“Nae, lass,” he told her. Then, perhaps reading something in her face, he suddenly appeared regretful.
“Thank you, Rauf,” she said before he offered her any pity and brought her closer to tears. “I shall remain in my room until I am needed.”
“Are ye not goin’ to visit Elias?” he asked worriedly.
“Not unless I am needed. His father should try attending to him first, since I am to be leaving.”
“Aye,” he agreed. “Ye are correct, lass. ’Tis best.”
“Aye,” she agreed and held her sleeve to her nose while she sniffled. “Goodnight.”
She turned and hurried into her room before she burst into tears right there in the hall. God help her not to. Inside, she shut the door and leaned her back against it and closed her eyes. William had never spoken of her. How? How could he just put her out of his thoughts like that? She knew how because she knew him. He’d forgotten her the same way he had pushed Berengaria out of his memory after she had left them.
He’d accused her of returning because he was an earl, and he had accused her more than once—and rightly so—of rejecting him when he was a servant. Now that he had power, would he begrudge her his love? Did he think she was no longer worth his time because she was poor?
She looked over her room. It was spacious enough, with a large, lovely bed, two tables, one by her bed for her candles and whatever else she had, which was very little. She traveled most of the time so she had to pack light and sell most of her things. And another table was set just under the window. There were chests scattered about and there was a pillowed chair before the fiery hearth.
She almost wished she could go get Elias and bring him here to sit with her before the fire.
She sat in the chair alone and finally let herself weep for the girl and the boy she had lost. She wept for freedom in the innocence of just not knowing any better, and for the love of her youth.
What was she doing here? She didn’t want another husband, but she wasn’t just here for Elias either. Only a fool would have believed her. And William was no fool. She shook her head at herself. Nicholas, not William. Would she ever get it right?
Her crying seemed to go on forever, interrupted at some point by Elias waking up crying. Julianna’s instincts were going mad! She ached to leap from her chair and go to him. Every moment that she wasn’t at his bedside while he cried tore at her heart. She remembered Berengaria telling her how William had cried so pitifully the night she’d gone to him when he was but three—
She tapped her boot on the wooden floor and tried to control her breath. Where in the blazes was Rauf? No. His absence was a good thing. It meant Nicholas was trying.
The crying grew louder, the screaming higher. She buried her head in her hands and said a prayer for Nicholas.
Someone rapped on the door.
She sprang up. “Aye? Come.”
The door opened and Rauf came in holding his head. “Ye are needed.”
She smiled ever so slightly and hurried out of the chamber and to Elias’ room just down the hall. She went inside, prepared, but the earl was not there. Elias had crawled under the bed. “Elias, ’tis Julianna. I am here, sweeting, but I cannot stay if you keep crying.”
“Lyahs want Avice!” he cried out.
She shook her head. “Avice had to go away to her home, Elias.”
“She coming back?”
“We shall hope so, aye?” She offered him a bright smile.
He nodded and slid out to her. She caught him up in her hands and brought him in close to kiss his cheeks. He laughed, so she did it again.
“Come now, dear heart,” she whispered, picking him up and carrying him back to bed. “Sleep awaits.”
She didn’t want to sleep. If she slept, the morning would come sooner and she would have to leave Lismoor. She didn’t want to go she thought while she wiped Elias’ tears from his eyes and kissed the top of his head. How could she care for a child so quickly? Because he was William’s child and she couldn’t pour her love out on his father. Whether she wanted to sleep or not, the babe needed his. She put him down and sat in the bed next to him. She didn’t remember lying down or falling asleep, or even taking off her boots when she opened her eyes the next morning.
Chapter Six
Nicholas stood infront of her door, cursing himself and his weak resolve. It was his fault for listening while she wept. Oh, how she wept. He wanted to go to her. He wanted to kick the door in and rush to her.
Always her. Only her. Julianna.
Here she was in his keep! Crying her heart out over something. It didn’t matter what it was. Whether it was over him, or Elias, or status and title. She was crying and he wanted to comfort her. Growing up together, it had been his responsibility to be there for her when or if she needed him. It was the same for Julianna when it came to him. It was Berengaria’s rule.
