She wiped her eyes and kept her face turned from him as he moved back toward the door.
She had wanted to find William and see him one more time. Now that she had, she wanted to stay. She wanted to watch these two grow older together. But how would it be possible when Nicholas hated her? She didn’t want to believe that he did, but his eyes spoke the truth.
He’d told her he had lost everyone he had ever loved. She knew that included her. He had loved her. She’d always known, though he had never told her. There had been too much at stake for that. If her father had known their true hearts, he would have had him beaten and thrown out of Berwick years earlier. She didn’t think she could win Nicholas back. She wasn’t certain he even had a heart to love his son. Was Nicholas afraid to love Elias?
He might have been, but he had returned to Lismoor, so perhaps he was ready to give his heart to his son. He was here. He’d stayed by Elias’ bed almost as much as she had.
It was a good beginning. It was what she wanted now—to help them get to know and trust each other. To help Nicholas be a father.
But…he hadn’t chosen to be near her. She’d come to him and she’d refused to leave. What if he would never care for her? What if his heart had hardened too much to ever get through to him, to be with him?
If that happened, she would live out her life at the abbey and die there with God.
Chapter Eight
She wasn’t importantto him anymore. Julianna straightened her spine as she walked down the corridor to her room, alone. Elias was asleep and Nicholas had left to see to some things. He’d gone without correcting her.
She certainly did not feel important to him. He’d wanted her out since the instant he saw her. If it had not been for Elias’ screaming from under his bed, she would have been asked to leave Lismoor and not to come back. He would have forgotten her.
So what if she’d refused to go with him four years ago? How could he hate her for it still? She’d been a child. A pampered child. Didn’t he understand how frightened she had been?
She reached her door and stepped inside her room. She had time to freshen up and change. She pulled off her layers then kicked off her boots and loosened her hair from its braid. She felt too exposed with it tied back. The scents of honeysuckle and jasmine lingered around her like a cloud.
Someone knocked at the door and she went to it, running her fingers through her hair. She pulled open the door, hoping to see Nicholas on the other side.
She saw Captain Wallace instead. He was one of Nicholas’ newest soldiers. She’d met him briefly and aside from a lingering smile this morning in front of Nicholas, she hadn’t given him any thought.
“Miss Feathers,” he greeted with a streak of trouble in his summer green eyes. His gaze traversed the cascading locks falling around her shoulders. “I was wonderin’ if ye would step oot so that I dinna have to stand at yer door. ’Tis unseemly.”
Julianna wondered what else this obvious Highlander would find unseemly. Her bare feet and scandalous ankles perhaps? “Of course,” she said. “Just allow me a moment to make myself presentable.”
She had nothing but the chemise on her back, two pairs of hose and two léines, a doublet, and her under garments. She hadn’t brought any gowns with her. There was no room in her bag. Besides, she couldn’t wear a gown on her horse and pretend to be a man. She smiled at herself and opened the door.
Captain Wallace was waiting. She wondered what he wanted. He was quite handsome and charming, just like so many others. He kept his spine quite straight and his smile perfected as he bowed to her.
“What can I do for you, Captain,” she asked the top of his raven head before he straightened.
“Fergive me fer disturbin’ ye, dear lady. I happened to see ye returnin’ from the lad’s chamber and I had hoped to have a word with ye.”
She gave him a curious look. “About what?”
“Aboot havin’ a walk with ye—through the keep or the tower. I dinna care. The longer the time we have together, the better.”
Julianna wanted to sigh. How did he know he’d enjoy all this time with her? She could be a shrew, or have a terrible laugh. He didn’t know her or anything about her. He was like a child boasting of things he likely had no notion about.
Captain Wallace was transparent, like a thin sheet of parchment. There was no depth to his gaze, only self-interest, no true commitment to anyone other than himself. He may be right for some, but he wasn’t right for her. She didn’t want to take walks with him. The sooner she was away from him, the better.
“Captain, I’m flattered by your praise. But my heart belongs to another and I cannot leave him.”
“Lord Rothbury,” he snarled and ripped off one glove.
She wanted to go back into her room and arm herself with a piece of deadly jewelry. Why had she allowed herself to become so comfortable in a castle filled with Scots?
“What are you going to do with that glove, Captain?”
“I will fight Rothbury!”
“You do not even know me!” she chided. “Put your glove back on. You look ridiculous.” When he did as she ordered, she continued. “I speak of Elias MacPherson, not his father. I am his new governess. I cannot go far from his room.”
