the campsite, and I could see nothing but a blackness that matched my soul. Any relief I’d felt at finally telling Ash what I’d done was eclipsed by the fear I’d carried with me all along. He didn’t think me a monster, but he hated me all the same… because I’d lied to him, by omission, ifnothingelse.
Did I blame him? Fuck, no. But it still hurt. Ash was my whole fucking life. Without him, there wasn’t much point to myexistence.
I quit the window and dropped my head in my hands. In another world, I might’ve cried. But I didn’t. I just sat there until Ash finally came back sometime later, and even then I didn’t move. Ash fiddled with the fire, and then the bed dipped behind me. His arms snaking around me made me jump, but he quieted me by tightening hisembrace.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know you loved her. You don’t have to tell me anything. Just know that youcan,okay?”
I closed my eyes and leaned into him, absorbing his warmth, and didn’t resist when he eased me down onto my back. He cupped the nape of my neck and ghosted his fingers over my face. I sensed his gaze piercing my soul, and I opened my eyes to see his soft smile, his eyes glittering in the glow ofthefire.
His acceptance was the last thing I expected. I blinked, sure he was an apparition, and then I reached out and touched his face. Two days on the road had left him with a buzz of golden scruff that had nothing on the dark beard I had on my own face, but Ilovedit, and if our relationship hadn’t been imploding around us, I’d have jumped himforsure.
Maybe I’d have fucked him. Pulling away from him like that seemed so damn ridiculous now. I didn’t know how I’d explain it if he asked me again.I never meant tohurtyou.
Ash kissed the tips of my fingers.Iknow.
The heat from the fire blazed through the tiny cabin. I wriggled out of my winter coat and shoved it unceremoniously off the edge of the bed. Ash did the same, then he lay down beside me, and his hands returned tomyface.
My eyes burned. There’d been such distance between us for so long, but in this moment, I’d never felt closer to him, even if there was still so much for us to talk about. I’d kept this from him to protect him, but also to protect myself. Why had I ever doubted him? “I’msorrytoo.”
