“Of course,” she answered instead.
He stared at her as if he were trying to figure something out about her. “Am I to believe that now that I am an earl, you are here for my son alone?”
She felt as if he’d slapped her. She slipped her watery gaze to Elias playing in the snow. If not for him, she would walk away from William, from her past with him and her desire for a future, and leave Lismoor right this moment.
“That is quite selfish and hateful of you, William,” she accused.
“Nicholas,” he corrected on a low growl. “And how is that selfish and hateful of me?”
“You think only of your own pain.” The wind picked up and tore tendrils of her hair from beneath her hood and across her face. “You speak as if you are the only one who has lost anyone, who has lost yourself. You are not the only one. But in the future, I will be sure to remember my place.” She left him and went to gather Elias to take him inside.
The earl followed her. That’s what he was to her now. The earl, and nothing more. She was good and tired of being made to feel like she was only here because of his status. Like some harlot who would sell her soul for anything. She hadn’t and she wouldn’t.
“If anyone here has made you feel like a servant, tell me his name and I will deal with him,” he insisted, keeping pace with her on the way to the keep.
“Not a servant,Nicholas, I should have been more clear.Youhave made it known more than once that I am not important to you anymore.”
Aha! He said nothing to that! It pricked her in the guts. She picked up Elias and started up the outside stairs. Nicholas reached the top just before her and pushed opened the doors. The great hall was almost empty with a few Highlanders loitering around after the morning meal. When they saw their lord, they straightened their shoulders and hurried out to attend to their duties.
The earl said nothing but followed her out and down the corridor to Elias’ chamber.
“Are they afraid of you?” she asked him.
“Some do not know me.”
And those who did? She wanted to ask him.
He still hadn’t corrected her about not being important. It stung deep.
“Elias needs to sleep,” she said, opening the door and stepping inside the babe’s chamber. She turned to him, meaning to stop him from following her now. It was too late. He was already in, shutting the door behind him, removing his furs.
They were alone. She could hear the three of them breathing. Hers came the fastest.
“’Tis dreary in here,” the earl remarked, looking around.
It was, she agreed silently, while she unwrapped Elias in front of the hearth. “I will try to make it more suitable…more colorful for him,” she pledged, warming him up. She could spread some cheerful fabrics around and hang colorful curtains on the two windows. Elias needed—
“He needs a toy or two,” his father said, coming toward them. “Something that is soft and made of wool that he can take with him to his bed at night.”
Julianna nodded. She remembered a stuffed, woolen horse that Berengaria had purchased for him. A horse he gave to Julianna when she was six.
“I will see to a seamstress who can fashion him something special. Perhaps a horse.” She glanced at him and then continued dressing Elias in fresh clothes. She thought a smile might have shone like starlight in the earl’s eyes just before he tethered the light back in and subdued it.
Or, his expression hadn’t changed at all. Perhaps she was just recalling how heusedto look at her, laugh with her. She wanted that back, she thought as she carried the babe to his bed. She set him down and then she sat at the edge. It was what she’d dreamed of for two years. He had kept her sane in her marriage to Phillip. But Nicholas MacPherson was not William Stone. Not the William she remembered, dreamed of. Nicholas was unyielding and cold. She wasn’t sure if she liked Nicholas with his hooded gaze and the rigid set of his chin.
“Time for a nap, Elias,” she said softly, laying him down. She smiled, looking into a face of purity. She prayed, as the abbess had taught all the girls, that Elias had a good, long life.
Nicholas was still standing where she’d left him. It wasn’t right that he stood off, not participating in his son’s naptime. She rose off the bed and leaned down to kiss Elias’ head and tuck him in. When she was done, she turned to his father.
“Elias would like you to come kiss him goodnight.”
Nicholas took a step forward, his eyes on the little boy watching him from the bed. He moved with uncertainty. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to comfort another soul. He did. He’d comforted her many times.
“Did he truly tell you that?” he asked her as he reached the bed. “I do not want to frighten him.”
“I do not think you will. He remains quiet.”
He moved over the bed and pressed his lips to Elias’ curls. He spoke into them with closed eyes and lingered for another moment that proved to be the one to conquer Julianna.
